I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Nah, fuck that.

And all those saying "why hasn't he been in touch"...don't worry he will when he's got his story straight.

Be prepared for the minimising, gaslighting, blameshifting etc OP bc il bet my life it will come. She was the "office flirt" after all so it's not his fault she relentlessly pursued him and threw herself onto his dick! The guy I was seeing who turned out to be married was hysterically ringing his dw threatening to throw himself off a bridge at the same time as texting me telling me he loved me and asking to meet up! The manipulation was off the scale. So be prepared for the faux "I'm going to top myself" angle.

Sadly, after I told this particular dickhead to fuck off in no uncertain terms I think his dw took him back and I often think of her and wonder if she ever found out the extent of the lies he told. I thought about sending her all the messages etc but decided to leave it up to her, she knew where to find me. He even told me she'd taken an overdose when she found out he was seeing me (all lies and she knew nothing about me!) he painted her as a nasty, miserable harridan who was trying to block him from moving out of the joint home and making his life a misery as he had to be careful how he left bc of her delicate mental health. As i mentioned earlier, he introduced me to friends and colleagues and openly flaunted our relationship - I had no reason to believe he wasn't telling the truth. It beggars belief how these shitheads think they will just get away with it (though I'm sorry to say many do). I was so relieved I discovered the truth after only seeing him for a few months. Obviously I felt incredibly stupid.
I realised after it all came out in the open that she was probably just a very nice, trusting woman who loved him and had no reason to believe he was lying and leading a double life. She was very attractive and had a really good job and there were no children involved so I couldn't understand why she didn't dump his sorry arse but then I assume he's been manipulating her for years, his mind games worked on me for a while too.

Don't do the pick me dance whatever you decide OP. He's so not worth it, and you sound marvellous 💐

Don't make any rash decisions yet, just concentrate on you and your babies - but be prepared for him turning nasty when/if he realises you're not going to let him come home.

If the OW does stay with him she's a fool and they deserve one another.

Particularly as you will presumably be on reduced pay on maternity leave at some point @Waffletots ?

@Waffletots I read your first thread yesterday and am so impressed with how you have handled things! I was you 16 years ago I found out between Xmas and NYE when my children were 8,4 and 6 weeks old and it had gone on the entirety of my pregnancy.

You’ve had some great advice already, the first thing I did was look to see what UC (then tax credits) I was entitled to on maternity and applied to ensure bills could be paid, some of these benefits entitle you to other elements so use one of the calculators online to check. I then made a solicitors appointment for the new year so I could enjoy the rest of the Xmas break with my children and try to get my head around it! Be kind to yourself the emotions range is extreme, tell your medical team (midwife, Health visitor etc)

My XH also didn’t communicate with me didn’t phone to see the children nothing just went awol - the mistake I made was I was desperate for answers and then did the pick me dance when I got the script (didn’t know what that was until I found mumsnet!)

16 years later, I am happy, remarried and have another child with my partner. The years between then and now were hard at times but my focus was my children and we have had the best times. For the record my XH has just done the same thing to someone else for the 3rd or 4th time since we split - the children now adults (24,20 and 16) think his an idiot. He did eventually a few years later beg me to take him back - I declined his kind offer! I don’t know where I got the strength from in those early days and they seem all a blur now - focus on what you can focus on take each day at a time practicality helps, changing the house up helped, the emotions I had no control over and just kinda worked through a full range. Some days I couldn’t do much other days I could do a lot. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the very best but just wanted to tell you, you and your children will be just fine without him 😊

Hi OP

What a failure as a man your soon to be exDH is and in stark contrast what a strong gracious lovely person you are! . Your children are lucky to have you!. He is remaining silent currently as he is cornered and doesn't know what to say. I think your silence will be killing him though as he literally went to work with one life and arrived home to a markedly different one and its all his fault. as for OW - I wouldn't give any thought to her, your energy is precious.

I hope your family are looking after you OP, and you are feeling as strong as you’ve been sounding, whilst I’m sure feeling also so broken.

I’m sure more will emerge in due course, but I hope to god this hasn’t unravelled because the OW is also pregnant.

Give me one good solid reason why the OP should extend the slightest consideration to this absolute arse of a man, after what he has done and is doing to her? Why on earth should she feel a modicum of "guilt"??!

She needs to concentrate on herself, her pregnancy/birth, her toddler, and all of their wellbeing, including finances - that's a fuckton without giving that prick a second thought!

I'm sure the OW can look out for him.

No, I meant courgette - was echoing an earlier poster who experienced the power of autocorrect 😂

You're doing amazing op

These men eh - they are absolutely shocking

A small child and you're heavily pregnant!!!!

Removed as I had misunderstood the post

What a cowardly fucking fuck he is

Read your thread yesterday and suggested (as did others) a glass of wine. Hope you had it. You are doing well. Stay strong. 💐

Place marking op I've been thinking of you. You've handled this so well! I wouldn't take money out of the bill account as you need a roof over your head and the kids

I don't have to give you anything.. but I think my reasoning was perfectly clear in my post, which you obviously failed to understand, as I predicted some people would, some people can't wait to work themselves into a lather.

I never said she should feel guilt, no one in their right mind would even think that, but chances are she will feel guilt, she will still love him, and she will feel responsible if anything happens to him, he is the father of her child/ren and until yesterday OP had a perfectly loving husband as part of a happy family, she has been completely blindsided and it takes time to work through situations like this, you can't just switch your feelings off and chances are she will feel all sorts of confusing things in the aftermath of him blowing a huge hole in their lives.

People expecting her to immediately hate him and pretend he doesn't exist when you have children to think about are completely deluded.

So my advice in my post was, to offload the responsibility of thinking about his wellbeing on to someone else, so OP doesn't have to bear that burden herself, there's a chance he will try and get to her that way, through guilt and obligation, so it would be beneficial to tell people close to him, so he can be their problem to deal with, instead of OPs.

She's heavily pregnant. Hope she didn't have it.

Well said!!! He’s an adult. He’s made his choices. It will be up to him what he does next and if his mental health dips he can take himself to the GP. She is in NO way responsible for his mental health, then or now. Especially not now.

@MeltingSky and because Shes 38 weeks pregnant that glass of wine would do her absolutely no harm! That baby is cooked already! I hope she did have the glass of wine

totally agree with sandyhappypeople. hope your doing ok OP, can't believe he hasn't tried to contact you

I'd like to think he had a late minute guilt trip and ended it with her so she took revenge on him, OP unfortunately being collateral damage. He looses both of them and serves him right cheating bastaad.

I doubt very much she will be worried about his wellbeing. And nor should she be. And if she is then I’m sure she will ask for advice. Adults are responsible for their own mental health and their own behaviours. If he’s struggling he’s more than capable of asking for help. It’s nothing to do with the OP. She should devote zero time and energy to his well-being but you have now invited her to do just that. I don’t think that’s helpful.

Isn't he just? I'd like to think he's had the balls to contact OP during today. I mean it can't be much fun in the office can it? Utterly grim.

No but I'm not sure the baby would appreciate having wine pumped into it's blood stream right now.

Also I didn't read many people suggesting a glass of wine. We must be on different threads.

Anyway, I'll not derail.

I hope your visit with your parents is helping 🥰

@Waffletots your strength and resilience is absolutely astounding and you are a credit to yourself. I read your post last night and was absolutely gobsmacked at his deceit and lies.

I would only hope that I would be able to handle anything like this as well as you have, notwithstanding your current situation of being heavily pregnant.

Please take all the support offered to you over the coming days, weeks and months and don't think for one second that you owe him anything at all.

His silence is deafening, and he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. You sound like you are an inherently good person and your children will benefit from this - you've already demonstrated putting them first in all of this, which is commendable.

Your parents and brother sound very supportive too, you are lucky and you will need them over the next few months.

With regard to finances, access some advice when you can and in the meantime I would not suggest emptying the joint account if you can afford to leave it there. No doubt you will need to consult solicitors at some point and by leaving everything where it is for now, again you're demonstrating your credibility and prioritising keeping a roof over your heads.

I will look out for your updates and I wish you lots of love and strength over the coming days and weeks - you have definitely got this and you will come out of this a stronger and better person.

Try to rest and sleep as you can x

You are amazing. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I hope your parents have been able to help. Hugs

I bet the OW engineered this.
She wasn’t thinking of you and the children, that’s for sure.
I expect he’s there and she’s pleased as punch .
Morals of an alley cat, both of them.
It’s so often when Christmas looms as well that their hand is forced by OW.
It’s par for the course that he’s being silent.

Sadly I agree. But I'd be amazed if he and the OW last very long. Once ex-DH and I had split, the OW was no longer forbidden fruit and the situation lost its appeal very quickly.