If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

🤣

Don't feel sorry for those of us working, I feel quite sorry for you aspiring to be a kept woman and rely on someone else. I would hate that sort of life.

Personally, I think you're an absolute mug to be entirely financially dependant on someone else, but you do you. I can't imagine not wanting to support myself, and our family of 2 working parents reflects that.

Let's hope your husband continues to find a woman who wants to be financially supported and unemployed attractive too.

This

I think regardless of gender I’d find it somewhat unattractive not to be able to support yourself and to contribute to supporting your family when you had one. You might as a couple decide that the best way to manage is for one of you is to take charge of the house/kids and contribute their time and talents to ensuring those areas are well looked after while the other is the earner and contributes mainly money but in most cases part of that discussion is the downside of less money etc. Just expecting your OH to take on 100% of the financial burden and to manage it in a way that you would see no impact to your standard of living if you gave up work seems super entitled and unattractive. Net OP if I were a man and a woman I was dating set that expectation I’d not want another date.

You can find whatever you like attractive or unattractive. I find it really hot when men roll shirt sleeves up to just below the elbow but a complete turn off if they do one more roll and it’s above the elbow. Go figure.

Sounds like your set up works for you, which is good. It wouldn’t work for everyone.

Not sure what the AIBU is.

When Mr Monkey lost work during covid I could easily afford to keep him. I did not know that would make me so attractive to the likes of the OP. Or does it only work for men?

Yes you are very unreasonable.
You sound as though you are living innthen1950s!
Most women are looking for more from a man than a meal ticket. Are you saying you would never marry a man if he was a nurse, a charity worker, a carer or someone with a different low warning but necessary career?
Personally I would rather my partner was a caring good person than a City banker only interested in making money.
It also sounds as though you believe the woman's carer is less important than the man's. What is she is the high earner with the career and he wants to be the stay at home parent.?

Has it not occurred to you that your neighbour might want to work full time? Not all women want to "be kept". Many prefer to live as competent adults that are capable of supporting themselves.

I would find a man who thought it was his job to "keep" me deeply unattractive. I am not at all interested in sexist men.

It's really nice that you can both live as you choose.

I think a lot of our society is socialised to feel like you do, without really intellectually knowing why. It's the patriarchy at work! I do just think people should live whatever lifestyle makes them happy though, as long as they're not harming anyone and all parties are happy with it.

Err - neither I nor any of my friends thought like this thirty years ago. And my DM and MIL both worked when their DC were at school - in the 70s.

I cannot understand your view at all.

Define enough? I reckon most people making at least average wage (around £36k) could get by if living outside London/the south east, if living very modestly. I think I would still work because I would always want to have a bit more, is that greedy? Unless of course my husband was making millions and my income was pennies in comparison, but if my income is even half of his, I would still work. If this is your luck then congratulations 🎉 👏

To be honest, if you're happy with your arrangement then good for you, but I think to say you wouldn't find a man attractive if he couldn't keep you is rather shallow in my honest opinion.

If you’re happily married you don’t need to concern yourself with finding other men attractive.

I too had this mindset when I had young children. However as time passed I realised that I have missed out on having a career. Not a job but a career that would have been interesting and added another dimension to life, especially when children are older and no longer occupy every minute of the day . So I have shifted completely from feeling sorry for women who work to honestly feeling envious.

I keep my self i dont need a man for money when i earn my own.
And i would never rely on any man i was not raised that way.
I stand on my own feet always have if shit hits the fan no worries.

If i was with a man it would still be the same.
TBH your post screams gold digger if he cant keep me id leave him get in the real world and keep your self and show your kids a woman can do just as much as a man can if not better.

What happens if he loses his job and can only get a lower paid one? Do you divorce him?

yup. Stay away from the relationship boards OP...

Yet another 'happy' couple I know - 3 kids, SAHM - have split because he's screwing someone he works with and wants a different life ( one without his kids in it) and she is royally fucked. No job, hasn't worked in years, and he wants half the house now please so he can go play with his new girlfriend... which will leave friend with not enough money to buy a place and no job to get a mortgage with.

She has no pension because they were going to use his, and no savings as everything is in the business which is only his name, and the youngest child isn't even in school yet.

Are you not embarrassed that you can't support yourself?
You should be.

Let's hope he finds you not working or providing attractive.

In my experience,in a lot of situations, where the SAHM partner has zero ambition outside of being a mum & it becomes her whole identity. The man eventually finds someone with similar ambition and usually leaves for her.

I' not talking about couples who decide as a family that being a SAHP works of them. I'm talking solely about couples where it hasn't be a joint decision that both parties want.

What would you do OP if you DH for some reason was unable to work? Would you not find him attractive anymore if he could not longer “keep you”.
I personally find it really unattractive to want to be “kept”.

I find the ‘man earning the money’ idea deeply unattractive. It’s brilliant having a partner who champions women’s careers rather than viewing them as the default parent. We are all different.

There seems to be an influx of weird threads these days, what with the creepy SAHD thread and more...