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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel b***** annoyed that my husband won't get the snip

177 replies

bigTillyMint · 26/04/2008 14:26

I am in my mid-forties, we have 2 (mostly!) lovely Children and DH, in particular, does NOT want any more children. As my periods are becoming a bit irregular, I would like a foolproof method of contraception to avoid any future stress (late periods...)
His reason for not wanting to get the snip is that he couldn't face the whole hospital/operation experience. But I feel that I have been through quite a lot of hospital stuff having had 2 children, miscarriage, etc, and that it's his turn.

Any opinions / advice to persuade him?!

OP posts:
brrrrmmmm · 27/04/2008 15:04

Is a female sterilisation done under GA? I or my husband will have to make this decision in a few months I think, so will have to weigh up who has the smaller risk / faster recovery.

moondog · 27/04/2008 15:21

For God's sake though, don't go telling the world about it afterwards if you get it done.I am flabbergasted by the sheer number of people who need to share info. about their dhs' vasectomies.

CilC · 27/04/2008 16:44

After this baby, it is the snip for hubby or no sex.
I have been responsible for contraception for close to 20 years and have had 2 C sections and several ob/gyn ops. If he did not I must admit I would feel incredibly resentful and the threat of no sex would definitely become a reality as I would be so miffed!!!

onepieceoflollipop · 27/04/2008 19:28

Moondog you are right. On the other hand dh has told various people (usually male friends who are reluctant to consider it, he tells them that in his experience it was fairly straightforward). Certainly would not inform the neighbours!

expatinscotland · 27/04/2008 19:31

There is no positive evidence that having a vasectomy increases a man's risk of developing prostate cancer.

That's a myth.

On the other hand, female sterilisation does increase a woman's risk of ectopic pregnancy.

You other option is to have no sex.

That would be mine if DH didn't get the snip.

I cannot tolerate progesten-based contraception as it exacerbates my depression, can't use combined hormonal contraception as have hypertension and won't use the copper coil as it is an abortificant.

Condoms have failed us.

So the snip it is.

On the other hand, he's all too willing to get it because he knows if I went in that he's going to have to take off work and look after 3 young children for a few days whilst I recover.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 27/04/2008 19:37

I never managed to talk dh into having it done even though we both were very decided not to have more kids. I eneded up having to be sterilised which I was very annoyed with.

However I got my revenge and made him wait on me hand and foot and look after dd, do all the cooking, etc for a whole week while I read books and watched TV.

PaninoPan · 27/04/2008 19:37

to be fair expat, it's more than a myth, though as I said it's shakey in theory and only some correlation shown, never mind causality.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 19:42

He IS prepared to take responsibility -

BUT you are possibly allergic to spermicide or latex - which is why condoms feel itchy inside

Why no try the hypo-allergnic brands?

Oblomov · 27/04/2008 19:47

Bellavita and shouldbeworking, I am similar. Dh has had all of his large intestine and all of lower intestine removed in 2 major surgeries. I don't want him to go through anymore.
I think I want to be sterilised. I could have it done when I have my 2nd c section, in November. That is what I am thinking at the moment.
I haven't made any enquiries about this, but thta is what I think is best.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2008 19:49

he is scared, he is reluctant, you cannot compel him.cant you respect his wishes, sorry but i don't think this is a i have done my bit so now it is your turn situation eg you go have surgery.

there are other options available to you both

pinkmook · 27/04/2008 19:50

My DH had a vasectomy (now reversed) it caused him nothing but pain for 6 years and had all kinds of effects that he never imagined. He kept quiet about it all because I had never wanted himt to have it done in the first place. So although I understand why you think its the ideal solution it can lead to way more problems than you may think

Spidermama · 27/04/2008 19:51

I'm with Beetroot on this one.

I'm often amazed at how lightly people treat this operation and how they take it as read it's a man's duty to go and have his manhood surgically disabled.

Spidermama · 27/04/2008 19:52

Wow pinkmook.

How is he now? Is it sorted?

expatinscotland · 27/04/2008 19:57

whereas, in women, it's known to increase her risk of ectopic pregnancy.

not to mention having to go under GA to have it done and have your abdomen bloated with gas.

it's far more invasive.

i'm not up for any more diddling down there after this.

but if he doesn't want it done, your choices are hypo allegenic condoms, which don't provide the same level of protection as sterilisation, or no sex.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2008 19:57

sorry to hear that pinkmook.any surgical invasive intervention carries risk and obviously it varies according to which procedure but nonetheless his reasons are valid

jasper · 27/04/2008 20:56

YABU if hew does not want it for what ever reason it is not up to you to make him have it by blackmailing him or otherwise.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2008 20:58

i don't see it as blackmail to say no sex.

i mean, if you really don't want to have any more children and you don't want to go through female sterilisation, then it's the only foolproof way to avoid pregnancy.

wordgirl · 27/04/2008 21:05

How on earth can it be construed as having his manhood surgically disabled? Do you mean his ability to father children? And if so, are women who have been sterilised having their womanhood removed?
As far as I'm concerned my DH is a real man for having it done.

jasper · 27/04/2008 21:17

ok so let's have op's dh refusing to have sex with her unless she has unwanted sterilisation.

Is that fair?

PaninoPan · 27/04/2008 21:33

no, it's nothing like comparable. And if the only thing inhibiting the act is squeamishness or removing his manhood, then he does need to be educated. Perhaps with a couple of half-bricks. (no, not a full one.)

expatinscotland · 27/04/2008 21:41

'ok so let's have op's dh refusing to have sex with her unless she has unwanted sterilisation.

Is that fair? '

If YOU are the party who really doesn't want to have kids anymore and are unwilling to get the sterilised, why is contraception your partner's responsibility all the time?

The OP said it was particularly her husband who no longer wants children.

Then he should get sterilised. Why put the onus on the other party?

Oblomov · 27/04/2008 22:09

Goodness, you guys are very harsh.
Onus on him.
Refusing sex.
God, can't anyone come to some sort of gentile compromise, through discussion.
Or have we gone way past all that nonsense ?

jasper · 27/04/2008 22:10

compromise.
discussion.
that's what i was thinking

Oblomov · 27/04/2008 22:11

Jasper, oh no f**k that, just bash him in the goolies and be done with it , eh ?

jasper · 27/04/2008 22:19

well that would solve the problem for once - no chance of him ever wanting to shag you again so no more babies!

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