AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

How has your week gone @jcsc

OP could play her daughter "Sweet Bobby my ten year catfish nightmare."
It's on Netflix.

There is also the issue of why the teen accepted to be controlled. It seems she needs therapy to build her self esteem and healthy boundaries.

I was raised by a sigle father, who was controlling and always thought he knew better than me for me, even if he really loved me.
I hated it and he hated to openly talk to me. Drove me to marry at 18 with a toxic person.

There are many predators out there, we need self love and agency to successfully navigate life.
I would also pray for her.

The predators can easily get a voice modulator app to sounds like anything they want.

Another Netflix interesting documentary is The Worst Ex Ever. All were heavy in controlling the victim.

Just wanted to add that I think you are a good mother, I wish my parents were like you. 🤗
Good luck.

PS This thread has been reposted on Bored Panda, which is where I saw it first.

How are you doing @jcsc . Hope daughter is happy and settled again and this is a distant bad memory

Sorry for the extremely late update. Life has returned to normal. My daughter started talking to me properly again within a few weeks, the cold shoulder lasted a little longer than I thought it would have. I have downloaded tiktok and snap chat and can see who she messages and recently added friends on the family centre. No contact from said girl now since this started. All prank phone calls and text messages stopped within a short space of time. She’s back enjoying time with her school friends, her fire cadets and football. We had a lovely family Xmas. She seems happy albeit a stroppy hormonal teenager, which is normal.
i am much more aware of the dangers lurking online. I’m happy I posted on here originally it gave me the bashing and eye opener needed to never make the same mistakes again and be so naive. I talk to her regularly about what happened. She fully understands where I was coming from. Although I know deep down she won’t fully 110% realise until maybe one day she has a child of her own.

Good news and Thankyou for sharing

Great update OP.
So glad things have unsurprisingly turned out well.
You sound like such a lovely mum.
She is a lucky girl.
Some posters were unnecessarily nasty, but that is MN.
For many parents it is a lot to keep up with, technology is changing all the time.

We are parents first, not friends, much as we love to chat to them.
That means sometimes we have to fall out with them to show them that we are prepared to do whats necessary to keep them safe.
Mind yourself.

That's really good that you've got through to her and things are much better.

You were being unreasonable for allowing her to be on her phone until 3am! The sooner these things are banned for youngsters the better

I'm glad you've resolved this and your daughter and your relationship is doing OK.

Thank you so much for updating, I think it’s important for everyone to read how this has resolved and the impact of this sort of thing on young people and how she has changed back to normal once the threat was stamped out.

you are also very brave posting here again as you will get another string of posters telling you YABU and more etc when they haven’t bothered to read the whole thread. (Just ignore them)

I’d be taking the phone at 9pm, and telling her to leave it at home when she’s in school. Hopefully things will cool with this girl. I’d be checking her phone too.

Thanks for the update!

Well done, OP. You have done the right thing and one day she will recognise that and thank you for it.

Absolutely brilliant update @jcsc

May you both have a wonder life going forward!