AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

OP, firstly, the only people I was critical of on this thread were those suggesting that you all meet up and have the catfish round for dinner etc.. All totally idiotic suggestions.

You did what you could in the circumstances.

As things have escalated to the degree they have I suggest that you A, cancel the sleepover, and tell your DD that you’ll be telling her best friend’s parents why, as BF also needs protecting.

B, search her room from top to bottom and remove all technology, tablets/phones/laptops and from now on technology is only used in a communal space.

C, remove her smartphone permanently and buy her a brick phone.

D, stop her allowance. She can’t be trusted not to use it to buy new tech.

E, speak to the police again regarding how this has escalated, and tell your DD that as she’s now involved with these people, she is culpable in the harassment of you and your DH.

The time for talking is over. There need to be consequences now, and they need to be serious consequences.

Definitely report the calls to the non emergency police number. It is harassment.

all this

this this this

your daughter gave out your number?

OP, cancel the sleepover

This is very serious

This.
She is an absolute brat.
You do realise that this is really delinquent behaviour and not normal?
The only way to deal with this type of behaviour is scorched earth style.

Let me assure you, your average parent does not accept this.
Contact 101 for advice.
Cancel any social engagements, she has really awful judgement and cannot be trusted.

Let me assure you, your average parent does not accept this

indeed.

This is pretty damn shocking to many i imagine

and now to read the girl has given out her mother’s number

and it would seem… having her best friend over for a sleepover still

I hope you have reported this to the police. This gf, could possibly be a man. This is serious and it needs to be dealt with. You have a duty to your daughter and others to inform the police. If it was my daughter l would report this as a matter of urgency.

When did your dd give out your number? Was it innocently before this all kicked off, or after? Was it in the hope her 'gf' could talk you round or to punish you? I'm not sure I'd go in all guns blazing on this, I would hope, as a pp said, that this will show your dd that this is not a good person to be around or in contact with. I'd be mortified if I was her and my parents were now being harassed because of this relationship. Is she? Or is she all attitude and aggression?

Turns out she gave our numbers out in case she needed to use our phones when we went to a wedding over a month ago as her battery was low and she may have needed to use our phone and wanted this girl to know our numbers if my DD was to text from them. Not that she asked to use our phones or even asked to give our numbers out. So it wasn’t given out recently as revenge like I thought it was.
the calls to my number have stopped. My husband has had them to continue. One of them must work in a Turkish restaurant as they have called from that number when we googled it. The restaurant is in the same town in London where she is from. I’ve made the decision to change all phone numbers. It’s going to be a pain in the arse for me as mine is used for work but I don’t want to keep the no caller Id block on my phone as I have a hospital appt coming up and they call from no caller ID and I’ll just provide the hospital with my new number. I will report to the police with the list of numbers we have had contact us this afternoon.

I agree to let the calls keep coming but obviously don't answer so you can have them as evidence for harassment.
Or at least for so long the block so it doesn't run you down too much.

You'd like to think the calls and texts would indicate the girl is a child. Hoping a grown adult wouldn't behave in such a way? 🤷

I don’t know if she knows where we live exactly but she knows the town as one of the automated police messages was from our local police station

Did she show any remorse or concern re the calls? She must be starting to realise this is not right?

From her point of view it is going to be difficult for her to admit how wrong she has been along side the grief of losing a relationship that was important to her. This thread has been great for the practical help in dealing with the immediate issue it might be worth also starting to think about how to help her through it.

Turns out she gave our numbers out in case she needed to use our phones when we went to a wedding over a month ago as her battery was low and she may have needed to use our phone and wanted this girl to know our numbers if my DD was to text from them. Not that she asked to use our phones or even asked to give our numbers out. So it wasn’t given out recently as revenge like I thought it was.

this makes no sense

i. any event the calls have started today despite this person apparently having your number for a month. Which means your daughter must have updated them with what’s been going on, and possibly even asked them to harass you

changing “all numbers” to include which ones?

You need to report the calls and texts to add onto the other issue. Honestly make sure you’ve still got dd’s phone and don’t give it back till it’s fully fully locked down.

Id if you don’t cancel the sleep over make it a no phones upstairs rule or if you can get the other parent to agree a no phones at all. Odds are your daughter has this girls number written down somewhere.

Does your dd still have current access to a tablet/pc/laptop unsupervised? If so she could still be texting her via a texting app or website.

Half joking ….
but if you post their contacts, plus the Turkish restaurant
You can have the mumsnet army fight back …,

your daughter has told these people to harass you op

otherwise why have they started harassing you today given they’ve apparently had your number for a month

i suspect that might backfire badly as they reveal more about what the DD has been up to in retaliation

OP you’re being taken for a mug.

There is absolutely no way your daughter gave these details out a month ago and they’re only starting to harass you now. And besides did she actually tell you she’d given out your numbers to complete strangers off snapchat?

She clearly has access to another device and is blatantly still in touch with these people.

I’m beginning to lose all sympathy for your daughter at this point, and to wonder just how innocent she really is in all this.

I agree. I find it very hard to believe that these numbers were given out some time ago.
I don't believe it.
Far more credible is that she has access to a device and in her annoyance has decided giving out your number is payback for your actions.
OP, I think it is critical that you do harden up.

the fact that you believe your daughter that these people have had your number for a month (for some bizarre reason that you outline) and by pure coincidence start harassing you today… makes me think Op you need a LOT more support from your husband and other family members and the school in dealing with your daughter

Alternatively they are harassing op and her husband because the dd hasn't been in touch. Just as the 'dad' messaged op and her husband was contacted before all of this when the dd wasn't contactable.. I wouldn't rule out the daughter being in touch but it's definitely not a sure thing. I would go by how she is reacting to this harassment of her parents. Also, op, please make it crystal clear to your dd that you are in touch with the police about the whole thing.

I mean there is a 50/50 chance between the DD messaging via another app/web page or that they are mad at getting no response so now using the numbers they have as an angry outburst. It genuinely could be either.

But harassing the op isn’t going to get the DD what she wants either so would be a kick in her own shit at that point.

Though the numbers could have been given only the day you wanted her phone and she hid it originally rather than months ago.