AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

To be fair, she is American so perhaps she does talk like that. Not everyone is as gruff as us Brits 😂

Your son could have chosen to keep it for himself and he didn’t. You gave him the money, why are you complaining about how he spends it - you also in a super OTT way made it clear it was just for him and he still chose to spend it this way. So for gods sake - accept his choice and the credit he gave you with your DIL graciously eg “glad you guys are enjoying it”. Super weird reaction from you to a very thoughtful behaviour by your son.

Your son is married and sounds like a good husband, what’s his is his wives. My DH got £50 off his DF for his birthday, he handed it straight to me to use for the family. We have always shared money. He would never dream on spending money on him self unless he had checked we could afford it, I’m exactly the same, all money goes in the family pot and we only spend on ourselves when we have checked with each other we can afford it.

Your son did what he wanted with the money. He wanted to share it with his wife.

I voted YABU because you jumped to your DIL being grabby.

Yabu. You gave your son a gift , it's up to him what he does with it , end of discussion. You can't start putting conditions on gifts , that's ridiculous. Thank your dil for her gratitude and leave it at that

Really?

Coming on here and saying you gave someone a gift but they didn't spend it how you wanted them to spend it so you had to tell them off about it and make it clear it was given with strings and posting that in AIBU?

You are going to sit there with a straight face and claim that wouldn't kick off worse than the time someone confessed to eating 48 creme eggs in a day?

You'd be able to see the steam coming out of people's heads from the ISS

You did nothing wrong by wanting to give your son something special just for him, but clearly you raised a good man who would feel like a twat spending $600 on treating himself while the women who was raising his children with him got nothing. Maybe he enjoyed being able to do a nice thing for his wife, and your gift benefited him that way.

Let it go and send your DIL a kind reply, then next time buy your son the expensive car thing/item of clothing/gadget directly. Get him to send you a link.

You gave him the money. He gets to do anything he likes with it....share it with his wife, give it to a complete stranger, set fire to it etc.

I think what you’ve done is lovely and the way you speak about your DIL is refreshing too.
What you have also done, is raised a lovely son who clearly considers spending time with his wife as a treat. Unless your DIL whipped the cheque out of his hand and completely took over then it sounds like he has done exactly as you wanted.
Sometimes I have to really push my husband to take some leisure time and I have to make some suggestions so maybe that’s what happened instead?
Or maybe it was a miscommunication and he just assumed you meant for both of them.
Give them the benefit of the doubt if so were you.

My thoughts exactly! I feel like if a mother approached her daughter wanting to give her a cheque just for herself to treat and said, “wow you are such an amazing mother and I want to acknowledge all your hard work in motherhood” people would be saying, “well maybe your daughter wanted to spend it on her husband. They are a unit you shouldn’t just acknowledge your daughter as the mother without acknowledging your SIL as the father. They both work equally hard” it would be seen just for what it is a special gift mother to daughter.

what should I text my DIL back?

also in what ways do you see the double standard as well?

If dh's mum gave him a chunk of cash, hell would freeze over before he'd go and spend it all on treats for himself. He'd share it, as would I.

If his mum insisted he spent it only on himself then I can imagine he'd feel extremely uncomfortable, would hand it back and probably keep her at arms length for a bit. Because it's weird.

She thanked me but she thanked me for a gift that wasn’t meant for her. And she got the chunk of it because I know for a fact spa days aren’t cheap. But my son the person who the gift was meant for gets a couple beers out of it while my DIL gets the majority?

Also I can’t help but feel she thanked me as a, “hey your son used the money towards me as well and don’t forget me” kind of way

I don't think there's anything wrong with just wanting to treat your son. What I find weird is that you claim DIL is lovely and you don't have a problem with her yet you've jumped straight to the assumption that she has somehow forced him to share his cheque and didn't want him to have something for himself. Why would you assume that?
Surely if he is also as lovely as you say he is, it's much more likely that he felt happier sharing.

You reply saying she is very welcome and hope that she has a lovely spa day.

Why would you send anything else? If you make an issue of this you may not continue to have the lovely relationship with your DIL and grandchild that you do now. If it comes down to it, your son will choose his wife over you.

Be very careful how you handle this OP.

Just text “You’re welcome” and be done with it.

@SometimesCalmPerson has a good idea that next time, perhaps you
can ask your DS to send you a link to something he’d like and you buy it for him.

If my mum tried to give me 600 quid ‘just for me’ (not that she would because she’s normal) I would tell her straight up, thank you so much for the gift, but I can’t keep such a huge donation to myself as that’s not how me and my partner work with money - we will either use it to do something nice together or we’ll split it to use as we like. Noting that your precious son hasn’t bothered messaging you to thank you but your thieving DIL has…classic boy mum syndrome going on

You gave him the money. He did what he wanted with it. You should have told him it was just for him, why didn’t you? I don’t think you like your DiL as much as you say you do either.

They're clearly a team. You should be pleased with that. Your DIL is not having a dog or making a point. Your DS has clearly decided they'll use the money as a family. Just say you hope they both enjoy their treats and unclench.

My MIL used to do this, and I've honestly never understood why. I always got on well with her, but it very much used to make me (and DH) feel like she didn't accept me and that she saw herself and FIL and their kids as the primary family unit, rather than me and DH now being a family. It wasn't just one event of course, but things like this can influence dynamics.

It's different now as her attitude has changed, and DH spoke up a few times, but it made it harder to develop a good relationship with her at the time.

You can't talk to him, what on earth is he going to do? Can you imagine 'Sorry sweetheart my mum says you're not allowed to do something nice, so best cancel your plans' you would never be forgiven!

My parents give us money every year for Christmas and birthday gifts. Every year it goes into the holiday savings pot. They are happy it's being used for something nice and it helps us out. I'm not going to use it on a holiday just for me, that's not the way to a happy marriage.

Maybe I’ll do this but what if my DIL expects me to buy her something as well since we have a close relationship? Can I treat one without treating the other when they are married? I would think I could still treat my son individually from time to time but my son and DIL (or just my DIL) may feel hurt and differently.

so maybe the best approach is to ask each of them what they want and give them each an individual gift? That may cause the least amount of drama.

Trying to think how I would have reacted had my XH been given money that was 'just for him' for being a big brave boy and going out to work while I'd been at home going through hell with the kids, and he'd spent it entirely on himself...and cannot come up with any situation in which I would not have been utterly incandescent.

Just accept that you have a decent son, OP, and if you MUST give him something 'just for him', take him out shopping one day. But make sure you also take your DIL out shopping for 'something just for her' too, she's not sitting with her feet up eating grapes with two very small children.

My husband and I have been given money like this and always, always split it.

What kind of man would he be if he spent 600 on himself when (as DIL said in her message) they are both exhausted.

A man that would do that wouldn't be a son I would be proud of.

And you say that she is sweet and then assume the worst of her. This is a You problem and actually quite nasty.

Your son sounds lovely and like they have a kind and equal relationship.

Edit to say my mum has given me a lot of money in pieces over the years, so I am speaking as a wife sharing with her husband. My mum always just assumes I will share it, even if it is given solely to me. Because that is the way I do marriage and she loves him like a son. It isn't fair to say if it was a mum giving to her daughter the responses would be different.