AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

A conditional gift, isn’t a gift. I’d tell you to shove it

Also I can’t help but feel she thanked me as a, “hey your son used the money towards me as well and don’t forget me” kind of way

That's not it. I think she thanked you because your son couldn't be bothered to, because she was genuinely grateful whereas he takes you for granted. Am I close?

The more you post, the more the rotten aftertaste of this "gift" is coming through. What you're actually doing here, whether you mean to or not, is using money to buy yourself a controlling interest in your son's marriage and insult the mother of your grandchildren. You should really stop it, before you end up on Gransnet warbling about how baffled you are that they don't want to see you.

Reminds me of that time when I was 6 months post-birth with zero support and husband who kept going as he was a single man. I was breast feeding at night and my baby didn't sleep more than 2 hrs at a time and napped only 45min.
I ended up collapsing one day from sheer exhaustion as had a difficult birth inc 3 pints or so of blood loss.
My MIL came to 'help', which included getting her son a lunch and treats, just for him.
It stung ever since as her son literally hasn't done any baby stuff by that point and I was totally exhausted.
Don't be that MIL.

you'd have felt more proud if you'd raised a grabby entitled son squirrelled away cash for himself?

surely the point of a gift is that he can do whatever he likes with it.

Yes, tell your son he's not to spend it on a spa day on his wife, he can only spend it on himself. Go on, tell him.

I’ve seen this story posted before.

Maybe he just wants to share? My dad gave me £2k as a gift when he got some money maturing from an account. His only stipulation was that it was to be spent not saved - it was money to splurge. I split it with my partner so we each had £1000 to spend for fun, because to me it was no fun to be the only one with a treat.

This. You have a good relationship with them, don't ruin it. At least she messaged to thank you, did your son?

If my mother gave me money like that there's no chance I'd only spend it on myself! It feels selfish in a marriage with children. We'd probably put it towards a family holiday.

I think if you want to give him something "just for him" in future you should arrange something for the two of you to do, or buy him a gift instead.

In terms of what to respond to your DIL I'd say something along the lines of "my pleasure DIL, I hope you both enjoy". Anything else will cause bad feeling.

Why would he get defensive if he “had” to share it m? Wouldn’t it be more like, “no mom I wanted to use it for myself but wife really felt she needed a treat as well.”

I would ask him nicely when he's on his own, whether that's in person or on the phone and just say that the gift was purely just for him and how did DIL end up spending most of it? Just say you wanted to treat him only as a one off. Can you have that conversation before responding to the text off DIL? If not then just say to her nicely that the gift was actually for DS only.

Adding my voice to the chorus here - DH and I would both share our gifts like that with each other. If one or other of our parents said it was ‘just for you’ - we’d ignore it and share treats anyway - because we’re married + we want each other to have nice things / a break - and if I’m honest also because feeling guilty about not sharing would mar my enjoyment of a treat.

let it go!

Bloody hell my MIL just gave DH £10,000 it's bugging to do with me though, he does what he sees fit with it! Whether that's spend it on himself, us or our son I haven't even questioned!

Family quite often give me checks for my birthday and Christmas. I wouldn’t dream of spending it all on myself. It goes straight into mine and my husband’s joint account and goes towards bills and other essentials. I usually don’t use any of it at all for just myself. To use all of it on myself would feel completely selfish. And I’m a woman so I don’t think it’s got anything to do with gender.

I'm sure your DIL works hard raising your two very young grandchildren, you're being a loon.

’DIL is really sweet’ - OP already thinks herself as superior to her DIL And doesn’t think DIL deserves anything or her son.

But if he did choose to share it with you, how would you feel if your MIL got arsey about it, and said he shouldn't have done that?

what should I text my DIL back?

"have a lovely day, you deserve it"

Also, these posters saying their SO has received large amounts of money and there's no expectation of it to be shared/family money; I did this very odd.

I had money given to just me once. I had no inclination to spend it just on myself. I shared it with my husband. It's your son's choice and yabu.

I really don't understand parents who give conditional gifts.

My grandparents used to do this to my mum and her siblings to create drama, and it always ended in tears.

OP either give a gift and let your son do as he likes with the money (even if that is giving every penny to his young family) or don't give the gift at all imo.

My issue is that it didn’t go for something just for him. My gift was mother to son to acknowledge his hard work. So she gets a whole spa day while my son gets a couple of beers out of it?

Yes I told him it was we just for him, I said, “hey honey I am so proud of the man you have become and the amazing father I have seen you turn into and I absolutely adore your wife and I love how she adores you but I want this one thing to be just a special gift from mother to son.”

Well, he, your son didn't want this to be a special gift just from you to him, he clearly wanted to share it with his wife.

Once you give a sum of money as a gift you cannot determine how it is used, it is up to the recipient of gift.

Once you’ve given a gift, you are no longer in control of what DS does with that gift. He could have taken the money and threw it into the fireplace—his choice to what he wants with it.

It was probably inappropriate for DIL to tell you how they were spending it. I usually get John Lewis vouchers from MIL and BIL/SIL for my birthday. 9 out of 10 times, I spend the vouchers on stuff for my kids (school uniform, shoes, etc). I don’t announce to my in-laws what I’ve done with the vouchers though—I simply give them a big thank-you.