Asking fathers permission to propose

[janfebmar87]

Inspired by another thread but not a thread about a thread.

I really feel this is out dated and perpetuates the narrative that women are the possession of men

If we ever want true equality then we need to put "traditions" like this to bed.

Aw no I think it's lovely and respectful. You are your fathers little girl not his possession. it's just a sign of respect.

My partner took my dad to play golf and asked him if he could marry me, then they went back to my parents home together and told my mum and they had lunch together.

It was one of the first things I asked when he proposed to me if he'd asked my dad 🥲 I think its lovely.

Proposals are a bit weird but a man asking a FIL permission to marry his daughter is revolting. Just because something is a tradition doesn't make it ok.

Women aren't anyone's 'property'

Not trying to be argumentative, but do you not find it a bit odd that your parents knew about your impending marriage before you did (assuming it was a genuine surprise proposal)? I'm all for telling close family important news before announcing to social media and the wider world, but before the person whose life it actually involves? Just seems illogical to me.

I also hope for all the people saying that it's important to get support of family in important life choices etc, that when your DH got down on one knee you consulted his parents before saying yes? Or at least checked that you have his mother's blessing for the marriage? No? But why the difference then, why would it be important to have your family's support/blessing/permission but not his? And I hope you're all as deferential to your ILs in general life experiences, child rearing, budgeting and other such comparatively trivial life decisions as you are in whether or not to get married? 😝

But surely you only ask the father once. Once divorced you ask the ex husband as ownership has transferred?

It naff and would put me right off someone. I don’t really care too much about the sexism of it because I don’t think the 2 men involved in it really believe it’s a serious question or that either if them have any say. They are doing a dumb role play activity and we are supposed to think this somehow makes them polite and well mannered when they are just asking for cookies for being soo considerate without considering the woman at all. I don’t think they are sexist as such (although it’s definitely sexist fundamentally) but it’s a way to make themselves the main character. Naff and cringe. They’ll then covertly film the proposal and put in on Facebook.

Did people who like this promise to "love, honour and obey" at their wedding?

Why did he ask your father and not your mother? Did you make a similar request to your father in law? Would you have still got married if your father had disapproved?

Same here, though he specifically asked for their blessing rather than permission. My parents absolutely adore DH and said it was one of the happiest moments of their lives knowing he was going to propose and be in our family forever.

This. It was lovely. It meant a lot to me that he gave my dad that moment.

I would have more than cringed. I would have dumped him.

Did you go and ask the same of your future in-laws?

We’d chosen a ring together and he’d booked a trip to Paris so the clues were there. He has a great relationship with my parents so it worked for us. As I say, family dynamics are so varied. What works for one family won’t work for another. We’ve been married 20 years and have 3 daughters. I don’t really expect dh to be asked permission but happy if they do. Not one of the feminism/equity fights I’m bothered about. So many other things to be angry about.

dad did ask dh to repeat the question to mum (while laughing historically apparently 🙄). I’ve always been quite a stubborn and independent woman who was never getting married or having children so df was pleasantly surprised (and loved my dh).

My DH "asked" my dad because I told him I'd like that because I'm so so close to my dad and it's my first ever relationship (still together 14 years later and married 8). It wasn't really asking as in, it wouldn't have mattered what my dad had said, it was more like telling him packaged up as asking?

I think if the couple are happy to do it then why does it matter? You don't agree and that's fine, others like to do it and that's also fine. I don't see the big deal.

I wasn't my father's propefty but I was still his little princess 😁

Dh asked my parents for blessing. He is from different culture. He was bricking it for aome reason. Dad tried to score a camel out of it. It was hilarious

Why does your dad have decision making powers over your life? This is so weird

I didn’t but mum did and that was because the vicar pointed out that dad should never ask her to do anything she wouldn’t want to do - in his vows. I think it’s very individual and people shouldn’t mock other people’s traditions.

My father in law doesn't speak English, I speak a bit of the language but had extra lessons role playing so I had the right vocab. I was hoping to say I plan to ask her I hope I have your blessing, but given the language difference I'm not entirely sure what comes out, but we've been married many years now so I guess it wasn't too far out.

If you're a little girl you shouldn't be getting married. If you're an adult then you're nobody's little girl and it's weird that you see yourself that way

I have never heard anyone say this.
This one sentence makes it clear what a silly concept it is.

No and for a very good reason. They were both so abusive of him growing up, police et al all involved after too many hospital admissions from beatings, he now has a court enforced injunction banning them from any contact. My DH is now his next of kin so in a way he asked his dad and her dad at the same time.

My partner, years ago, asked my Dad before he asked me. I didn't actually want to get married.

Posters who are saying their husbands didn't ask their PILs permission but asked for their blessing but surely that's still a similarly outdated thing.

I understand a bride or groom telling their parents that they are getting married before telling everyone else but asking for approval is weird!

Yeah I think one of the things I dislike about it is that role play element.

Similar to how I feel about proposals. Quite often the couple have chosen a ring together, booked a trip, in one case I know of had a friend ready and primed to video it to put on Instagram, wtf is the point of asking the question?!

No 🙄But DH had discussed it with them.

My BIL rang my dad to ask him before proposing to my sister. My dad refused to let him even get the question out (knew what it was as soon as his number popped up on his phone) and just said it wasn't him that needed to be asked, but that if they did have any news at any point he and my mum would be very happy.

DH and I sort of just decided to start planning a wedding so no proposal or anything.

A friend got a bit of flack for not asking his FIL. He just said he knew either his partner or the FIL (who he got on great with) would be unhappy so he made his choice.