To stop dating this man for this?

[Actuallyaperson]

Went on 7 really good dates with a guy. We had a really nice time and great chemistry.

Over the weekend was slept together for the first time and it was great. Admittedly, we did spend a lot of the weekend in bed, as two consenting grown-ups might do. I was definitely a very enthusiastic and consenting participant and had a good time.

The first text he sent me yesterday afternoon, however, was sex related. Not asking how my day was or what I was up to. No niceties. Just sex. We did chat about other stuff after that but it put me off.

I’ve just had another message from him this morning. No “good morning”, no formalities. Just talking about how he couldn’t wait to have sex with me again.

I was supposed to see him tonight for dinner but am short on time. We had talked about whether I might go to his place first, but I had made it clear it might not be possible.

When I reiterated today that it may just be dinner, he sent a list (A LIST!!!) of scheduling options so we could make the timing work to have sex before/after dinner.

I again reiterated that I really thought I’d only have time for dinner and he then proceeded to challenge me on why i couldn’t make the time, and why the suggestions in his “schedules” didn’t work.

Credit to him when I gave him another firm and pretty blunt “no”, he did apologise and said he was happy to wait for another time and just dinner would be lovely.

But now I really don’t want to see him for dinner either. It’s really put me off. I feel like I was a human being up to the point at which I slept with him, but now I’m just there for sex.

AIBU and over sensitive? Do I give him another chance?

Unfortunately whether you agree with it or not, 7 dates is not enough to know a person properly and sleeping together so soon makes a lot of men put the woman in the sex only compartment and dismisses them as being relationship material.

I'd bet good money that absolutely loads of happy long term relationships involved sex before date 7.

This guy is giving her the ‘ick’ and that’s all it matters, her gut feeling is telling her something and she’s questioning it (she shouldn’t), I’m sure most women here who were delighted to shag silly their new guy after a few days were not getting the ‘ick’ (hence the reason they were happy shagging their guy).

Always follow your gut instinct.

They absolutely do

What I'm struggling with on this post is that the everyone is ignoring the fact she said no several times and he keeps pressuring her to change her mind and demanding she changes her schedule for sex

Not only that, they are implying there's something wrong with her for saying no and that it's not normal early on in a relationship

No wonder men ignore consent when many women trot out the narrative there's something wrong with you if you say no

Bleugh 🤮 loser. Sorry OP, but unless you’re happy being a fuck buddy then I’d drop him like a hot, rotten potato

I think this poster is being very disingenuous. This a post they made previously:

LemonPeonies · 16/06/2020 14:26

@NoMoreDickheads it's like anything gets in the way of them getting their sex they can't handle it and throw tantrums! It's so entitled isn't it. He also used to show me articles and programs about how women owe men sex and in Russia etc they just have to give them sex, it was like a veiled threat. So glad I fucked him off and am now with a respectful and kind man (who is much hotter too)!

You looked up a 4 Yr old post without context 🤣. Good for you

Not that it's any of your business but that thread was about a past relationship with my ex husband who treated me like shit. The post were on now is an OP not fancying sex with a new date now a long term dickhead. Completely irrelevant. I wish I had time to search all your comments but I have a life outside mumsnet.

It reads as though you fucked him off because he couldn't respect your boundaries

Now your telling another woman that she is in the wrong and not right for the dating world for installing her own boundaries

You appear to have to got progressively worse over the last four years.

I looked at your posting history because I was struggling to believe you weren't a man. It was one of the first posts that came up.

The post were on now is an OP not fancying sex with a new date now a long term dickhead. Completely irrelevant.

You can't see it can you? It's is relevant because a man who pressures a woman into having sex and ignoring her when she says no, especially at such an early stage, is indicative of sexual entitlement and sets a precedent.

So ignoring someone's boundaries isn't treating them like shit or disrespectful?

The issue isn't the amount of sex, the issue is him not being able to accept her saying no.

Perhaps he's just more of a sex person than you are.

My husband and I were all about the sex in the early days, we texted about it constantly, and if we did have to meet for a quick no sex date due to timings, which did happen, we even made that about sex (teasing/building up the anticipation) if you see what I mean! So I'd do stuff like go to the loo and put my knickers in his pocket when I came back, knowing damn well he couldn't do anything about it....

We are now happily married so it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't like you as a person too - it's possible to like someone, love them even, AND simultaneously be completely preoccupied with banging their brain out......

But it may imply a mismatch. All you can do is spell out how you feel and see what his response is.

You've taken one comment out of hundreds, you know nothing about the relationship I was speaking about, or me. Take your assumptions and shove it 🤣

But what's the difference between her putting her boundaries in place compared to you?

It still blows my mind that you think ignoring consent is acceptable. Thankfully schools cover this in lessons so at least your children will learn consent and boundaries somewhere

When did I say I ignore boundaries? When did I say I have sex with people whether they like it or not? You're literally making stuff up. I stopped wanting sex with a dickhead but just had sex with someone else instead. He's not treating op like crap, he's probably just wondering why she's not in the mood, as anyone would. Why does that make him a villain?

It’s rape culture and as we see here both women and men are immersed in it.

Ha ha ha ha!

I love when people come with receipts 😂.

So they were trolling then or now. I wonder which it is…

She did not say she does not fancy sex with him.

Maybe that’s the bit you are stuck on. She cannot have sex on one particular day due to prior commitments and feeling exhausted after working 12 hours. And that she wants the relationship to be about more than just the sex he appears to be reducing it too. Not wanting sex in one moment does not mean not fancying sex with somebody at all.

Also his entitlement and trying to press her boundaries NOW is likely to be the kind of behaviour that results in somebody being like your ex-husband. Why would you tell a woman to ignore the behaviour that lead to you leaving your ex husband?

You don’t think exhibiting sexual entitlement and refusing to accept somebody’s no until they have to repeat themselves is “treating them like crap”?

How many “no’s” do you consider to be an acceptable amount?

Because the reason I refused sex with my ex was based on other behaviours. If I never fancied sex with my current dp Because I'd worked a long shift or only had a few hours so felt it more important to go out for dinner then I'd never have sex and he'd quite rightly get fed up. They're different scenarios, you've just run out of argument.

Hmmm….he’s not very skilled at wooing, is he?

If he was ‘really in to you’ , he would be pleased to see you over dinner ( and maybe secretly hope that you might change your mind after being subject to his charm over the table). But instead he is insisting that his need ( for sex) is more important than your need ( for something to eat and an early night).

Personally , I would Hope for better.

Because she said no, he asked again, she told him no and why, he then ignored it again and continued to badger her, along with a list of dates and times and tried again to badger her into picking a date for sex.

That's not even including the two messages he sent previously where he didn't even acknowledge her but straight into sexting

Yet you've come on and belittled her by saying good luck dating because that's what it's like and then you've gone on to say that his behaviour is normal for the early days of a relationship

Nothing is normal about trying to override someone's consent because it's early days in a relationship

But, in the early days, if you have said no, would your then boyfriend have accepted it? Or would he have pressured you multiple times to do it?

That's the issue yet the OP is being portrayed as the weird one for saying no and that it will be her fault if he goes elsewhere

Women really need to up their standards

I've not run out of any argument. The issue you're failing to acknowledge is consent.

Your literally a mouthpiece for all the men that can't accept the word no.

You're now even clutching at straws and making it worse by saying

If I never fancied sex with my current dp Because I'd worked a long shift or only had a few hours so felt it more important to go out for dinner then I'd never have sex and he'd quite rightly get fed up

OP has the confidence to say no to sex. That's her right, you haven't because if you did, your Husband would get fed up and you think that's normal?!

There's been days I don't want sex and so we don't, same with my husband. He doesn't force it or get fed up amd definitely wouldn't try to badger me into it and vice versa.

If the OP was your daughter, are you honestly telling me you would advise her that it's normal to be all about the sex on the early days and that her boyfriend badgering her was OK?

Would you tell your son that it's OK to ignore a girl who has said no to sex and to badger her till she says yes?

Bit gross, I like sex as much as the next person, especially the early days when it's fresh & exciting, but if I was looking for a relationship with someone I would expect the dating & getting to know each other & hanging out to continue with sex as a part of that, not the main reason to see each other.
Dating has changed a lot and it's very easy to get a purely sexual connection, however if you are looking for a relationship this (I think) has become more challenging.
You probably need to look elsewhere as he sounds juvenile and lacking somewhat if he creates a timetable of opportunities to have sex (unless it was a joke on his part)

It's deeply disturbing to suggest that there's anything wrong with a woman having boundaries around sex. The OP feels like she is being treated like a piece of meat and she finds it off putting. Understandably she wants to be treated as a human first and foremost.

Expecting a simple greeting in a text or being able to enjoy a meal without the pressure of sex after a long day at work is perfectly fine.

What is misogynistic is suggesting that if a woman doesn't open her legs frequently and enthusiastically that she cant be interested in someone or doesn't belong in the dating pool or indeed that her sex drive isn't healthy.