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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel b***** annoyed that my husband won't get the snip

177 replies

bigTillyMint · 26/04/2008 14:26

I am in my mid-forties, we have 2 (mostly!) lovely Children and DH, in particular, does NOT want any more children. As my periods are becoming a bit irregular, I would like a foolproof method of contraception to avoid any future stress (late periods...)
His reason for not wanting to get the snip is that he couldn't face the whole hospital/operation experience. But I feel that I have been through quite a lot of hospital stuff having had 2 children, miscarriage, etc, and that it's his turn.

Any opinions / advice to persuade him?!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/04/2008 22:22

'but I do feel that if I did get pregnant and he really didn't want it, then I would have to be the one who had an abortion or face an uncertain future together.'

if he feels that strongly about having another child, then HE should be the one to get himself sterilised.

i don't see where 'no snip, no sex' is any less 'fair' than, i didn't want any more kids, you fell pregnant through contraceptive failure, now have an abortion or we may split up.

'A bit uncomfortable but in and out in 30 mins, it stays put for 5 years and no periods after the initial couple of months! And as effective as a vasectomy but reversible if necessary and no anaesthetic (local or general) required. '

it's untrue that 100% of women who get one of those Mirenas inserted - and I'm staring to believe that healthcare practitioners are paid on commission for the number of those they put into people the way they hard sell them here - will have no periods after a few months or ever whilst using the coil.

there are quite a few threads here from women who have numerous and serious side effects from Mirena, and if you have a history of depression, or PND or AND in particular, i would steer clear of them entirely.

ditto migraines.

Original poster
bigTillyMint · 28/04/2008 08:00

Thanks to everyone for the advice and testimonials, etc....

I tried to have a chat with him about options again last night. I do NOT intend to withold sex if he won't get the snip, but I would like him to help decide what is the best course of action for both of us. Unfortunately, he doesn't really want to engage with it
I guess I will be taking a trip to the Family Planning to discuss options with a woman!!!!

By the way, where do you get hypo-allergenic condoms from?

OP posts:
CilC · 28/04/2008 08:29

I am with Oblomov!

LazyLinePainterJane · 28/04/2008 08:53

I think that an ideal situation would be to come to an agreement through talking rather than negotiation tactics.

However, I think it is very sad that it is still the case that contraceptive choice and responsibility still seems to be down to the woman most of the time.

You and your partner both need to be prepared for the fact that if you have sex, you might get pregnant. It's one thing to say that he doesn't want any more children and bury your head in the sand but nothing is 100%, as many on these boards will testify. You either choose the most effective route of accept the risks associated with the less effective ones.

shouldbeworking · 28/04/2008 08:54

Expatinscotland I agree with you about the mirena. I came very close to asking gp what it was with the medical profession and the mirena. I am convinced they are on some sort of bonus for each one they fit!! ( I did get very cross with the fp doctor who was very dismissive of my concerns about side effects)
I eventually went to a private hospital to be sterilised (due to long NHS waiting lists and not because I'm rich!!!!)and the consultant there was the only one who didn't put any pressure on me to try one. I did plenty of research and decided against it because of my migraines but he was the only one who just accepted my decision without argument.A cynic might think it's because he was getting paid plenty by the nhs to do my surgery!!!!

shouldbeworking · 28/04/2008 09:03

I am sure there are a good many women who have happily used a mirena with no problems BUT there are a significant percentage who have real problems with it and I don't think it is the contraceptive answer for everyone that the nhs push it as. The post you quoted expat (from a doctor iirc) is typical of the answers I got.
I know 4 people who have one. One had it removed under ga because it made her migraines so severe they thought she had had a stroke. One had it removed because it gave her high blood pressure and became embedded in her cervix. The other two are reasonably ok with it but thats only 50% from my experience.

Original poster
bigTillyMint · 28/04/2008 10:21

OK, so what do you think about going on the pill?!

I have very bad PMT and heavy periods with bad pain. I would love it if I could sort this out a bit, but am worried about the possible side effects - getting spotty(er!, putting on weight, headaches, etc

Anyone got any advice / experiences to help me?

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 28/04/2008 10:52

My dh had the snip for my Christmas present one year as I'd come off the pill and we were using
condoms. It took about 45 minutes under a local and after a week of wincing every time the cat looked like it was going to sit on his lap, he was fine. The Navy organised it near his place of work in Berkshire, rather than in Plymouth, so he had to sit in the car for 4 hours to get home afterwards.

Your dh is being a complete wuss, and YANBU, he is!

mumblechum · 28/04/2008 10:59

YOu asked about the pill. I've been on the pill all my adult life apart from when trying for the kids and have had no side effects whatsoever. No weight gain, spots, moodiness (have never had PMT!).

However I'm aware I should prob. come off it one of these days (am 45) & will prob. have a coil fitted soon.

Original poster
bigTillyMint · 28/04/2008 12:36

Ooh Mumblechum, which one are you on?
Why would you want to switch to a coil? Worried about being on the pill long-term?
Which coil do you think you will switch to?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 28/04/2008 13:33

On Trinovum at the moment, but have been on one called (Ithink) Feminette or something like that.

I've been on the pill for almost 30 years now, fell pregnant both times immediately after coming off so not much time off it at all. I suppose I want to just not bother about contraception at all but we do seem to be uber-fertile and even though I'm 45 with only one ovary (had an ectopic a while ago), don't want to take the risk of not using anything.

Haven't investigated coils yet.

CilC · 28/04/2008 13:56

The thing about contraception it is such a personal thing and everyone of us is effected by different types in different ways. So utterly relieved I do not have to think about it again...you can not undersetimate that freedom!

Tortington · 28/04/2008 14:01

i think here is an increased ris of anything with everything these days.

quite right - it's his body and therefre his decision.

but whilst within the confines of his family relationship such decisions are seldom made alone withot input from the other partner - i thought that was a given.

in that context therefore, if he doesn't want any more children and she doesn't wasn't any more children. within their family this might be the best opton - yet he won't take it.

if that is the question and thoe are the circumstances - then he is being a twat

Tortington · 28/04/2008 14:03

i am glad my dh can't have any more children with shallow women - therefore splitting our finances between is existing children and the new offspring.

i want ym chldren and my children only to benefit from what we have acrued.

paddycat · 28/04/2008 14:25

I had a mirena for a year, put in under local anaesthetic - it was easy peasy and did what it promised to do (had suffered v heavy periods and had none at all after the first month or so). BUT it turned me into an evil witch from hell in a permanent bad mood, tearful, and generally not a happy experience. Within weeks of having it out I was back to my old self.

My dh won't have a vasectomy - one of his friends had balls the size of spacehoppers for a week or so afterwards - so I don't know what we'll do after baby no.4 due Sept ...

expatinscotland · 28/04/2008 15:36

FINALLY!

this form of female sterilisation, which is already being used for some time in other countries and was formerly only available privatley in the UK, has come to the NHS!

ensure

hopefully it will catch on, as it's far more effective than traditional female sterilisation, much cheaper and less painful or disruptive!

let's hope it gives some people more options.

CilC · 28/04/2008 15:37

Actually good point custardo - if anything were to happen between DH and I and we went our separate ways would be glad he could no longer have more children (only because it would be his fault if we left of course, same goes for if he had an affair. Though to be fair to him I do not think he ever would -but still a good point and another reason to invest in his vasectomy!!!!
Sorry am feeling hormonal today and realise how mean that sounds but DH did p*@# me off this morning so just the thought of a little revenge has helped me enormously....

booge · 28/04/2008 15:47

Agree with Beetroot and everyone who has already agreed with her.

paddycat · 28/04/2008 16:45

expatinscotland, sounds fab - I had the mirena put in at the same time as a hysteroscopy and it was completely painless - would be good if it could make its way to England on the NHS.

meandyoutonight · 30/04/2010 21:45

Having a vasectomy was the WORST mistake of my life. I have suffered every day since and have gone on this site to warn anyone that this procedure can go very wrong and often does.Sex has been ruined and we had such fantastic sex before using condoms.I often wonder why I had this awfull opperation.The tiny inconveniance of using a condom and spermicide is nothing to the trauma of medical interferance.By the way we relied on condom/spermicide for twenty years with no hitches and all our children perfectly planned.Vasectomies also increase the cancer risks.

Morloth · 30/04/2010 21:50

I think if you know that you definitely don't want anymore children you should have yourself sterilised. Can't control anyone else's body just make sure that you don't have to worry about contraception anymore.

alicet · 30/04/2010 21:52

Not read whole thread.

Have to say the whole 'I have done enough of the hospital thing having my children' line doesn't wash with me tbh. You are expecting him to have an operation when he doesn't want to. To be honest I don't think it matters why he doesn't want to - I don't think you should ever force someone to have a surgical procedure when they don't want one.

Imagine the reverse on dadsnet - 'Dw doesn't want anymore children. I have been in and out of hospital a couple of times in the past few years for a medical problem so feel my time in hospital is done and I think she should be sterilised. She doesn't want to - how can I force her?'

Especially mad when you could get a Mirena coil put in which is as effective as the snip.

He doesn't want it - end of

MrsC2010 · 30/04/2010 21:53

I think it is difficult. You're not prepared to have the coil fitted cause you're worried about weight gain but you want him to undergo a (minor) irreversible op? Sounds a little unreasonable. But then I don't know your situation so I could be wrong!

alicet · 30/04/2010 21:57

note to self - read thread next time then you might spot that this is 2 years old and you posted an very identical post then!

alicet · 30/04/2010 21:58

or even an very identical post!

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