If a man can't afford to keep me

[sunshinesparklestar]

I'm not sure how well this post will go down but AIBU to find it unattractive if a man can't financially support his wife and family? I mean to the point where the wife doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to.

I am a SAHM to my child who is now in school. I have been a SAHM since my maternity leave ended and I have no plans on going back to work. My DH runs a business and earns enough to comfortably support us all. I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

The main AIBU is to find a man who couldn't financially support his wife unattractive? There's a couple who live down my street and she has to work full time and I feel sorry for her leaving so early every morning and coming home way after her children have finished school.

I totally agree with women working if they want/need to but I can't help but feel sorry for them.

Absolute bullshit. You should be embarrassed to be so judgmental. If they're happy with their family set up then that's all that matters, a person's worth is not defined by their ability to generate income.

I don't agree with OPs opinion of men who aren't high earners (or specific gender roles) but that's just so belittling.

Yet another post, reading in the same style as someone who posted about being a sahd yesterday and another poster who started a post that spoke so disgustingly about women, it was removed.

Has someone sent a memo out to all incels for let's abuse women week?!

The idea of being a "kept" woman makes me feel vaguely nauseous.

Both DH and I are high earners, though I do outearn him by a small amount. We could probably get by comfortably on his wage, but I love my career, and the idea of relying on a man to finance my life makes me deeply uncomfortable. I would also have no interest in financing his life.

There are many SAHMs who end up in that position through circumstance and not choice. I fucking applaud them because it takes hard work. Those I know who have chosen to stay at home have saved previously and have their own nest egg so that they're not reliant on a man, or have some kind of family wealth.

I love and trust my husband deeply, but would I put my whole future, including my retirement, in his hands? No. That's not even taking into consideration his health. He was thrown off a horse a few years back and badly injured. He couldn't work. I could. Thankfully all is well now but if I'd have been being "kept" by him, I can only imagine the stress added to stress.

You don’t need to feel sorry for me love.

I like contributing financially to my family as well as being a mother. We aren’t in the 1950s anymore….

It's OK.
I have lived like that for thirty years without many problems.
Worry free, decent husband.
Obviously a controversial topic.

Would I love to not work - absolutely. Could DP support me if I don’t work - yes. Would he - doubt it. Could I live the life o want on 1 wage - no.

but… I don’t want to be kept, want independence, spend my money how I want to do it. I like my lovely things in life and proud I work to get them. I find ambition attractive and couldn’t spend someone else’s money.

DP and I love our holidays and nice things. Couldn’t do that with 1 wage. Plus I want my professional identity and own life. Admittedly I do more round the house and cook most meals. But DP does other stuff I hate. It’s a partnership

Did you by any chance post the other day as a man wanting to be a SAHD? This is very much giving the same vibes (Mysoginistic, looking to goad women in to saying things incels believe...)

I think I might need a bit more info before I believe this! A couple of grand in the bank for example does not equate to a steady income with sick pay and a pension, ability to raise a mortgage to buy a home etc…

It is just my personal opinion that I find a man attractive who can afford to give me the life I thrive in. He also finds a woman attractive who can run the home.

So what’s the AIBU? What do you want from this thread?

I’m guessing you think it’s some sort of stealth brag that you have found a man willing to keep you? I mean a lot of women find this a huge turn off. Being with a man who wants to keep me is literally my idea of hell so it’s not quite the smug gotcha you think it is.

But you crack on anyway if it makes you happy.

@SpottySpotSpots I was wondering that!

I would also never leave him if he could no longer run his business

Hang on, wouldn’t he be inherently unattractive at this point?

I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

Did you get those things from your parents or your earlier work?

I'm really glad that my husband could support us while my baby was young as I would have hated to put him in nursery or not able to breastfeed. In fact, when looking for a husband i wasnt prepared to have a child without being able to stay at home with them for the baby and toddler years. Luckily my husband agreed and earned way more than me. However, by the time he was 3 I was itching to get back to my career as I'm more that just a mother and I was bored to tears . I now work part time in the third sector but could quickly scale up to earning a decent wage should the need arise.

Honestly, I find ‘kept’ men or women a bit pathetic. Why wouldn’t you want your own money and financial independence? Plus, what on earth do you do all day while your kids are in school?

I would absolutely hate to be a ‘kept’ woman. It would feel like a failure to me personally.

I'm an each to their own person

If a couple decided between them that they are happy for one parent to be a SAHP while the other works then fine, even if for the first 4/5 years but no, generally in this case I think you UABU.

I have things in place which mean I would be financially secure if he was to leave me/pass away and for later in life.

Do these things you have in place include supporting your DH financially until he's on his feet again if the business went belly up?

So you're a kept woman?

As someone who's recently had to increase their working hours due to cost of living, I secretly agree with you. I'd love to have married someone who could afford to let me work less or not at all! I wouldn't say it out loud though.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong at all with women who work, I find it empowering! Most of the women in my family are business women, including my mum. I was raised in a highly successful family which encouraged me to stand on my own two feet but unfortunately I can not do that due to what I said in my previous post.

This post was not to put women down or men down. It is just something I find attractive.

🍿

Never grow a wishbone, daughter
Where your backbone should be.

My DH easily could. But he wouldn’t find it attractive being with someone with no ambitions or someone who doesn’t really contribute with anything to society really. Not a good role model for the children.

Was your mum the same as you, lacking ambitions?

Imagine the shock in a few years when the kids are annoying teenagers and he meets a dynamic, interesting, independent woman who doesn't need him to work his arse off while she sits around playing with her pets and saying, it's alright, I've got some money my daddy gave me.

His head will turn so fast it falls off 🤣

Fair enough. I've given her the benefit of the doubt.

She may have previously had a highly-paid career which allowed her to set herself up before starting her family. People have children later now once their financially comfortable.

She may even be a trust fund person who is accustomed to men providing for their families, so is attracted to nothing less.

I actually don't see anything wrong with what you wrote OP.

Personally, I work. Not because I have a burning desire to, but because although we could probably get by on just my partners wage, we would like to do more than get by. I have a job, rather than a career though.

If I were on the dating scene again I would absolutely 100% never date a man who didn't work, that would be a massive deal breaker. That doesn't mean that if my partner suddenly went bust I would no longer love him - we are a team, we'd sort out anything together. But I wouldn't willingly join forces with someone who was unemployed from the off. The two aren't comparable.

I actually think OP went a bit off the mark when she said she feels sorry for women who do want to/need to work - there's no need to feel sympathy for someone who is doing exactly what they want to do. People have their own goals and ambitions.
I guess if someone was desperate to be in your shoes then yeah, you feeling bad for them that they couldn't isn't awful though.

That’s the beauty of relationships - you’re entitled to find whoever you like attractive for whatever reason. Personally I’m not a fan of beards.

I am a bit confused though, you said he wasn’t in a position to support you when you got together and had to freeload off your family? Were you both unattracted to each other at the time as couldn’t support himself, let alone you, and you weren’t running a household?