AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

Yes it’s an iPhone. Thank you

I don’t know much about the 360 tracking but again iPhone one in the parent settings you can make sure she cannot turn off the tracking to suddenly disappear and even if you don’t have an iPhone just log in on a deck top for track my iPhone. Also set it so she cannot edit contacts to add people without you approving it.

i’d speak to best friends parents
explain situation
and say there will be no mobile phone allowed in bedroom overnight

I agree with PP you should watch sweet Bobby on Netflix, maybe watch together with your daughter so you can have a discussion later about it. Also do a reverse image search on any photos.

The documentary was only 90 minutes long on Netflix so missed out a lot of information, for the full story that covers it more thoroughly I recommend listening to the podcast so you don’t end up with lots of unanswered questions.

Here is the link to the Sweet bobby podcast.

As you now have her phone and passcode, set up the screen time with a PIN code for you. You can set up allowed apps and communications although I have discovered these change for DD but not DS. You can set it to contacts only during non down time and emergency contacts like yourself at other times. I would remove that number from her phone book so that it gets blocked during daily use and maybe set the phone to not accept calls from unknown numbers in the phone settings.
Set the phone to be locked at down time and only allow certain apps at all time. All forms of SM are blocked at night here.

Just wanted to pop in & say nice fucking work 👏👏OP! Nice. Work.

It's actually really impressive how quickly you've gotten on top of this, many parents wouldn't (despite the claims otherwise on here) & I think you've done exactly the right things.

I am sorry that you took such a battering early on in this thread. I think any one of us could easily fall into the trap that our kids' SM knowledge way outstrips our own.
So much of what I have read about how this girl (& her dad) is treating your daughter is beyond scary, and I think the only option is the drastic step that you have taken.

One day your daughter will realise that everything you have done is to protect her - hopefully that comes sooner rather than later.

for you and for her.

@jcsc 14 year old and phones are tough!

I teach teenagers, and lots of parents have no idea what they're teenagers are up to on their phones. We had to get the police involved before when a girl showed me some screenshot messages on her phone from another girl's phone that were disturbing/creepy/possessive. There have been other similar incidences (usually to do with image sharing).

My teenager (Y9) insisted on taking family link off his phone, but I said that if he wanted it removing, the phone is under MY rules. He can have his phone until I'm back from work, then it's removed until all homework is done and music practice. He can then have it back until 9.30pm where it then remains with me over night. It's also subjected to checks periodically. No TikTok (!), no discord, no snapchat, and no contact with anyone he has never met! I also remind him not to write anything that he wouldn't be happy saying to his mum 😂

Good luck with this! Parenting teenagers is a learning curve! Your daughter will calm down and eventually see that you're only trying to protect her. Well done for spotting something was wrong.

Me and my husband now getting prank calls from no caller ID and texts started half hour ago. Turns out my DD gave our phone numbers to these people. For whatever reason she can’t tell me or won’t tell me. Prank callers are automatic saying they are police with American accents. Text messages from social services. I can’t change my number that easily as mines also a work number.

This is awful! Block the phone numbers, and if you have an Iphone there is a setting that sends No Caller ID calls straight to answerphone, the phone wont even ring x

Go onto settings, then phone, then click silence unknown callers, turn the button so it goes green

She gave out your numbers?! Your daughter is way too immature to even have a phone.

I’ve done that but the texts keep coming. They are filling up my voicemail.

Doesn’t really help me now though 😩

Do you need to have unknown numbers contact you for work? They can be blocked via the iPhone settings. I suspect this is petty revenge by DD but where did she get to set it up if she hadn't had access to her phone? I'd honestly be cancelling that sleepover tonight and she can spend the time thinking about how she can make this right for you and DH

This is a worrying escalation OP. Can you block unknown callers? Keep copies of texts and report as needs be.

Block the phone numbers!! x

I’ve blocked the numbers new ones keep coming through. It’s definitely not DD doing this.

If you definitely know she's behind handing out your numbers and thus you being harrassed, that sleepover with her friends should be cancelled.

Keep blocking, and silence unknown callers. Or alternatively, you can turn your phone off for a bit, likelihood is they will just get bored.

You can also turn off voicemail for a while. That’ll stop that getting filled up.

Agree with PPs. Sleepover gets cancelled and phone is confiscated. Actions have consequences for DD. Even if she didn’t do this, she caused this.

Leave voicemail saying I have switched off VM and to email/text, then switch off VM.

I am betting good money 'dad' is a catfish/the GF.

I'm probably overreacting, I usually do but DD needs to be informed of the prank calls/texts and that you will contact the police if they persist. Hopefully this will stop the calls

Sorry, first love makes idiots of us all and I doubt she saw any harm in giving your contact details out

With this update, does it help your dd see that there was a problem with her “GF” ?
can she accept that the person she was talking to & giving all your details to is perhaps a bit deranged? If she starts to see that, then it’s worth all the prank calls.

Why and when did she give them your numbers? Do they have your address as well. I'd report the calls to the non emergency police number. This is harassment. I wouldn't block the numbers or texts I'll let them keep coming so you have evidence of the harassment.

If your daughter needs a phone for the journey to and phone school then I'd get her a Nokia brick phone. I wouldn't allow her any access to social media or WhatsApp. She's to young and irresponsible.

Do you know if she's been sending the GF photos of herself? My nibbling was sending topless pics at this age which resulted it a brick phone and no computers upstairs. All access to internet had to be done on the kitchen table in full sight of everyone.