AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

More good wishes to you @jcsc . As a parent I have made many mistakes. We all do our best they only way we know how. You've had your eyes opened big time to social media. Now you know and you're working to correct your mistakes. Good on you!
Your daughter will get through this and your relationship will mend. Hold strong OP.

That sounds incredibly groomery on the dads part!

You absolutely don't give yourself enough credit, you identified a problem (before it was too late) and swiftly and appropriately dealt with it. The relationship was highly inappropriate, controlling and toxic it could have led to horrendous circumstances. Your daughter may currently hate you but in the long run you have saved her from a world of pain that no 14 year old should ever have to face.

You are a fantastic mum doing the right thing rather than the easy thing. X

Please look at the Childline website with your DD. Look at the whole section about keeping safe online. Encourage her to talk to someone else about this so it’s not just you being evil (in her eyes)

I'm sorry to hear of the situation you are dealing with. Just recently on mumsnet there has been a thread about a Mum not wanting to give any sort of phone and it's been interesting to see the viewpoints of both threads.

So if anything good has come from this it's that you are highlighting the dangers for us all by sharing your story.

It really is a minefield with tech now. I'm like you, I rarely read the news as I find it miserable and I dont have the headspace for it. And I dont use social media and neither does my husband. We are holding off on phones just now but it's scary for sure.

Maybe you will find some youtube videos to help, I remember this one, although you'd probably find more educational ones

Best wishes to you x

Just want to say, you’re doing amazingly. You’ve identified an issue and you’re working hard to rectify it. It must be hard being off social media but also wanting not to curtail your kids’ experiences and how they connect and communicate with others, so please give yourself some grace. You’re looking out for your daughter, you love her and you’re certainly not being unreasonable in your actions to protect her. The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about. It may not feel like it now, but your daughter will thank you someday and will see where you are coming from. I was in quite a toxic teenage relationship at that age and I wish more than anything that my parents had twigged on and stopped it as it caused significant damage.

I’m glad you’ve raised it with the police. Also I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this already but if your daughter has sent nudes etc, the other girl / recipient is technically in possession of child pornography. Don’t want to freak you out and I don’t know if things have progressed in that vein, but it could be something you discuss with your daughter as well.

You’ve got this.

OP, a wise friend once said to me that our kids grow up well in spite of us not because of us 😉
You are doing the very best you can in a very tricky situation. She will thank you for your intervention but perhaps not just yet.

She could if op has viewed any stories she’s posted as shows who’s viewed your stories

Totally agree with this @jcsc. Sorry you are getting such a bashing. You held your hands up immediately to being naive about social media but for some reason some posters just want to keep sticking the boot in regardless of your upset.

I hope things are a bit calmer today. Your DD might be angry with you but in the long run she'll be grateful for how you're advocating for her now.

PS. I doubt those messages about same-sex relationships from the Dad will have been from the Dad. I bet it's the GF.

Hope your DD has a good time with your mum and you're getting a handle on things OP.

How are things @jcsc ?

Do you have an android phone? I control my children's phones using Family Link.

Still very very frosty. She is hardly talking to me only when it’s really essential. She has her best friends sleeping over tonight I’m hoping this will cheer her up. She’s back at school Monday so will be speaking with pastoral team about it.
its like she is grieving.
my mums given her a few articles to read about grooming etc but she’s refusing to read them. DD still thinks I’m punishing her.

key information

do you have her phone?

It's good that your mum is also on the same page. Have you seen the phone / removed yet?

Yes and she’s given me the passcode to get into it. I’ve gone through it and deleted and blocked. She had it back for a short time to arrange her sleep over but I was in her room tidying it. I will need to at some point give it back for daytimes as she is back at school Monday. I’ve set up snap chat family centre in readiness.

Something to ponder - What are you planning to do to stop DD messaging the GF using best friends phone?

Her friends don’t like this girl I’ve found out. I have a very good relationship with one of her best friends and she would tell me.

@jcsc did you find out whose friend she is originally who added her to the group chat? Is the GF still active in it?

sounds like you are doing great. Did your son get a chance to talk to DD over the weekend? He might have a young person's view on this, that she can more easily relate to

Also agree location tracking so you know where she is all the time.

My DC and I track each other, helpful if out in town. Or to know where they are when out, or if out late, or in an Uber.

Be sure she knows you will contact police immediately if she turns it off. Or whatever you agree to.

No I didn’t find this out. I went through all the group chats. They literally have a group chat for everything and there wasn’t one with her in it. I think it was from tiktok. It wasn’t her close friends. My DD has other friends from outside school activities that I don’t know. The only friends I’m letting her see face to face are the ones I know. In a way she is being punished by me in her eyes.

We do have life 360 but she’s not been out with her friends since.

Is it an iPhone? I can’t remember if you said. But if it is you can set up what contacts they are allowed to contact as well or just contacts only not numbers not saved and what hours they are allowed to contact them in the downtime settings.

No they don’t see eye to eye but my sons home from uni all weekend. Miracles may happen