Asking fathers permission to propose

[janfebmar87]

Inspired by another thread but not a thread about a thread.

I really feel this is out dated and perpetuates the narrative that women are the possession of men

If we ever want true equality then we need to put "traditions" like this to bed.

@Parker231 Asking my dad was more about tradition and respect, not seeking permission in the literal sense. Ultimately the choice was mine and I would have agreed without his permission. My dad was made up and so was my mum when they got home after their few hours out. She didn't feel put out at all as again it's just about tradition, and same as my parents and his parents they had asked the father's permission so it's just a natural thing to want / expect. Of course I didn't ask my father in laws permission - he'd laugh at me and ask if I'm feeling okay 🤣

I've never thought of being my father's possession and he's never made me feel like I am. I'm his little girl (granted not so little anymore) who he adores and treasures so it's just a nice respectful thing to do.

My dad would have torn a bloody strip off DH if he'd done something so sexist and regressive as to have asked my father before asking me. And rightly so.

My brother asked his future FIL before marrying his (second) wife. First was estranged from her father, as I recall, so I don't think it came up.

My parents and I were united in finding that absolutely ridiculous. But DBro has daughters, so I guess that's what he'd like. He's always skewed more sexist, though.

it is so outdated

so is waiting for a man to ask and being given away

we are no longer property

So why didn't his DW check she had your support?

I think it depends upon the relationship you have with your father, and the relationship the guy has with his father in law.

I get that it's old fashioned but it's a harmless tradition, really. Some people like it, others don't and the guy should, if he knows his partner at all, have a feel for whether their partner would appreciate the gesture or not.

My father walked me down the aisle. But I didn't think of it as giving me away, those words weren't used.

He was just accompanying me, and it made him part of the special day.
I was in my 40s btw!

DH spoke to my DPs before he proposed, partly because he knew they were both quite traditional people who'd appreciate the gesture, but also because my DM was in the final stages of cancer, and he wanted her to know that there would be a wedding, even if she wasn't going to be there to see it, and he wanted her to feel part of it, and part of our future lives together.

He asked for both their blessing, not just my dad's, because theirs was a real partnership of a marriage, and he respected that. DM was very moved; DF was moved by how much DH had considered DM's feelings - which he thought was a pretty good indication of how he'd consider mine, as his wife. So yes, maybe old-fashioned, but also heartfelt.

Why go mad instead of talking it through. If he had it would be because you'd never shown objection to the idea.
No need for drama.

the Jane Austen characters fathers were doing a due diligence on the man in the main. Was he really single, could he support a wife & family, did he really intend to get married or was he a messer.

But...the period between deciding to marry and marrying is the time you are engaged to be married. Unless you can pull off deciding and marrying in the same instant (you can't) everyone has a period of engagement.
There seem to be a lot of people in this thread who don't understand what the terms actually mean and are trying to invest them with some sort of weight and anti feminist slant they don't have.

My DH didn't ask my parents 40 years ago and I would have been annoyed if he had.

That being said, both our SILs asked DH and it was really nice knowing that a special romantic moment was coming for both DD and keeping those happy secrets for a little while. We really felt included in their lives.

So your DH had a conversation with your parents but you didn’t give the same respect to your future in-laws?

But that’s my point — they weren’t.

She had no idea the surprise proposal was coming. DS purposely chose a very random date and place where she'd be least expecting it.

It's an outdated tradition but then again so many traditions are outdated if you actually look into the meaning. Should a bride's father walk her up the aisle? It's based on the father handing over possession of his daughter to the husband. A bride's parents paying for the wedding is a form of dowry, paying the husband to take responsibility for their daughter off their hands.

So many traditions which involve male ownership of women have fallen by the wayside (rape is now a crime against the victim herself rather than a crime for devaluing her father's property), maybe these should too.

I have so many questions...
What do you think is so lovely about excluding your mum? Are you not your "mum's little girl" too? Why is she finding out about your engagement after your father? Why is he more important than her?

How did you decide without one of you saying something like 'let's get married'?That's a proposal. It doesn't need to be all knees and hearts and flowers. It's just the question.

I agree, I’ve always thought when people say “we’re getting engaged on x date” is really strange.
In my understanding, engagement is not a relationship status but the period of time between the ‘shall we get married’ conversation is agreed, whether that includes an out of the blue down on one knee extravaganza or is just a chat while your watching Eastenders or whatever, and the wedding.
If a showy proposal happens after the initial chat I think you are already engaged and the proposal is just for show.

I don't know anyone who has done this, personally. Early 30s. It is pointless. You're not going to break up if he says no, are you??

My grandmother's engagement was a whole palavar though; my granddad turned up with his parents one rainy afternoon and they sat long into the night eating, drinking, and negotiating the dowry etc. No one took any notice of the fact that my grandmother didn't actually want to get married.

I'm so glad we live in different times and places

I agree. I don't want my father to give me away. I wanted both me parents to escort me down the aisle. My mum point blank refused as she likes "tradition".

I like some traditions but I think some have just had their day and this is one of them.

patriarchal nonsense.

Why not ask their mother too? why ask anyone?

as i said on that other thread: we are never going to have equality while young women keep up with this utter piffle.

My dad always said he'd say no if asked. And that he'd tell me to say no as well. Because any man who thought i needed my dad's permission to do something isn't a man I should marry.

If i ever get married, I think I'd like my sons to walk me down the aisle. I've lived with them longer than I've ever lived with anyone else.

I'm nearly 75 and nobody followed that in my day so I doubt anyone does now :-). A lot of people still make a thing about bride being 'given away', which I also don't like. We are not the property of our parents.

In earlier times, children were their parents' possessions until they were 21 but that was a very long time ago.

I’m confused? They weren’t asking permission?

I'm getting married in 2 weeks. My STBDH asked both my parents. We are both mid-forties and my parents late70's. It was less 'ask' - more like a promise to make me happy, etc etc and it meant a lot to him to do it - me not so much! My mum found it very sweet, my dad was slightly bemused. Didn't remotely feel like a possession and think it is quite a harmless tradition these days.