Asking fathers permission to propose

[janfebmar87]

Inspired by another thread but not a thread about a thread.

I really feel this is out dated and perpetuates the narrative that women are the possession of men

If we ever want true equality then we need to put "traditions" like this to bed.

Your DD wouldn't marry someone if you hadn't given your blessing?! That is unusual.

DH didn't ask my DF - my dad was so lovely and would have said to ask me

😁

I like tradition. Most traditions have changed from their origin method or meaning but we continue them because of the fact they are traditions and feel special, and some (like the partner asking permission/seeking a blessing from FIL before proposing) are used to show respect or because they r a way to include family in our celebrating.

I also celebrate Christmas, even though I disagree with religion and most of the teachings of the bible.

I celebrate Easter even though I don't agree with lots of Christianity.

I'm happy to attend a firework display even though blowing up the houses of parliament isn't my thing! Or burning someone on a bonfire doesn't really marry with my current views on rehabilitation.

Do you celebrate Christmas OP? Is it not a bit outdated to celebrate the birth of a man who claimed to be the son of god (who it was also claimed happened to be male - how mysoginistic)? and who sporned a religion which opposed gay marriage until v recently? ... Or maybe it's ok to keep these traditions alive because the meaning has changed (for some) but the practice continues to be cherished by many....

Why your DH and not you?

My husband asked both my parents (they're not together but asked my Dad, took my mum out for lunch & asked her etc). I thought it was a lovely touch and cemented the support - and I'd be very touched if my children's future partners asked us before proposing!

My BIL asked my dad's permission to marry my sister. Sadly, this didn't demonstrate anything good about him because he turned out to be an abusive bastard. He just knows when to turn the charm on to fool people.

I’m Irish and living in Ireland but my partner’s daughters were born and raised in England. Both his sons in law asked permission to marry his daughters. I found it amusing but just assumed it was an English thing, I’m finding this thread interesting.

So why didn't she ask for your blessing?

DH didn't - we told them together as some of the first people to know. Wasn't given away either - small registry office but close family were there.

DH says if anyone of our DDs partners asks him he'll think less of them - and may say no to see what they do - though in practise not sure how he'll respond - probably with a startled okay - and a wtf for years afterwards.

I have been married for over 25 years and it was very outdated even then. Women are not the possession of their fathers. The whole thing gives me the ick.

I like the idea of asking for parents' support/blessing but I would have wanted to do that as a couple and with both parents.

The logic behind doing it man to man and one side of the family only escapes me

Did you do similar with your future in-laws?

In a similar vein to your thread OP
How many women have their fathers walk them up the aisle. This means the fathers are ‘giving them away’

Anyone considered what side you stand at at the alter in a church wedding?( Or even in a registry office, although this seems bizarre )
For those of you who have married did you realise you were standing on the left side!

Has anyone posted this yet?

Would any of you adult women ask your parents blessing to take a job, buy a house, have a baby, take up Rock
climbing?

Agree. The whole thing is weird. If you live together (and even more if you have children), big proposals are weird. You've already committed.

😁

Both of our adult DC spoke to their future in laws before proposing.

I thought it was lovely.

They also told us that they would be doing this and the date and what they had organised to make the moment special.

We were excited to hear of the plans.

In my case it wasn't asking permission it was more about hoping DH had their approval to marry as we were quite young (22, married at 23).
DS spoke to his now DW's DM and grandparents before he proposed. He also showed them the ring. He did it as a mark of respect but also to let them in on the secret (DH and I knew too).
They were childhood sweethearts and had been together for 12 years (mid 20s) and despite owning a house together for several years were still fairly young by today's standards.
His DW was delighted he'd included them in the proposal, especially as her GP died not long afterwards, before the wedding. It meant a lot to her that they showed support for their union. It wasn't about seeking permission, DS knew he had that already.

Are your DC men? Did their partners speak to you ?

Blimey. That's a bit old hat. We didn't even bother about this 50 years ago let alone today.

If you read Jane Austen you will see that mostly people got engaged first and then asked for parental permission. I don’t know how it got twisted into any expectation that anyone should ask permission before proposing.
Whatever, it IS outdated and I didn’t think anyone did it any more.

There are so many traditions around marriage that really, when you think about it, are totally ridiculous and yet, I find myself liking them. DH did talk to my parents (not just my dad). He knew it was silly but he felt he should. It was funny as basically my parents told him he' dbetter ask me - i thas nothing to do with them but that they liked him very much and would love for him to be part of our family. Ditto, my dad walked me down the aisle. As a die hard feminist, I struggled with that - such a silly, antiquated tradition and yet, I wanted him to do it.

When someone says 'shall we get married' or similar, that's a proposal of marriage. Just like saying 'shall we have a sandwich?' Is a proposal to have lunch. No kneeling required...

If you are a supportive family then, surely, a blessing is implied? Or are you saying you wouldn't have supported her had she not insisted on a blessing? In which case this is surely not supportive at all.