AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

That’s everything other than fb. I don’t use social media I find it very negative and full of hate. I have Instagram but rarely use that. I sound really stupid but I’m not, just crap with technology and social media sites.

Even if it is a real teen, this is coercive control and emotional abuse. And it’s worse with phones allowing so much access to the person. You need to teach your daughter what a healthy relationship is. It’s not this! Normal people don’t act like that. I would ring the dad and tell him his 16 year old is abusing your child and they need to get counselling for them. They are obsessed and sending hundreds of texts a day etc

You need to nip this in the bud.

I would also contact the girls college if you have her full name. They need to know. Goodness knows who else she could be doing this too. In two years time she could have the police at her door.

This. She now gets controlled access to her phone or loses it completely.

She also messaged my DH last night on social media asking where DD was and then went mental at DD for being out.
I'd be phoning the police over this, this is another level of harassment.
She sounds as if she could be dangerous.

Have you reverse image checked her photos? It might be worth a try. See if the images come back as the same person or if they are linked to someone else.

I’d be taking the phone off your DD. Give her a dumb handset for emergencies, but nothing that’ll connect to SM / the net.

If she has to use a laptop or tablet for schoolwork then buy something like Norton lifelock and lock it right down - no SM or messaging apps or website access.

Yes, things will be shit for a short while, but it’ll pay dividends once she gets this catfish girl out of her system.

Take her phone off her.

Your job is to protect her. Remove the phone.

Reverse image search.

I’ve not heard of this I’ll look into it. Thank you

Really concerning that the dad is encouraging his daughter to have a relationship with a 14 year old and even worse saying we all love her. Are you sure this isn't some grooming scam?

@jcsc not meaning to pile on but you need to get a clear picture of who this person your daughter is actually in a relationship with.

Is the GF known to any of her real life friends in real life or to they just know her from online/social media?

Have they ever face timed? It’s very easy to set up fake social media using someone else’s photos.

What dad would think it would be appropriate to message a 14year old he’s never met and say his family loves her? He’s either got no boundaries or isn’t real and is just another account created by the ‘GF’.

Catfishing is very real and very easily done. Those who are very invested go as far as creating other personas to help make their main character feel more real by having ‘legitimate’ seeming connections to invented friends and family.

It is extremely unwise to allow children to have access to social media you don’t understand or have oversight of, they are just too vulnerable to make decisions that potentially could have significant impact on their lives.

If the GF is who she says she is you need to cut your daughter off and get her offline for a time, instead focusing on real friends and potentially getting her actual friends on side.

in the longer term I would be restricting the social media she is allowed to use or learning how but all works. She is so vulnerable to emotional manipulation and being pressured into sending explicit photos. If she has fine this and there is evidence you can report the GF to the police for having indecent images of a child.

I would be looking for resources to teach your daughter about coercive control and abusuve relationships, she’s young but she’s entered a world she’s not mentally or emotionally ready for and needs help, whether she wants to accept that or not

The school provide chrome books. She’s hidden the phone I’ve just been up to her room. She’s hysterical about it. In reply to another poster I have asked if they have FaceTimed she said they have and her dad was in the background and said hello.
my heads all over the place. I’m going to get DH to go up there and try and talk to her about it and find and get the phone off her.

Agree 14 is far too young for her to be dealing with this alone. You need to learn about Snapchat, quickly, and get a parent account linked to your daughter’s account. Then you can see who she is messaging (but not the content of the messages.) It’s called family centre & it’s in the privacy controls. Sadly no responsible parent of teens can opt out of getting clued up about this crap now and staying on top of it - letting them be on their phone all night long talking to people they’ve never met is almost as bad as letting them be out all night by themselves doing god knows what, because that’s what she’s doing even though she’s in the house. And either take her phone overnight every night, or put timing locks on it so she can’t use it when she needs to be asleep. Good luck.

It seems even more worrying now that the dad was in the background and said hello.

I was all for suggesting allowing things to calm down tonight and trying to get alongside your dd, leveraging your relationship and trust that she has in you. You've tried "going in hard" and it's not working, it seems like getting her to see the problems herself is going to be the best way. And you can't do that whilst she's hysterical.

But now having the dad in the background of facetime makes me feel uneasy, you need to find out more about the girl and her family to know what exactly you're dealing with.

I wouldn’t necessarily take her word on this given her emotional state. If the dad has just said hello why would he be messaging that the family love her, they don’t know her, it’s very odd behaviour for an adult.

She needs time to calm down but you need to get the phone/laptop away from her immediately before the GF suggests something daft like running away or worse. I remember being 14 and emotions running very high, there’s no logic or rational thinking with hormone’s running rampant.

Thank you I feel so upset and angry at myself. Sitting here crying and getting emotional that I’ve been so naive to let it get this out of control. She’s always been the easy happy go lucky child and I feel annoyed I don’t know how to use all these latest social media apps. I’m in my 40s so far from ancient and just never bothered with it as I hate social media, not thinking this would happen. Before I blocked her on Instagram last night I viewed her profile and she knew I’d done that as she messaged my DD straight away saying why am I viewing her profile!!

@jcsc you aren’t the first and won’t be the last parent to underestimate the issues that social media can present. Those of us who were late teens or older by the time of Facebook didn’t grow up with this so it’s easy to not be aware of the risks. The rate at which people he apps and platforms develop can be hard to keep track of but it’s crucial, especially in these circumstances, to learn what’s happening, how it works and how you can protect your child.

The only way for them to know you've been on their account is if you've watched a video/story on there, otherwise it's impossible.

Something very peculiar about all this

Make it clear to her (calmly) that the same rules apply in a gay relationship as a straight one. No one would tolerate their daughter being treated like this by a boy so why would they a girl? Assuming this is a girl at all...

I think you have to be able to look through her phone at Snapchat & see what's actually being sent

You are understandably getting very fraught and worried about your daughter, but I think you're not helping with the way you are approaching her about it.

I wonder if going down a route of discussing what are signs of a healthy relationship and what are signs of an unhealthy one, would be more effective. At the moment you've locked horns and she's defensive of her "relationship". Asa teenage girl she's going to find it nearly impossible to back down from that position, so try to disengage and talk to her in open terms about relationships but NOT referencing this girl. Break it down into chunks the different ways something can be unhealthy, like control, manipulation, coercion, and how to have good boundaries. There must be books or age appropriate videos on the subject. Contact school to ask if they can recommend any good resources and if they can please cover the subject in PHSE.

If she won’t give her the phone, take black sacks upstairs and start removing her stuff. This is important, do not do this in anger. This is out of love and protection. “I love you, but you cannot dictate what happens here”. Be calm, if she shouts, just speak quietly. You have to be the one in charge. Extreme reactions come from being scared and out of control. You are in control and eventually once she trusts that she will calm down.

New rule has to be phoned downstairs by a certain time. Is it an iPhone? You can control usage on family settings. Please educate yourself

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/social-media/

is good.

Good luck

OP- this screams dodgy catfish. An overly controlling 16 y old suicidal gf and her “dad” harassing your 14 year old? It could easily be some deranged 40 year old women/ man. Have you seen them FaceTime? If so why haven’t they done this? You need safeguarding in place now.

I didn't think Instagram could tell if you've viewed someone's profile unless you watched their stories. Sounds like she has added additional apps that tell her that kind of info.

Did you manage to get your daughter's phone OP? Hope you get her out of this mess soon. Must be so worrying for you.

Does your DD have an iphone? If so, you can use Screen Time to limit her access to the phone’s apps, etc. I image all phones can do this. You can lock the phone at a certain time and put time limits on certain apps. My teenagers have it on their phones, they hate it, but it’s non negotiable.

Also, ensure you have their PIN codes and follow them on social media - and know how it works.

I’d go in hard, tell the GF it’s over and block her on everything of DD’s. Good luck.

Having read your updates @jcsc I’d be putting a block on the sim if it’s a contract phone. Does your DD have access to other iPads, computers except the school chrome book?

I have to agree with others this sounds like cat fishing which is worrying.