AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

This!

There is no way If my mil gave DH £600 he'd spend it just on himself.
He just wouldn't feel right.
We'd do something together though.
I have all on making him spend the birthday money he gets on himself!
I'd be the same- we'd spend it going away for the night/weekend or something.

OP you are assuming the spa day is a lot more than the lads night out, I know when my DH has a night out it costs a lot more than my spa days. I only get the watered down version of oh I spent about £100 but I know it’s way more than that.

I would be very disappointed if I gave a cheque to any of my sons and they did not share it with their partner. I also think you sound a bit MY son and are in danger of letting this mar your relationship with your DiL. You say you are proud of the man he has become. You should be proud of yourself too for raising such a good man. Kind and unselfish.

I feel like if a mother approached her daughter wanting to give her a cheque just for herself to treat and said, “wow you are such an amazing mother and I want to acknowledge all your hard work in motherhood”

If my mother did this I'd think she'd been to too many of her weird weekend retreats with Guru Waylon.

You're being rediculous

If I were you I'd be very proud of my son that instead of keeping it all he chose to treat his wife as well

I voted YABU but this is an excellent point and so I think actually YANBU.

However, I absolutely would not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, mention it you your DIL. Your DS may have made the decision to share your kind gift with her, leaving her none the wiser that your intention was just to treat him. She may (justifiably) be hurt and offended if you essentially accuse her of muscling in on it.

If you made it clear it was just for him then just ask him why DIL is using some of it for herself.

I’m just wondering if OP would be getting more YANBUs if she had a daughter who she gave £600 to and she spent a chunk of it on her husband.

But the issue isn't should the son have shared it (you can argue this both ways imo - people view presents and finances differently).

The question OP is asking is should she go back to her son to tell him she isn't happy with the way he spent the gift. Which I think would be completely unreasonable.

That's crazy, of course he is going to share it. If they don't have a lot of spare money for treats how awful would it be if your son blows it on a weekend away with friends while his partner stays at home with nothing. Really weird attitude

It bothered you that your DH’s mother wanted to treat her own son individually once in a while? What kind of nonsensical BS is that? Of course she sees her DH and children as her primary family. I just can’t understand that mindset.

Im sure she is very much aware that you are DH’s primary family but even though her son is now married it doesn’t mean she stops being his mom and needs to include his wife in every single gift.

When you provide money you need to expect it will be shared. In this situation a physical gift or voucher is often better.

I beg you...Do NOT speak to your son about this. Just be grateful you have raised a man who is generous enough to include his wife in the gift and that both he and your lovely DiL are going to have a treat and this is what your DS wants. If you say something you will completely ruin this gesture, suck the joy from it, and they may both look upon you differently, and not in a positive way.

Your son sounds lovely, you have clearly done a good job raising him. Now let this go. I’m sure he enjoyed treating his wife and will enjoy his night with the boys. Next time buy him something physical if it’s that important to you that she doesn’t receive any form of gift from you. I’d only reply nicely to DIL as I don’t think it’s worth ruining the relationship over.

I want to do that but how do I ask him that bc since they are married I have to assume he will tell my DIL what I said and she will get her feelings hurt and get upset. Also how do I respond to my DIL’s text?

You’re seriously overthinking this @BySassyUmberPeer My Dad sometimes buys a gift for me and DH’s parents sometimes buy him something. It’s no big deal, we’re both happy that our partner received a gift-why wouldn’t we be?

Money is different as the recipient chooses what to spend it on and they may choose to share it.

She thanked me but she thanked me for a gift that wasn’t meant for her.

It's definitely unreasonable of you to be annoyed at DIL when you've no idea of the conversation between them. He could have said to her "mum gave us some money to treat ourselves". In which case of course she'd thank you.

Also I can’t help but feel she thanked me as a, “hey your son used the money towards me as well and don’t forget me” kind of way

I thought you said you liked her? You seem to think she's quite manipulative.

Did your son thank you, op?

I'll tell you what happened. Your son said to his wife "oh btw my mum just sent us some money, can you text her to say thanks, just make up something we'll be spending it on"

I bet your Dil sorts out all your Christmas, birthday and mother's day cards and presents too.

My DH would spend half of it on me even if I were to protest.

Are you trying to buy his affection?

You don’t need to buy them both a gift.

Cash is different, money is family money, as they see it. Just buy him a gift next time.

I think you’re making drama where there is none. You gave him a gift - gifts don’t come with conditions - and he’s determined that he wants to share it with his partner in life. What a brilliant young man he is.

Opportunities exist in life to treat a specific person - they are called birthdays. But even then, if it’s a cash gift you still don’t get to dictate how that cash is spent. I can’t see why you can’t see that he’s made a generous choice and be proud of him for that? I also think that your DIL’s text was lovely - you only need to respond with: “You’re welcome - enjoy!”

You'd be very foolish to say anything. You have a good relationship with dil.. leave it at that.

You didn't give him a gift you gave him a gift of obey to spend on something for himself. To see his wife happy probably makes him happy. If you wanted to treat just your son it should of been an actual gift, maybe related to a hobby