AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Boy Mums…

Completely unreasonable - they likely share all money anyway so would be weird for one to suddenly have a large amount to themselves and the whole point of a gift is for the recipient to do what they want with it and your DS wants to try his wife that I assume facilitates him being able to ‘work hard’

Yabu

Don’t know what happened there I wasn’t replying to jolly pink
just posting on thread

You are being mega mega unreasonable. Your son has obviously decided he will be happier if they both get to relax, why would you even question this, why give a gift of money if you are insistent on how it's used. You sound like the nightmare MIL we all hope to avoid.

Is your issue that he's used some of it on something just for your DIL? Would you feel differently if he had spent it on a meal and a night in a hotel for the 2 of them or a few nights away? If my mum gave me £600 to do what I wanted with I would be spending it on a night with my partner away without the kids.

I don’t know - Dil has a spa day and DS is having drinks with the boys. It’s not very special for him is it, he could do that any weekend.

I think I would gently say to him in private ‘ son I gave you that money to treat yourself.’

And now next time don’t give cash - buy him the gift

The idea of giving treat money just to your son is petty and weird to start with but the fact that his instinct was to share it with his wife means you've raised a man who is more decent than you are! Get over yourself and don't be so petty.

It was a lovely gesture, but you reaction to him sharing it is giving the impression you never fully cut the umbilical cord.

he's a grown man, with his own family and responsibilities now, it's amazing that he shared the money with his wife. She works really hard too I imagine but because she's not your baby that irrelevant.

can't you just put your jealousy aside and just say you're welcome?

He is treating himself? To a night out with his friends!

Yes I told him it was we just for him, I said, “hey honey I am so proud of the man you have become and the amazing father I have seen you turn into and I absolutely adore your wife and I love how she adores you but I want this one thing to be just a special gift from mother to son.”

What do I text back to my DIL now?

also I can’t help but feel if this was a mother giving a cheque to just her married daughter some of the responses would be different and saying it’s a gift mother to daughter of course you can just give her a special individual gift once in a while to celebrate her motherhood. Why can’t a mother do the same for her son and celebrate his fatherhood? I just can’t help but feel it’s ok for a mother to continue to have an individual relationship with her married daughter but with a mother and married son everything is expected to be given to the unit otherwise she is a bad MIL and being rude and exclusive to her DIL?

Its a lovely gesture but you cannot dictate how he spends a gift that you have given him.

I think it’s lovely he wants to treat his wife.

Not sure how it affects you at all that she gets a share of the gift?

Why does he need a special gift from his Mum because he was working hard, anyway?

@SilverChampagne It’s just a parental urge to spoil your offspring, I get it too, and of course, my teenagers love it! 🤣

DD (19), for example, is having a facial and her hair done when she’s next back from uni, it gives me pleasure to spoil her.

I agree with PP’s though. Once you give the gift, it’s up to your child how it’s used.

It didn't say drinks with the guys, it say towards a boys night which suggests a night away. Besides it's up to him what he wants to spend it on

Sounds like he’s just going to waste his half on a piss up anyway, nice that his wife gets a break too given she is presumably also working hard.

So you've already told him it's just for him? So what's this thread about? You've told him, he's made his choice!

You definitely can't say anything, it will ruin your generous gift, drive a wedge between you and your son, and leave a nasty taste on the whole thing. When you give a gift, it has to be free of obligation.

You yourself said
my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC
sounds like she's just as deserving of a reward as is your hard working son!

Graciously say you're glad they are going to enjoy themselves. Next time if you want to do something for your son, buy something just for him.

Also, if your DS had used it just on activities for himself... DIL would have been the 9ne left holding the baby. Your gift would have caused her work.

This way... they ate both getting a break plus time with the children. Win Win!

Honestly, just leave it. You have a great relationship with your DIL and she sounds very appreciative so I’d just take this as your son wanted to share it with her.
Please don’t rock any boats over this.

Your son has been working hard and so has your daughter in law. Presumably looking after 2 small children on her own while your son is working! Maybe he wanted to share the money with his wife so they could both have a treat? Did you make it clear to him when you gave him the money that you wanted him to spend it all on himself?

To scale it down, it’s like you bought your son a box of chocolates and get cross when he passes the box round.

You gave him the money, he wants to share it - that’s his decision. He sounds like a lovely husband and you should feel proud of that!

What have I just read 🤭

You text back "I'm so pleased X has shared the gift with you and I hope you both enjoy the plans".

If either of us was given £600, we would share it. We're married. It's what we do.

It's your son's choice to make his wife happy as well as himself. That's very healthy and normal and it's not your place to interfere. Once you give something as a gift, it isn't yours any more and you don't get to decide what they do with it.