Asking fathers permission to propose

[janfebmar87]

Inspired by another thread but not a thread about a thread.

I really feel this is out dated and perpetuates the narrative that women are the possession of men

If we ever want true equality then we need to put "traditions" like this to bed.

Slippery slope, isn't it? Without going all feminist, I would just like to point out that FGM is also traditional but you don't see many people who follow this tradition being praised for their manners and exemplary upbringing. Yes, I realise this is an extreme example but sometimes it is necessary to take things out of proportion to highlight the point.

My DH did this (I overheard the conversation). I forgave him though as he’s foreign and thought that’s what people do in the UK. My dad swiftly and politely said, actually I think this is her choice don’t you. It is the 21st century after all!“

My DP didn’t ‘ask’ my Dad (or my Mum) but he did tell them both in advance.

He told my Mum so she could help with ring sizing. She engineered a situation where we looked through my late Nan’s jewellery and we tried her rings on. One fit perfectly, so she got it sized and I never suspected a thing as she got me to try it on my other hand!

He told my Dad when they went out for their usual beers (he doesn’t have a Dad, so mine just adopted him as his own). My Dad died very suddenly earlier this year so he never made our wedding, but I’m glad he got to be involved in the engagement in some way as he was over the moon for us.

It's not charming, it's sexist and absolutely ridiculous. Assuming the prospective bride is an adult woman, what on earth has her parents' "permission" got to do with it?

I expect most of these couples are already living together. Did the bloke ask permission of the father to "live in sin" with the daughter. A traditional father would have been more likely to have an opinion on that!

My dad is in his early 80s and very traditional/a bit sexist on some things but he is totally flummoxed by this particular tradition. He says if either of his sons in law had asked permission to marry his daughters he would have said "Why on earth are you asking me? Why aren't you asking her? She's the only person who can permit you to marry her!"

Asking parents (not just the father) for blessing/approval is slightly different, but even that should come from BOTH parties in the couple, once they've already established an agreement to marry. As other posters have said, if Dad says no, what are they going to do about it? Just say oh, OK then we won't get married.

Nothing romantic or special about men deciding women's life choices for them. Yuck!

If my DH of 28 years had asked my dad for permission, dad would have laughed him out of the house and told him that if he thought that was a good idea he didn't know me well enough to marry me. I think its just weird.

I'm surprised this is still a thing it didn't happen when we got married over 40 years ago.

What? 😳
My (emotionally abusive) father was dead at that time, anyway.

Dh asked my dad but I think really it’s polite telling/informing. Depending on family dynamics, for us it was lovely that my parents were in on it and first to know. If dad had said no then we would still have got married.

This!! I feel like “proposals” and “engagements” weren’t even so much of thing a generation ago? Theres been a bizarre resurgence in these things- I guess part of insta culture? Proposals made sense in the Jane Austen era, they don’t make any sense in the context of current relationships. People live together/ buy property/ sometimes have kids and then announce their engagement . It’s hardly news is it? I’m thinking- “um yes, we did all already figure you two were an item!”

it was lovely that my parents were in on it and first to know

God no, if I'm getting married I want to be the first to know about it, not second or third!

People pick and choose though. Like, there are many women that still expect the tradition of the man paying!

My husband asked my dad and I thought that was lovely!
My dad was thrilled to be asked, gave my husband his blessing, and my dad gave me away at our wedding.

I have no issue with traditions like this

It’s one of those old fashioned and outdated traditions - similar to some women automatically taking their husbands surname.

It's surely not "asking permission" these days. It's saying he would like to marry you, their (Dad's or the parents') daughter. Hoping for a big smile and expressions of joy. So getting their blessing rather than needing their permission in order to move forward.
My DH asked my Dad after we'd decided (not a proposal!) and I was really pleased he did.
Traditions matter to some people. This one is a kind of stage in growing up.

I'd have cringed if dh had done that.

Out of curiosity did she ask for her future PIL's blessings before accepting?

I’ve genuinely only ever encountered that on Mn, and I’ve lived in lots of different countries. Even students of mine who would be having an arranged or semi-arranged marriage just after their graduation would have thought this was a weird, reactionary charade, and they were actually going to marry people selected by their parents!

It was important to me for my fiance to ask my dad. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I saw it more as asking permission for him to join my family.

Well if you don't like it, fair enough! Your DH doesn't need to speak with your dad or whoever first. Fine!

Personally I think it's quite respectful to approach the family with your intentions and seek their views. I don't think anyone 'asks permission' in the old fashioned sense anymore, it's more of a 'this is what I'd like to do, are you happy with that? How do you feel about it?'... A sort of friendly reaching out and showing respect.

My husband phoned my mum (my parents r divorced and dad dead by the time DH proposed) about 5 mins before he proposed to me. I thought that was nice. Mum felt really included and so happy her future son in law had reached out to her. She'd not have expected it, but valued his gesture. I think it was lovely.

Each to their own but I like the tradition!

But why Is that your dads permission to give and not yours

I don't like this tradition and was shocked when my considerably younger friend said her husband had asked her Dad. She said it was out of respect to her Dad but I was more concerned with respect to her.

Not all "traditions" are good but then I'm always disappointed when women change their names, so maybe I'm an extremist?

I think it's different to being "given away" because women can choose whether or not to include that in their wedding by virtue of the fact they (presumably!) know their wedding is taking place beforehand?! Even the proposal itself, women can say yes or no. But someone thinking that your Dad needs to 'ok' it first is nonsense.

Should husband's be asking a father's permission before they impregnate their wife too?

Of course there’s something wrong with it! Why would you involve your dad in your love life??? If, as I’m assuming, you wouldn’t have taken any notice if need said no, why the charade of being an ickle girl with no agency?

Did you have a similar conversation with your future in-laws?

Unfortunately I think a lot of young women see this as a sweet thing for their DP to do. There seems to be an alarming number of young women who think it's cute to be 'little wifey' and even talk about how to be a 'better GF' than the person he cheated with etc, I'm assuming it's driven by social media but I think we've gone backwards in some respects not forwards.

My partner asked my dad. I personally thought it was nice, it meant the world to my dad as he is quite traditional