AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

Have you tried putting the phone number into Whatsapp?

OP please don't continue to punish yourself for being unaware of what has been going on in your DD's life. I know you've received a hell of a bashing from MNetters, but when it comes down to it, how many of the parents on here, can hand on heart say that they know where their children are, and what they're getting up to, 24 hours of the day? Kids these days are so quick to pick up all this new stuff, and even when we try to educate ourselves, things are literally changing so quickly, that when you're a working parent, and have other kids to care for, it's just too hard to keep on top of it all. It sounds like you have now been very pro-active, and I'm glad you've called the police in to help you. I feel sure that in spite of the bashing you've received, there are a lot of people on MN tonight who are grateful to you for posting your story, and have begun to wonder exactly what THEY may have missed that could cause their kids to come to grief on their phones.

My advice to all parents on here, would be to join those who are refusing to give their youngsters smartphones, and while most think that 14 is OK, what you've experienced just goes to show, that even that is too young.

I've not read the whole thread but I just wanna say as someone who was in and out of abusive relationships at that exact age, I wish my mum was more like you!

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are ok and it worked out well for you in the end x

Thank you for your kind words. Every time I get a notification I read it with one eye shut, half expecting another unkind comment

I have truly given myself the strongest telling off. I won’t ever forget this week and I’ve drummed it into my DD that’s she needs to remember this for when she has children of her own in years to come.
I really appreciate the supportive comments and there have been lots of them, so thank you all.

Have you reported the messages and calls to add to the report about this situation.

The predator / “dad” may work at or own the Turkish restaurant that has been calling your dd?

@jcsc there is some fantastic advice and support for parents about online and social media safety.

here’s a starting point - it links to loads of resources and lots of good links in the footer.

https://www.internetmatters.org

good luck.

@jcsc - you're doing as much as you can. I hope you can get some sleep tonight, you've had a rough few days

I agree. Teens can be secretive.

I think in those case the phone is half the issue. The main thing is equipping your daughter with the tools to have successful relationships.

This has just been on the news. you are right to come down hard on this .

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cj6k7y8wre7o

OP are all these prank calls sounding like they come from a 16y old girl or are they also male voices? Have you called the restaurant directly to ask why you are receiving such calls from their number?

How is she this morning @jcsc it might be worth seeing if she wants to go out for the day today. It is difficult with teens as they can be so bloody moody at the best of times and completely unreachable at the worst maybe a bit of (non tech obviously) retail therapy and lunch together might be a good plan. Talk about other things and only discuss all of this if she brings it up.

you’ve handled everything really well considering how much on the back foot you were but some quality time with dd is what is needed. As much as she’s been stupid she’s been led astray here and needs to feel safe with you again.

Does the best friends parents know what’s been going on?

I wouldn’t want my child staying over at the current time with all this shit show going on under your roof and your daughter’s behaviour atm.

Where is she supposed to go?

Thank you. I hope one day she will understand why I have done what I’ve done.
i feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. She’s been out with my husband today as she had an away game for her sport (and her team lost, they were players down already so she couldn’t not go) . I cooked a massive family roast. Had my mum round whilst they were out and then my childhood friend I’ve grown up with since infant school came round with some flowers for me and I cried my eyes out. My mums now sending me constant grooming articles - I think it’s opened her eyes too. My son has gone back to university tonight and that hurt my heart more than normal.
DD is back to school tomorrow. I’m back to work Tuesday. I’m hoping routine helps. She’s still cold towards me but it is what it is. I refuse to find her dead in a ditch somewhere. I will do my best to protect her and my other children forever.
my own stupidity never really hit me until this week. I still drop her to school and one of us always pick her up every day as I’m worried about her walking home, yet I never really truly knew the dangers lurking on her own phone in my own home.

You're a good mother, OP. Stop beating yourself up.

I wish that all the parents that I worked with over the years were as conscientious as you.

@jcsc I wanted to say thank you for sharing this and the updates. You’re not alone in finding yourself/your child in a really tricky situation. I think your story will help other people think about what their children might be accessing. I hope your daughter is ok.

OP, honestly be kind to yourself.
You are doing your best.
This will pass and she will eventually realise that her safety is your priority.
She is too mad to see it now, which is normal for her age.
As parents sometimes we have to just accept that parenting our children will piss them off!

thank you @jcsc for opening my eyes to this issue.

Will your dd have her phone on her at school? If she’s being dropped off and picked up it does she need it? It sounds as though she will very likely contact the gf. I also imagine you’re contacting the school. Idk if you’re doing that by phone. If you are emailing, I found a snappy title worked wonders when there was an event, which could have had catastrophic consequences.

Yes, use an email header like 'Safeguarding concern' and it won't be put to one side.

OP, well done for taking action. I hope that one day, your daughter will see that you acted to protect her.

How's it going OP? Have you had anymore prank calls or harassment? I hope by now things are calming down a bit with your DD and she's opening up to you.

Please don't feel you need to share anything as appreciate it's sensitive and still so fresh for you. Just wanted to say we're all thinking of you, especially with the return to school this week.

OP stay strong.

Your DD may be sulking with you now, but when she's older she will fully appreciate how proactive you were in keeping her safe and will be so grateful to have you as a loving caring mother