AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Strange isn't it. Eerily similar to another recent thread.

Think you need to let this one go, my mil sends cheques to my dh. I don't really care what he does with it but he always buys something we need for the house or treats us both, as I would him if my parents sent a cheque.
Your son sounds lovely and like he appreciates the effort his wife makes being a good mum - you raised a thoughtful man that you should be proud of

Don’t make a big deal of this, @BySassyUmberPeer . Text “You’re welcome!” back to your DIL and leave it.

In future, if you just want to treat your DS, tell them that you’d like to treat him and ask him what he’d like. He might say a boys’ trip again and you could pay for his share.

Of course it’s ok to have a special relationship with him. I’m sure he gratefully received your gift and the fact that he used some on his partner doesn’t affect your relationship with your son.

I struggle to see how the you think your special relationship is marred because his wife benefitted from a gift you gave him.

why don’t you arrange some quality time together? It would be a lot more direct than a cash gift that you’ve given him freedom to spend ‘how he wants’ but you clearly think there are conditions to that freedom.

I’m just wondering if OP would be getting more YANBUs if she had a daughter who she gave £600 to and she spent a chunk of it on her husband. 😬

There is no way to tell him he should have spent the money on himself for being such a hard working good lad without pissing off the DIL who, presumably, works just as hard.

Is £300 worth ruining the lovely relationship you have?

OP you sound controlling and manipulative. If you can’t give a gift without setting unreasonable conditions on it, best not to give it at all. You can’t seem to understand that your son has clearly chosen to share with his wife and that is his choice

Unless you gave it to him specifically for his birthday or Xmas then you are being unreasonable! I give my son and DIL the same amount for these, but I think it is possibly the only time to differentiate.. My husband and I share everything always - one of us may use all of it, or share as required, but we're a team!

But perhaps a treat for him is spending time with his wife and treating her.

Wow.
Congrats on torpedoing your relationship with your son and his family.
You gave it to him to spend on what he wanted. Did it not occur to you that maybe he wanted to use it to do something nice with his wife. Because he loves her and wanted to have a nice time with her and that was the thing that would give him the most joy from it?

Yup

It’s a gift so he can spend it how he wants. Giving gifts with strings attached is controlling.

You absolutely shouldn’t say anything further. You already sound a bit crackers.

Agree.

It's hard to believe, isn't it? It reads like a Quora story from about 20 years ago when cheque books roamed the earth.

Is this a serious post? If my mum gave me money that wasn't a birthday present and said "this is only for you, do not share it with DH" I'd think she was being extremely weird.

Yes exactly thank you!! This is what I want to say to him in private. It just feels a little uneven to me. Trust me I know bc i have gone to plenty of spa days myself and they can be quite pricey depending on the package you get so I feel like a gift meant just for my son is now leaning a lot more heavily into the direction of my DIL. Where as a few beers is a lot cheaper and a lot less of a special thing for a man than a spa day for a woman.

One of my friends pointed out to me , “well they are both working hard so I should have acknowledged that both as a couple” and maybe this text is my DIL’s way of saying, “hello I am the parent too and I’m working just as hard not just your son.” Which I understand completely that my DIL is working hard but again I feel like women are always told to take time for themselves and men aren’t as much and plus my son is my child sometimes I want to acknowledge that I’m proud of him and to show I am seeing how hard he works. That doesn’t mean I am undermining or not appreciating my DIL’s hardwork as well. Just that I am treating my own son.

You can’t say anything now OP, it will definitely turn into a thing.

It was generous of you and kind of you DS to share but I do think you made a good point that it may seem different if a mum
had given her DD the money and her DH spent a chunk of it on a night out or whatever.

YABVU - I can't believe you told him it was supposed to be only for him! Also, I don't believe for a second that you said, "Hey honey. I'm so proud of the man you've become." Nobody in real life talks like that!

So he is spending the money on something that he wants…lovely quality time with his wife ! You have raised a lovely considerate son .

Surely you text her 'Sounds lovely have an amazing time'...

Why don't your ds thank you though? Does he regard that as wife-work...?

But that's not what happened. So what's the point of playing that game?

These threads make me feel so relieved and lucky that my MIL is normal and nice

I wouldn’t want any gift with strings attached.

I would hand it back and it would definitely affect my relationship with you.

It happens.

I sent my husband's DIL a gift of wine when she'd been dealing with lot: DH's son had health issues at the time, as did the DIL's brother and SIL. (I was my husband's carer, and had been my parents' carer, so knew what it was like to be run ragged while working.)

The gift was clearly sent to the SIL, but the thank you email came from my husband's son - which I thought a bit odd. (Yes, I know - a household clearly shares wine.)

If you say anything to your son it will sour your relationship … not really worth it for a few hundred quid.

Gifts do not come with strings attached ….