To feel b***** annoyed that my husband won't get the snip

[bigTillyMint]

I am in my mid-forties, we have 2 (mostly!) lovely Children and DH, in particular, does NOT want any more children. As my periods are becoming a bit irregular, I would like a foolproof method of contraception to avoid any future stress (late periods...)
His reason for not wanting to get the snip is that he couldn't face the whole hospital/operation experience. But I feel that I have been through quite a lot of hospital stuff having had 2 children, miscarriage, etc, and that it's his turn.

Any opinions / advice to persuade him?!

Yes Ive stirred this up it seems, my point was just to say dont listen to doctors about risks over opperations which either they themseves or their colleges do, as they have vested interests in getting you sterilized or I.U.D.ed ( NO COMMISION for telling you to get a gross of Durex).But for me with no vested interests and to old to even nead contraception,I can look back and see fertile couples with just the same concerns as my wife and I had.To live our lives again we should have carried on with condoms and spermicide,which used carefully are just as reliable as a vasectomy (I know of a couple who have had a baby even after the snip was done two years ealier)Most efficacy rates are for older less fertile years for I.U.D.s or sterilized couples, whereas condoms are often used by younger and therefor more fertile couples.Ask your doctor for what age of woman a particular method of contraception efficacy is used?

Yes zazen I do know about the differences in vasectomies and female sterilisation given as how I am a surgeon.

They are both day case procedures in hospital all other things being equal. Yes female sterilisation is the more major of the 2 (not least because it is under general anaesthetic and because a vasectomy is usually done under local anaesthetic) but at the end of the day they are both irreversible operations and as such I don't think anyone should be deciding that someone else must have this!

I haven't read the whole thread ... So sorry if I'm repeating.. If dh really doesn't want to go through with it, I'd be tempted to get sterilised myself.

As it happens my dh did get the snip in a clinic.. So it was less like a hospital, didn't take long and was fine after..
But he was happy doing this.

'Especially mad when you could get a Mirena coil put in which is as effective as the snip.'

Some of us, many in fact, have experienced dire side effects from this. Not just weight gain, but intense mood swings, pain, bleeding for months on end, absolute loss of libido, cystic acne, etc.

It is not for everyone.

The copper coil is an abortifacient. It is therefore not going to be for all women, either.

I tried Mirena, was terrible. Depo and implant ruled out due to my issues with post natal depression, copper coil is an abortifacient, Cerazette/mini pill gave me all the side effects of Mirena, and I can't use combined pill or those treatments because I have hypertension and am over 35.

DH hates condoms.

I was willing to have female sterilisation - but I was going to go to my parents for a fortnight after to recover. Because there's no way I could do that with three little kids, especially because GAs and I don't mix well.

So he got the snip.

He was in and out in less than no time and had no ill effects or problems at all.

Exactly expat - the 2 of you had a sensible discussion and decided that for you as a couple dh having the snip made sense.

Just think it is wrong on every level to force someone to have anirreversible surgical procedure

But OK to expect/force/call it what you will to expect the woman to go through years of artificial hormones or having a coil fitted - and the possible or probable side effects, or putting up with the itch of a condom - none of which are 100% reliable? If he's adamant that he doesn't want children, then he's got to man up and go for the snip.

Well, that is true, alicet.

The alternative is a 'no' to sex.

And that is within one's right as well, I suppose. Not ideal, though, for most.

After that Mirena, though, DH was willing enough to have the snip .

I had no desire at all, and not even PND had knocked it off, nor any AD at any dose.

It was truly shocking.

He even got tea and toast after it!

Although he did quip, 'That's weird, having some guy diddle mah baws.'

Only read a tiny bit of thread but relate to OP. In almost exactly the same position - 3 dcs ranging from 20 to 4, me 45, him 53, peri menopausal so paranoid anyway and he won't even discuss it . He withdraws everytime which is frustrating as hell for me, and him I'm sure! Whenever I bring it up he just gets really angry. I don;t want to go through sterilisation as I had loads of surgery as a child and teenager and still have nightmares about it...It really gets me down actually, but is basically best avoided. Shame cos we have an amazing sex life and it would only be better I'm sure!

I do not think YABU to be annoyed by his resistance.

BUT, I don't think you'll find a surgeon around who will perform a surgical procedure on an individual who doesn't want it.

In the case of sterilisation, the person in question needs to be 100% sure he/she never wishes to procreate again. EVER. It should always be considered a permanent form of contraception.

If someone is not 100%, then the procedure is not for him/her.

YANBU. My dh says that having that he read an article that said having the snip often leads to baldness. He has a fine head of hair and doesn't want to risk it, but I have never heard anything more incredible in my life.

My dh promised me he would have the snip after our dd was born(it was a crash section with complications during which I was told I should not have more dcs)
8 years later and it still hasn't happened, I have a mirena and it's fine for me I know other people don't get a long with them.
I love my dh and I would'nt want to force him; I appreciate how embarresing(sic?) it would be for him and he's shy to start with. It would be great for him to have it done,but on the other hand this way I'm in control(which I like)and we don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancies. Having coils put in is no fun, but I have to have smears anyway so I try and time it to coincide with that.

Schroeder do you ever bring up the issue? Has he given you a reason why he won't do it?
I felt a but when I read your post, not sure why.

I wouldn't feel sad- we talk about it sometimes,but he would really hate to have to expose his bits to anyone and I sympathise (though of course 2 emergency sections mean I've exposed mine plenty!) He really is painfully shy.
Anyway I don't want you to go away with the idea that he's a bastard and I'm some poor little woman I can assure you this is not the case

We each should have control over our own bodies.
Need a serious informed discussion, research the options.
If you both do not want any more children,
either birth control, or someone gets fixed.

If it is due to a danger to the mothers health from pregnancy, she may prefer the security of being fixed herself though.

'he would really hate to have to expose his bits to anyone and I sympathise'

What's he going to do when it comes time to be screened for bowel cancer? Or, if he gets bowel cancer?

Or if he starts having urinary continence issues, quite common in men as they age and often involving an examination if the prostate for enlargement. Via the rectum, meaning his bits will need to come out.

Sorry, but that's a lame ass excuse.

There are risk in having any operation and vasectomy is wrongly portrayed as posing no risk.

I strongly advise everyone to read this very recent thread and especially the posts by mookle and scottihsmumof2. Their husbands were very badly affected both physically and mentally.

The risks and benefits should be carefully considered. The medical profession in my view do not do enough to explain those. A statistic that suggests up to 30% of men suffer long term pain after vasectomy is shockingly high.

My dh wouldn't consider the snip because he says there is an association with increased risk of prostate cancer, which his uncle died of.

I am also in my 40s and don't want any more children. I find the coil works well. I know there is a small risk of ectopic pg but at my age the risk of any pg at all is pretty low so I'm willing to take it.

It's a case of balancing one risk against another.

It appears that many partners/dh's have very good reasons for not wanting to have the snip, I talked to my now seperated dh about it many times and his reply was that if we ever parted he might want to have more children.He also refused to wear condoms as he didn't like them.
We have 3 children together and he has only seen them 3 times in the last year .

i can see why he's your ex.

he'd have been without sex from me if he'd have refused to use condoms, because i can't use any hormonal contraception, got recurrent thrush from diaphgram and won't use a copper coil.

i would rather have no sex for the rest of my life than go through the ordeal stress, pain, depression, morning sickness , needles after needles, prodded and pocked, pulled about, my body having everything drained from it, carrying the weight for 9 months etc etc etc being pregnant and giving birth twice!! for me was like torture. i obviously went through it for the beautiful precious baby at the end of it but also so my husband could be a father. he now wont get the snip and this has made me feel very angry and hurt. i can not risk ever being pregnant again it would tip me over the edge i had nothing but complications with both and the second one worse it deeply hurts me that the man who is meant to look out for my well being aswell as me his, refuses to do what many men have done and say in the grand scheme of things its not that bad. no sex for my sake which is only going to put a strain on our relationship ... very sad. the contraception out there isnt good enough either, im not prepared to have my body messed with anymore and im terrified the condom will spilt :(

why should the woman always take the risks, dont we do enough already

Can you get a mirena?

I think the suggestion of witholding sex until he gets it is one of the daftest things I've read on here (ever)!

The bottom line is, he doesn't want one so you either have to try and talk him into it or work something else out.

It's not as if a vasectomy is the only option now is it?

Ignore first past of last post.
Just read up on the mirena opinions!

For the record, I have one and it's fabulous, but I do appreciate it's not for everybody.

Your husband's vasectomy doesn't affect your fertility, only his. Perhaps you need to leave him to decide what is the best method of contraception for him and see if that coincides with what you think is best for you. How can it be reasonable to want someone else to have an operation for your benefit?