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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know his secret… thread 2

1000 replies

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 08:43

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

I know his secret but how do I play this? | Mumsnet

I have been married for five years to who I thought was a wonderful man, we have a child and one on the way. Last night I received a text from his fe...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

OP posts:
HereComesColinFrissell · 09/12/2024 14:59

Hi OP,

I hope you're okay. You've had some fantastic advice from PP's, I just wanted to jump on and say that it is going to hurt when you emotionally process his silence

I was in your position, although not 38 weeks pregnant, our second baby was 5 months old and what hurt me more than the betrayal was the fact that he just walked away when I told him I knew and to go, he didn't try and fight for "us", he didn't seem to care about me at all. That was the biggest kick in the gut for me and it took me a long time to get over that. His Mum did come round to see me to try and "fix his mess", says it all really doesn't it 🤣

You are doing so well and sounds like you have a lovely support network. Your parents sound very much like mine, my Dad was great with the finances and my Mum was my emotional rock

Best of luck OP, you really will be so much better off without him 💐

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2024 15:00

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 09:21

Not a wink! I’m hoping once I’ve told my parents and talked it through I will feel like I can sleep.

I hope so, you need rest x

gotmyknickersinatwist · 09/12/2024 15:00

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 09:03

Yes the baby was very much planned, we always discussed a smallish age gap and I was tracking ovulation etc. he was really happy when we got the positive test, this is why this is so hard to comprehend, I thought we were on the same page and he was happy.

Clearly no plans to leave based on this as a PP said, but obviously making promises to the OW. News of your pregnancy has been a wake up call for her & she wants to punish him.

CissOff · 09/12/2024 15:01

In awe of your strength and dignity OP. I would be like a banshee and tearing his entire life down.

I’d love to be like you if I was ever in your situation 💐

3luckystars · 09/12/2024 15:02

I am amazed he hasn’t contacted you. Where is he?

Be prepared to miss him. I know it makes no sense but your body will take a huge amount of time to catch up with what has happened.

You are probably in a state of complete shock and have not really missed him yet.

This is going to be really hard and confusing but just so you know, you can change your mind. Your decisions are not final.
it isn’t ‘deal or no deal’
You can decide something today and change your mind tomorrow and change it again tomorrow night. You can take your time. Whatever you do to get through the next few months, you are off the hook.
Just do you know, it’s ok to be mixed up. Everything you feel is ok and you will know what to do when the time is right. Good luck with the arrival of your new baby x

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 09/12/2024 15:04

What a piece of shit he is. And the OW, for throwing that bombshell at you at this stage when you least need such a horrible shock. Two selfish creatures deserve each other.

OP, I wish you a safe and peaceful birth, and a happy future with DC and your loving family.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/12/2024 15:05

Thursdaygirl · 09/12/2024 14:58

I bet the OW engineered this.
She wasn’t thinking of you and the children, that’s for sure.
I expect he’s there and she’s pleased as punch .
Morals of an alley cat, both of them.
It’s so often when Christmas looms as well that their hand is forced by OW.
It’s par for the course that he’s being silent.

Sadly I agree. But I'd be amazed if he and the OW last very long. Once ex-DH and I had split, the OW was no longer forbidden fruit and the situation lost its appeal very quickly.

Yeah it was late in the year when it happened to me too. OW issued an ultimatum as she wanted my husband with her at Christmas. He had to leave me or she was going to tell me. I knew her which made it all the more horrific as she had tried to insert herself in our marriage many years earlier. I know what it feels like to have a bomb dropped on your life and have a young child to care for at the same time. They are horrible cunts, the lot of them.

Errors · 09/12/2024 15:06

Hi OP. Read all your posts. Heart really goes out to you. I can’t believe he is so much of a coward that he won’t even check in to see if you’re ok - especially seeing as you’re about to have his child! What a cunt.

comingintomyown · 09/12/2024 15:06

Hi OP I am so sorry this has happened to you at all never mind when you are due to have your second baby. What a stupid selfish man, wishing you the best and I would say strength but you clearly have an abundance of that already ✨

Ilovemyshed · 09/12/2024 15:06

I've been following this thread and just wanted to say OP that you are coming across as incredibly brave and strong in what is an unbelievable situation.

I hope you get through this time and find joy in your new arrival and in the life you rebuild afterwards. Stay strong within the love and support of your family and keep focused on your needs and those of your children.

Best wishes to you.

ElizaMulvil · 09/12/2024 15:07

MyrtleStrumpet · 09/12/2024 10:12

The reason you should take it out of the account is to stop him taking it and leaving you with no money to pay the bills.

So screenshot how much is in there. Move it to a separate account in your name. Eventually move the bills to the new account. While you're waiting for that to be sorted out, put enough money back in the joint account to pay each bill the night before the direct debit comes out.

You can give him the new account details so he can pay his share of his responsibilities.

Yes, this.

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2024 15:21

WhoIsBetty · 09/12/2024 14:42

I doubt very much she will be worried about his wellbeing. And nor should she be. And if she is then I’m sure she will ask for advice. Adults are responsible for their own mental health and their own behaviours. If he’s struggling he’s more than capable of asking for help. It’s nothing to do with the OP. She should devote zero time and energy to his well-being but you have now invited her to do just that. I don’t think that’s helpful.

She should devote zero time and energy to his well-being but you have now invited her to do just that. I don’t think that’s helpful.

Who are you to tell OP what she should be doing or feeling? There isn't a handbook you know, she can feel and do whatever she likes, and she probably will be going through the wringer today, with all sorts of doubt, guilt and second guessing, which is all perfectly normal for someone who has had such a shock, people like you telling her what she should or shouldn't feel or think is just massively overstepping IMO

At the end of the day if she doesn't find peoples suggestions on here helpful she will obviously disregard it, or she may find it beneficial to have people recognise that there isn't a right or wrong response here, and it's natural to feel conflicted while working through this situation, but it certainly isn't up to you to police other posters on here who have a different opinion to your own.

Ilovemyshed · 09/12/2024 15:22

Thursdaygirl · 09/12/2024 14:58

I bet the OW engineered this.
She wasn’t thinking of you and the children, that’s for sure.
I expect he’s there and she’s pleased as punch .
Morals of an alley cat, both of them.
It’s so often when Christmas looms as well that their hand is forced by OW.
It’s par for the course that he’s being silent.

Sadly I agree. But I'd be amazed if he and the OW last very long. Once ex-DH and I had split, the OW was no longer forbidden fruit and the situation lost its appeal very quickly.

I agree and they will both have an unhappy Christmas and it will likely hit home to him the enormity of what he has destroyed. I cannot see it lasting with the OW. What an utterly shit situation.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2024 15:25

Any woman who gets involved with a man who she knows to have a wife and child, whatever lies he spins to get her legs apart, is as guilty as he is.

Never believe the bullshit, however attractive and seductive it might seem. It's a well-known path.

And men who feel they're not getting the sex they think is their right, despite the fact the wife may be heavily pregnant and looking after their toddler, will tell those lies with zero conscience, as so many accounts here will confirm.

I wonder if she gave him an 'I don't want to be alone at Christmas' ultimatum, he turned her down, maybe ended it - and this is both her revenge on him and a knife twist for the OP for having won this 'prize'?

Or if she genuinely believed the married man's lying program he was running - until the pregnancy news came as a nasty dose of reality and this is a late surge of guilt and remorse?

It will be interesting when they have to keep working together.

Whatever, it's unlikely having delivered this domestic, emotional and financial wrecking ball into his cushy set up that he'd be going to her with much joy.

And even if he does, OP please beware the Mr Nice step on the cycle. Probably encouraged by his family who risk losing the grandchildren, or the soured collapse of the affair.

'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, it won't ever happen again', tears, self prostration for forgiveness, presents, promises, pushing all your buttons. It's a mask.

Because if you accept and forgive - he will do it again. Because he'll know you'll let him.

Your No will reveal more of his true nature, which will shock you.

Stay strong, OP, with your brilliant family, and lovely baby here soon.

AlertCat · 09/12/2024 15:31

@Waffletots i would love to be the role model to my daughter that you are to your dc. Just sending gentle hugs to you from here, and bad karma to him. May he get exactly what he deserves (I liked the curse of stubbing his toe daily).

Florawest · 09/12/2024 15:34

TheaBrandt · 09/12/2024 09:19

Think every woman in England hates this guy right now. Lucky for him he’s anonymous.

I was in the hairdressers and an elderly lady was saying how her grandson had done what ops Dh has. Every woman in there of every age and class including his own grandmother were hating on him.

Not only in England, Scotland but here in Ireland too, what a low life to do at any time but especially when the pregnancy was planned.

In my thoughts and prayers you and your children ( unborn one too ).

butterfly0404 · 09/12/2024 15:38

I can't add anything to what everyone else has said but your strength, dignity and protection of your babies is something to behold.

When this is all over, I promise you, you will be fine.
He on the other hand will likely remain a cheating, lying, selfish, duplicitous wanker who has lost a wonderful family. I hope it haunts him for the rest of his days x x

2025willbemytime · 09/12/2024 15:43

Tahlbias · 09/12/2024 12:27

Sorry, had to laugh! (Good humoured of course) Courgette? I think you meant courage?? Bloody autocorrect!

It was on purpose as the first person had the auto correct and couldn't change it. We should all send courgettes. My iPad has no emoji, sadly.

Combattingthemoaners · 09/12/2024 15:44

I have read all of your updates and just wanted to say you’re handling this with such dignity. What a selfish pig of a man. Good luck with the birth of your baby. How lucky your children are to have such an amazing mum. Keep that head held high x

LivelyMintViper · 09/12/2024 15:50

You must be feeling absolutely shell shocked. Please hand over your financial and legal decisions to your father and brother so they can advise you. Although I'm certain they are very very angry they are in a better position emotionally to be able to keep a clear head and focus on what needs to be done leaving your mum to do what she does best. However awful it is right now better days are ahead. We are all rooting for you ...

BigAnne · 09/12/2024 15:51

@Waffletots You and your family are amazing. Your DH obviously knows he's tucked up big time. I hope you have the strength not to buckle. Good luck

BigAnne · 09/12/2024 15:52

BigAnne · 09/12/2024 15:51

@Waffletots You and your family are amazing. Your DH obviously knows he's tucked up big time. I hope you have the strength not to buckle. Good luck

*fucked

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 09/12/2024 15:54

He planned another baby while actively having an affair.

Scum

So sorry, OP. You and your children deserve So Much Better.

Gumtree91 · 09/12/2024 15:54

Stay strong. Your children need you. Better times will come.

I recommend these meditationes: The Mindful movement, in you tube. Deep healing meditation. Lots of other good ones.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=UwRKEjQ4yuo&pp=ygUXZGVlcCBoZWFsaW5nIG1lZGl0YXRpb24%3D

Needhelp101 · 09/12/2024 16:00

Courgette, mon brave OP. I really hope you have managed to get some rest.

@TheFormidableMrsC gives great advice as usual. Chump Lady will also give you some explanation of his (and her) utterly horrible behaviour x

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