AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

FfsBrian

Something to consider....

"I absolutely adore your wife and I love how she adores you but I want this one thing to be just a special gift from mother to son.”

I was being sarcastic with that advice to be honest. But I do think it's fair for a parent sometimes to get a different level of gift for their own child, OP's unreasonableness is the dictating exactly how it's used.
My parents adore my longterm DP and any cash gift they'd probably address to me but would assume I'd spend it on something for us both, but for physical gifts they tend to give me more than they give DP. Meanwhile my MIL is openly pass agg in her gifts to us.

If that was the reply you got from your son then I would honestly pay yourself on the back for a job well done. If you have been on here for 5 minutes you will do just want a large percentage of men do not appreciate the contribution of their wives to the family.(And think this is often why a gift from mother to daughter will often be seen different as she is quite likely not being appreciated by her partner)

It's fine to want to just treat your son, but a good man would do exactly what he did. So well done on raising a good one. 👏🏻👏🏻

Lovely gesture, but you are naive.
When in a family situation you put all above 'self'.
Sure, this shouldn't mean you don't look after yourself as an individual - but you make decisions differently.

Case in point - PIL's are gifting us cash at Xmas very generously this year. My husband wants to split it equally between the 5 of us. I am saying no, because he and I desperately need to upgrade certain things, and there is nothing at all our kids are lacking beyond the regular cost/treat of their Grandparents usual Christmas gifts.
BTW- my young adult kids ate utter spendthrift and are driving me mad with their attitudes to money.

It's not always black & white.
My Dad gave me £500 for my 40th years ago to 'spend on myself' - I used it to pay bills because I was in dire straits. I never told him that of course.

It’s depends on a lot of things.

If the OP wanted to treat her son she probably should have asked him what he’d like and bought that. My mum buys me treats at times, it’s meant as a treat for me it’s not a dig at my husband.

I don’t think the OP was wrong at all to want to spoil her son a little.

I think perhaps the DIL was a little presumptuous with the spa day, but not if the husband said mum gave us money to treat ourselves. Then fair enough.

But if he said mum gave me money to treat myself than personally I wouldn’t have spent it on a spa day. Bills yes if needed or ape thing for the kids if that’s what he wanted or a family treat but not something luxury just for me.

I think once it happened the OP should have left it drop, now it’s awkward.

You are either a troll or the most clueless and thick headed MIL ever.

I'm sure it's been said but no money that comes into our house is individual. It can't be, we don't earn enough.
Dh always puts any family money into our various pots eg top up our Christmas allowance or the kids school meal money.
I do the same. He will often give me a little and same, I give him some also. But it all goes into our various pots which benefits us all.
I absolutely adored my dad but I can't imagine how I would feel if he speficically gave me money just for me?

I would think " no thanks if you hand over money you loose the right to" dictate " what it's spent on.

If you don't want to loose that right them don't give.

It's also extremely patronising to assume your son doesn't know what to spend the money on like she's dictated she's had an expensive spa day and he's only got a night out with friends.

It's essential a sweat gesture op and I do understand it but it's patronising and divisive to try and dictate how it's spent unless they are very well off.

I've read op s update and I think her son is wonderful and she should be very proud of him.

So you think she’s somehow wheedled / demanded half of it rather than him having offered.

Either there’s some back story here or you just dislike her and are clutching to straws to justify it and paint her in a bad light.

I can’t imagine being in a situation where my mum gives me £600 and very clearly stipulates “this is ONLY for you, do not share it.” And if she did, I wouldn’t even know what to spend it on that wouldn’t include my partner too. Yes, I could just splurge £600 on clothes, candles and make up (but as a no7 and New Look kind of gal, that would mean a LOT of new stuff) and I feel like I’d be buying it for the sake of it.
We are currently saving for a house so realistically it would go straight in the savings pot. Which is OUR saving pot, so obviously partner would need it too. But if for whatever reason I decided not to save it, what Id really want to spend it on would be a little trip away for me and my bf. We’re on a holiday ban for 2025 so we can save all our £££ for our house, but if we could freely spend this £600, my first choice would be a couple of nights away with him.
And I know he would do the same if it was the other way around, spend it on something for the both of us to enjoy together!

Maybe he's said 'mums given me $600, well split it' if you wanted it just for him you should have said that when giving it to him, even then, once you give someone something it is there's to do what they want with it and HE wanted to split it, you can't blame his wife

Based on your son’s response you have raised a lovely son who knows how to treat his family right - something that seems so rare. You should be proud of him for that, not annoyed he didn’t spend the money how you wanted.

once you give a gift you have no control over what happens to it. If you want to give something specifically for him, ask him what physical item he wants and then buy it. Otherwise you have zero say and rightly so.

I do think it’s weird you want to treat your adult son for “hard work” and ignore that he couldn’t do that without his wife at home looking after the kids and picking up the slack.

Any money that comes into our house is for us all/both. Yes our parents may give us money for us to do something nice together then money to spend on holidays for all of us. But never ever should you be treating your son like he his single. When you are married everyone is joint. And honestly kudos to your son for sharing with his wife and knowing better than to spend it all on himself

If I got a large sum of money as a gift I would 100% without a doubt share it with my partner in some way. Money is tight now we have young kids and we don’t have any disposable income really, so it would feel mean spirited if I spent loads on myself without dh getting a treat too.

A gift is a gift, and the person receiving the gift can do what they wish with it.

You gave the money he spent it how he wanted to. Next time ask him directly ‘I want to treat you as I am proud and see how hard you work.. what would you like.. Voucher.. experience day.. X?’ then move on and be happy he is happy!

Next time be more clear - I’m giving this gift on the explicit condition you do not spend it on anyone else, especially your wife. I will monitor how you use this gift.
Can you see how petty that sounds when you say your internal expectations out loud?

It would be unthinkable that my husband and I wouldn't share a cash gift like that. We'd be so pleased, and we'd also each be really happy that we could both share it. Especially 6 months after having had a baby! Being able to share it with each other would be part of the joy of it. If either of our parents had told us not to share it with the other, it would make me think much, much less of that parent. But luckily we have parents who happily treat both of us, my mother-in-law treats me just as she would her own daughter, and our relationship is amazing for it, she'd never give my husband a gift like that and expect him to keep it all to himself, she bought him up better than that 😂

As the gift was just intended for him, i wonder if he allocated some shelves in the fridge and cupboard and loaded with all his favourite food and drink. Then if anyone asked he could just say “no, sorry this is just for me”.

Or they could all go shopping and he gets a new wardrobe and no one else can buy anything.

Or he goes on a day trip on his own.

Or has a blowout table for one at a michelin star restaurant.

Practically what was he expected to do with it?