I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

@Waffletots

I'm reiterating what others have said; you really need to speak to a solicitor, sooner rather than later. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything', it just means you're educating yourself on what divorce may mean to you if it comes to that.

Get together a 'snapshot' of family finances; income & assets for both of you, including pensions, monthly expenses and debts. Just a rough idea will do for now. Tell the solicitor that you need to know what to expect as far as settlement, maintenance, and what child arrangements are 'usual' based on your children's ages. And take your dad with you. Since he's the 'money man' in the family his input and memory of what's said will be invaluable. Take the information you're given, write it all down, put it all in a folder and put it in a drawer at your folks' house for safekeeping. Again, this doesn't mean you're taking any actions now, or even any time soon. But you are in uncharted territory. You never imagined your H would cheat so you can't just tell yourself 'Oh he wouldn't ever play dirty'. Forewarned is forearmed. Knowledge is power.

Sorry if this has been mentioned before, have you informed his family of what's happened? Just a simple "I have asked 'Bob' to leave the house. He can explain why". Obvs doing this will depend entirely on what reaction you think they'd give. Don't do it if you'll get a ration of shit or if they're the type to tell him "It's your house too, go home".

You are doing so well. I know you're feeling things you never thought you'd feel. But despite that, you are holding your own. You can do this.

@NZDreaming The OW can do that can't she? She's split up a family, she's got the 'man of her dreams' away from his wife and so now, she can ensure that he is looked after.

OP, a woman looking after a 3 year old child, due to give birth any time is the one that is deserving of her husbands concern and yet she's had none. Her brother is making sure she is looked after, he doesn't need the added responsibility of making sure this bellend is okay.

The only person who has any 'humane' responsibility towards him is the OW.

OPs husband made the grenade, the OW pulled out the pin and threw it. Let them deal with with consequences.

Has he actually gone back to her though? Or is he pissed off that she's revealed the secret, complete with photos, that's he's put proper effort into concealing for a long time?

Really?! Laughable virtue signalling. Who cares if he has “mental health concerns”. Who fucking cares!!! He forfeited his right to be cared for by poor op and her family with his own behaviour. He’s on his own now or can revert back to his own family of origin or perhaps his new girlfriend if he wants his hand held.

OP you are an amazing inspirational woman. I am in awe.

The only financial possible advice I could give is set up an account. Withdraw in CASH surplus from the joint account - ensuring that enough is left in to pay the bills. Deposit this cash into your new account. When he asks - which he will - you used the cash to buy stuff for the baby, for your pregnancy, because you were stressed out and needed a massage, petrol for appointments etc whatever. do it in cash because then he doesnt know what the money is exactly used for and save this money to help you. The divorce can take a while - he will need to continue to contribute towards bills/mortgage etc so keep skimming off the top.

Good luck to you op. It might not seem like it now, but you've done the right thing and will manage just fine.
You deserve better than that lowlife.

Has he actually gone back to her though? Or is he pissed off that she's revealed the secret, complete with photos, that's he's put proper effort into concealing for a long time?

@allthatfalafel

What difference does it make?!

I've been thinking of you OP. I am glad you think enough of yourself, and to know you deserve better. You have an amazing support network around you, and that's exactly what you need right now. With the evidence you sent to your husband, he knows there's no way of talking his way out of this situation. He's guilty, and he knows it. He's destroyed his marriage and family life, for a cheap thrill. The silence may be because he thinks, if he gives you a little time, you'll 'calm down' and you may then be easier to speak too!! At some point he will need to engage, but I'd let him contact you. Your brother handled the situation well, kept calm and civil. I'm sure he felt like getting your husband by the throat and giving him a pasting!!! Sending hugs to you ❤️

My heart goes out to you, @Waffletots , this must have been an awful shock. You've handled it so well, and your DB is awesome.

I can't decide who's the most despicable: your (not D)H for shagging around, especially while you were ttc, or the OW for blowing your life up with her messages.

Your family sound wonderful, and I'm sure they will give you all the support in the world over the next weeks and months. I wish you all the strength you could possibly need and an easy time with the new Waffle when they arrive.

You’re amazing OP, I can’t imagine how hard this is but you’re going to be just fine x

This is scaremongering that OP doesn't need to be giving valuable headspace to at this time.

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this 💐 I really don't understand how anyone can do what he's done, what an absolute bastard!

It's lovely that your family are so supportive. Wishing you all the best with your baby💗

@allthatfalafel I'd imagine you'd need nerves of steel to carry out a year long affair. So it's unlikely he'd be suicidal.

Hi op, I just finished work and you are the first thing on my mind.
I want to echo everyone here and tell you how fantastically you are handling this.

I wish I had your strength in my past.

Carry on doing what you are doing and looking to your family for support.

Know that you are handling this with so much grace, your children are so lucky to have you as their mother. Well done op.

Interesting. It's very often abusers who indulge in this particularly loathesome form of emotional blackmail. At best it takes a special degree of obtuseness to try this number on a devastated, 38-weeks pregnant woman.

This seems about the last thread on which the 'what about the men' variety of poster would inevitably pipe up. But they never fail, on each and every thread where a woman has been treated abominably by a man.

Your concern is woefully misplaced.

I expect he acted happy because he was, OP. Plenty of men who cheat are very happy with their families and have no intention of leaving, which makes it all the crazier that they'll risk it all for a woman they probably don't even care much about, if at all. It's quite possible that she did this to try to force him to leave you, but in my experience when OW upset the man's ideal apple cart like this, he leaves them instead...and very often the wife doesn't want him back because, well, he's shat all over her and their family. So there he is, and nobody to blame but himself.

Stupid, stupid, stupid men.

How much is in the joint account?

If it is thousands then I would definitely clear it out, but perhaps ask your bank to set up a new savings account linked to your current account that you can put it in (my bank can do that in seconds over the phone), so if things get legal later you can show where the money is. You're just protecting you and your children's position.

If it's a couple of hundred and you know there are bills to pay coming up then it is probably more hassle than its worth.

How deeply patronising you are!

I have not "failed to understand" anything you posted. I just think it's horseshit. I hope you can understand that.

Nobody is "expecting her to immediately hate him and pretend he doesn't exist". You're the deluded one!!

This courageous and dignified lady is going through hell, caused by the devious, cheating bastard and I am sure it's all she can do to put one foot in front of the other. To suggest she expend the tiniest little bit of her energy on concern on this waste of space of a male, is just ridiculous. Do you see him reaching out to anyone to make sure she is ok? Do you fuck!

That is hardly helpful right now.

He's probably at one of his other women's houses, or else in a bar explaining to a woman half his age that his wife doesn't understand him.

Does the other woman really think she's so special that there won't be others if a man will do this to his wife, child and the one on the way?

What a lowlife your husband is. I’m glad you’ve got such a good brother and SIL to give you support. You must be in terrible shock. I can’t imagine what goes through the mind of a man who will so happily cheat on his pregnant wife.

When I first saw your thread I was hoping she was lying- we had an incident at work a number of years ago when a scorned ex emailed hundreds of people that two of my colleagues were having an affair- they weren’t and it got very nasty.

You have an army in your corner here, OP, including a depressingly large number of women who have been through something similar. MN was my lifesaver in those awful times and helped me see clearly when my own mind was a mess.

As others have said, be prepared for the emotional blackmail that might come when your numbskull H realises what he's done. We'll be here for you if/when you need some support.

Your brother rocks, by the way. 👌

Why? What harm would a single glass at 38 weeks do?

An obstetrician will tell you the same!!