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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel b***** annoyed that my husband won't get the snip

177 replies

bigTillyMint · 26/04/2008 14:26

I am in my mid-forties, we have 2 (mostly!) lovely Children and DH, in particular, does NOT want any more children. As my periods are becoming a bit irregular, I would like a foolproof method of contraception to avoid any future stress (late periods...)
His reason for not wanting to get the snip is that he couldn't face the whole hospital/operation experience. But I feel that I have been through quite a lot of hospital stuff having had 2 children, miscarriage, etc, and that it's his turn.

Any opinions / advice to persuade him?!

OP posts:
NotABanana · 26/04/2008 14:27

Tell him no sex until he is snipped as you can do without the stress of late periods and he doens't want anymore children anyway. He is being a wimp imo.

MummyDoIt · 26/04/2008 14:30

Do you mind condoms? If not, say it's fine to avoid the snip as long as he always uses a condom. Not just using them, but buying them too. Put the onus of birth control on to him. My guess would be that he will change his mind soon enough.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 26/04/2008 14:31

He doesn't have to have it done in hospital. He can go to a clinic and be in and out in an hour. Even on the NHS it is often done at specialist GP surgeries. He'll walk in.. and walk out again, albeit a bit stiffly.

As long he is careful with aftercare, (ice (frozen peas etc) on nuts every half hour - hour for first day or so) he'll be absolutely fine.

Piece of piss compared to giving birth.

Beetroot · 26/04/2008 14:33

I think it is up to him what he does with his body
there is an increased risk of prostate cancer with a vasectomy so I would never ask dh to have one unless he wanted to.

There are other less invasive contraceptive devices.

Hassled · 26/04/2008 14:34

MY DH had the snip at some special clinic place - it wasn't a hospital. Home within 2 hours, acted like a complete wuss for a few days (yes, I'm not the most sympathetic wife ), but it really is a straightforward and quick procedure, unlike a sterilisation.

He is being a bit of a selfish tosser, IMO. Arm yourself with as many facts as you can and have a long, long talk.

Original poster
bigTillyMint · 26/04/2008 14:35

I have a problem with condoms - apart from the smell, they make me feel itchy and uncomfortable inside.
THat's the problem - all the other forms of contraception involve me being responsible. I would go for a coil, but am worried about putting on weight.
CRH - I didn't know that... maybe that's a possibility, thanks!

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 26/04/2008 14:35

yes I'm with Beetroot

also I reserve my dh's right to shack up with some beautiful (but shallow) woman with big tits should I ever fall under a bus, and have a second family

though obviously it will never make him happy as his life will be meaningless without me

ChocolateRockingHorse · 26/04/2008 14:36

Beetroot, bigTilly could have said "it is up to me what I do with my body and therefore I choose not to have any children even though you want to be a dad...!"

Wouldn't that have been a bit selfish of her?

EruvandeAini · 26/04/2008 14:37

Yeah, feel annoyed, but if he doesn't want to do it, then that has to be that.

alicet · 26/04/2008 14:37

Understand you would like him to get the snip. And that it is a piece of piss compared to giving birth. But it is still a surgical procedure with associated complications so I think those who are implying he should just get on with it or have no sex are a bit out of order! Surely this is something for discussion like everything else in a relationship?

As another option have you thought about getting a Mirena coil fitted? A bit uncomfortable but in and out in 30 mins, it stays put for 5 years and no periods after the initial couple of months! And as effective as a vasectomy but reversible if necessary and no anaesthetic (local or general) required.

As a doc who has done a few vasectomies in my training I am not sure I would be too keen for my dh to have it. The incidence of scrotal pain afterwards is not insignificant and having it done under local is incredibly uncomfortable for most (although admittedly on a par with having a Mirena inserted)

Indith · 26/04/2008 14:38

Well, yes you gave birth etc but kinda knew you would have to do that when you decided to have children. I don't think you can expect him to have the snip if he doesn't want to. Besides, it isn't just the discomfort, there is a phsychological side too, manhood, ugg, fertile and all that.

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/04/2008 14:39

No snip, no sex?

Tell him he's being a big wuss. This is a serious thing and at your age another pregnancy would not be plain sailing so is not worth taking the risk. And why should you have to endure the difficulties of contraception?

ChocolateRockingHorse · 26/04/2008 14:39

My DH has had a vasectomy. I regarded it has his decision yes, but I didn't feel guilty for expecting him to make that decision by taking me, and our situation into account I would have been a little upset if he had said "no".

Flame · 26/04/2008 14:40

imo it is up to you to do what you want contraceptive-wise. If he permanently wants no more children, then snip it is. If you don't want any more children ever, then you get done.

If neither of you want an op then you will have to use non-op methods.

I don't think anyone should be forced into an op.

EruvandeAini · 26/04/2008 14:43

I always fell a bit about sex being used as leverage in situations like this. I get the logic, but it just seems so manipulative and bullying.

'Have a painful medical procedure with attendant risks, or you won't have a sexual relationship with me' just seems a bit off, to say the least. I don't think it would be countenanced if it was the man asking the woman to be sterilized.

bellavita · 26/04/2008 14:49

My DH will not have the snip either - although I can fully understand his reasons why - he has been in and out of hospital for 20 years and has had two major and 1 minorish ops. He thinks having the snip is not a necessary procedure. That is fine by me.

I am waiting to be sterilised - but he is not really happy about me doing this, not because he or I want more children but again, thinks it is an unnecessary hospital visit.

I do have a mirena coil and have had it for 4 years, but the mood swings are getting me down.

Original poster
bigTillyMint · 26/04/2008 14:51

I don't think I would want to withold sex if he still refuses , but I do feel that if I did get pregnant and he really didn't want it, then I would have to be the one who had an abortion or face an uncertain future together.
I'm not sure that he's considered it properly / knows all the facts, so we do need to have a proper talk (he likes to bury his head in the sand!)

OP posts:
Unfitmother · 26/04/2008 14:51

YANBU, I'd be annoyed too.

barnstaple · 26/04/2008 14:54

I was a bit annoyed with my dh when he got wussy about the snip, but neither of us wanted any more. I went ahead and had my tubes tied instead. He had the snip 6m later (from shame I think!).

Beetroot · 26/04/2008 15:03

CRH yes she could and of course sher shouldhave said that if she did not also want children

3littlefrogs · 26/04/2008 15:10

My dh wouldn't consider it either - but I had a mirena coil and it was brilliant. He was worried about the irreversibility of it and I guess I can understand that. If anything ever happened to me, I would have wanted him to meet someone else and maybe have the chance of more children. However, we are both old and past it now .

muggglewump · 26/04/2008 15:13

YABU I think. If he really doesn't want an op he shouldn't be pushed/persuaded to have one.
I really don't like the thought of anyone being pushed into anything regarding their own body.
Get a mirena, you won't neccesarily put on weight and that can be controlled anyway, if you hate it then try something else until you find what suits you

FrannyandZooey · 26/04/2008 15:18

agree with Beetroot

shouldbeworking · 26/04/2008 15:22

My situation is similar to bellavita. My dp has had quite extensive surgery for a major bowel condition and was very reluctant to have yet another surgical procedure even if it was relatively minor. We had been discussing vasectomy before this and he was considering it as we were running out of contraceptive options. I felt it would have been completely inappropriate to pressurise him in anyway after the health problems he has had.
We can't use condoms or diaphragm because like op they cause irritation and discomfort. I am very reluctant to try any hormonal methods because of the migraines I suffer from. I was put under great pressure from both gp and family planning clinic to have a mirena (what is it with the medical profession and the mirena coil? ....are they on a piece rate or something) I did extensive research and because the possibility it could aggrevate my migraines I told them I would only try it if they would remove it if I wasn't happy with it. They agreed but only if I tried it for at least 12 months. As the prospect of having to put up with my already horrendous headaches being worse for 12 months was not an option I declined. I asked to be sterilised but even at 45 with 3 dcs they were reluctant to refer me. Instead they persuaded me to try a copper coil which I stuck with for 12 months but it had a very detrimental effect on my periods.
I have now been sterilised over a year after I first asked for a refferal. My dp was not keen as he is very anti hospitals and didn't want me to have what he considered an unnecessary operation. However it was really the only option other than abstinance!!!
I really don't think you can pressurise someone to have a procedure that they don't want. But I have resented the fact that the responsibility for contraception has always been mine. That said being sterilised for me was the right choice. The op was straight forward and I was completely back to my usual self within a week.

mears · 26/04/2008 15:26

Don't force him - it could ruin your relationship.

I had sterilisation myself and it was totally fine. Positive about that is you are sterile straight away - you don't need to use contraception for months until the sperm clears. Worth considering if you are certain your family is complete.