AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Do you want him to exclude his wife?
I'm the DIL that is never noticed as working hard, supporting the son, bringing up the children, organising everything, gardening, decorating so I think just treating him is a bit unfair. When children get married they start a new family - let them be a strong family unit.

Hah, of course you did! Well, at least you seem to have managed to raise a very decent man. You might find rather more boundaries go up now.

Then you should've bought him something that only HE can use! The fact that he chose to spend the money on BOTH of them (did you tell him it was just for him and not to be shared?) shows how good their relationship is and how much he loves her! If I got some money like that from my mum I'd think what I could get my son and my husband first! Selfless people are weird like that! Having said this, I understand what you feel, though, I don't want you to think I'm being totally against you! My first thought would probably be that my son could've done something more with the money if he hadn't shared it, but I'd also be proud of him for doing it and for treating his wife so well! 😊

monster in law is more apt that troll

Remember that whilst your son has been working hard, your daughter in law would have been too - holding the fort and keeping your grandchildren alive and well. She must be exhausted. It’s in her role that she doesn’t get to take a poo in peace or eat a meal without it going cold. Given that your son has been working hard in his job, she’s probably been solo parenting a lot, and I am someone who does a lot of solo parenting.

if you do mention that the money is just for your son, fair enough as it’s your money and your son. Did you write a card for the cheque, to say it was treat for him to indulge himself? Presumably not.

if you say something now, be prepared to know that you will hurt, offend, humiliate your lovely and hard working daughter in law. She probably won’t see you in the same familial way anymore, since your sympathies clearly lie with your son, who you see as your family.

Personally, if I were you, I'd pat myself on the back at a job well done for raising such a nice husband and father. ❤️

It shows what a great son you've raised

Once you give it to your son I am sure he knows it was meant for him but you can't control him from spending just on him once it has left your bank account your son can do whatever he wants with that money and may be he wants to spend it on his wife and kids

You're being unreasonable. I would be proud of my son if he spent money on his wife. You should be proud, as well.

Your son sounds like a nice guy.

You are getting a hard time on this thread. I have one of each as the saying goes, in years to come I want to treat my son just as much as my daughter.

Id understand if my MiL wanted to buy her son something. I think you should have asked him what he’d like and got him the item. Or given him birthday money.

It’s not your DIL’s fault she likely didn’t know.

What you are missing is that it was your son's CHOICE to share the gifted money with his wife

It was but if your MIL gave your husband money would you spend it on a spa? I don’t think I would personally unless she mentioned it to me.

If it was a daughter and her husband spent the money her mother gave her on golf would people say the same?

If it had been spent on meals out for something for the whole family I think that’s different.

My mother is law gave me £100 last Christmas to treat myself. Lovely of her. It was also very clearly my money, every adult in the family was given £100 and asked not to spend it on kids etc it was meant to be for a treat. So I feel I could go to a spa with that.

But if she’d given £200 to my husband & not mentioned it to me I wouldn’t text her that I’d treated myself with that money.

If my MIL gave DH £600 and he gave me £300 and said “mum says we should treat ourselves”, then yes I might well book myself a spa day and text her to say thankyou!

Ur son gave a lovely textbook response. You shouldn't have said anythinh to ur son, it's very likely he will mention this to his wife, this could sour relationship.

You gave him the money to treat himself, once it's with him it's his to do as he pleases. A decent man will always share it with his wife, my husband hates spending on himself without spending on me also. There's no way my husband would feel comfortable spending £600 on himself as a treat without including me in the treat.

Of course you can still have your individual relationship with ur son. It would be better you give a physical gift next time so that way you aren't disheartened that he has shared it

OK a daughter here, if my Mum gave me a gift of money and told me that it was exclusively for me to treat myself, I'd hand it back. Gifts should not be conditional and that amount of money is something I would want to share with my husband AND daughter.

I grew up in a large family. For Christmas each year my uncle would give his kids a bucket of candy cane's - each. He had 4 children. During the holidays my family would visit. While waiting at the door, we could hear my aunt tell her children to hide their candy. I understand that the candy was meant just for them and we knew better than to even ask.

Many years later, my aunt was on her death bed and I happened to be in town with my mother and siblings. We had two choices, visit the dying aunt or go for an ostrich burger across town. The burger won and it was delicious. To this day, I do not regret the decision.

The goal of being a good parent is to raise kind and thoughtful children who know how to share. In your case, you missed the lesson, but your son still came out a decent father and husband. On your death bed, do you really want your DIL to choose a burger over a heartfelt farewell? Think before you speak or your "gift" may have the same effect as the candy cane's.

YABU - maybe treating his wife makes him happy. Maybe them both being refreshed by their weekends off will help them as a couple & family. You assume baselessly that the majority has gone to the wife. Nothing you’ve said suggests she would have forced him to spend the money on her, so we can only assume he gets more joy from spending it this way than from splurging on some material possession just for himself.
If your goal was to make him happy, then surely mission accomplished? If it’s about making him happy then why are you so fixated on it being spent in the way that makes you happy?

OMG OP, read that message from your son out loud and really absorb it. He said they're a unit. His wife works as hard as he does, towards their family's happiness. Let. It. Go.

If you keep pursuing your point you'll not just ruin the gift, but you can kiss goodbye to the tea afternoons with DIL. She'll hear what you've said and interpret it to mean you don't actually value her contribution in rising her own children -- your beloved grandkids.

Your son is amazing. A good husband, father, son, and a human being. Embrace that and don't try to change him to become more self-centred. He clearly finds joy in sharing his windfall. It's his call.

Me and my bf don't really share when we get gifts 🤣🤣 like we would give a wee bit of the gift but it's never 50/50. I honestly could never imagine expecting my bf to share like half of his gift 😳😳(I say bf cause we're not married but we have been together 19years and we have 2 kids)

I think that has to be your answer. In future you can give money knowing this or give/pay for a specific thing so this won't happen. Only your behaviour is in your control. He's made it clear what he wants to do if you give him money, sharing it with his family may give him more joy then using it all himself. It sounds like this is the thing he can do with the money that will make him feel happiest. Maybe thinking of it that way will help you feel better about this. If I want to celebrate or reward someone then the gift I want to give is one that they will enjoy or treasure of that makes them really happy. Giving someone the gift you think they should want doesn't achieve that. Gifts should be about the person they're given to not the person they're given by.

I wouldn't either and I'd be saying spend it on yourself, but that's not what OPs son wants. Sounds like he'd have said it was for both of them, since he assumed that and that's a different to her expecting half of his present.

But that was his present, his mam gave that to him and told him it was for him 😵‍💫

Very thoughtful and how nice but surely spending some time together is so important.? Having a young child is exhausting- your DIL does this day in , day out to enable your son to focus on his work to provide. They are both getting a break and that’s fair- maybe they would like to have done this together but because of lack of childcare they can’t? Maybe you could babysit?

Strangely as a mum I want my kids to be happy more than I want them to do things my way. If one of my DC wanted to share a monetary gift with their OH and that's what made them happy that's what I'd want them to do. Gifts should be about the recipient, not the giver.

Very true! Arguments for both sides here and how you would deal with it is very personal. He shared and there's nothing to be done about it now 🙂