To stop dating this man for this?

[Actuallyaperson]

Went on 7 really good dates with a guy. We had a really nice time and great chemistry.

Over the weekend was slept together for the first time and it was great. Admittedly, we did spend a lot of the weekend in bed, as two consenting grown-ups might do. I was definitely a very enthusiastic and consenting participant and had a good time.

The first text he sent me yesterday afternoon, however, was sex related. Not asking how my day was or what I was up to. No niceties. Just sex. We did chat about other stuff after that but it put me off.

I’ve just had another message from him this morning. No “good morning”, no formalities. Just talking about how he couldn’t wait to have sex with me again.

I was supposed to see him tonight for dinner but am short on time. We had talked about whether I might go to his place first, but I had made it clear it might not be possible.

When I reiterated today that it may just be dinner, he sent a list (A LIST!!!) of scheduling options so we could make the timing work to have sex before/after dinner.

I again reiterated that I really thought I’d only have time for dinner and he then proceeded to challenge me on why i couldn’t make the time, and why the suggestions in his “schedules” didn’t work.

Credit to him when I gave him another firm and pretty blunt “no”, he did apologise and said he was happy to wait for another time and just dinner would be lovely.

But now I really don’t want to see him for dinner either. It’s really put me off. I feel like I was a human being up to the point at which I slept with him, but now I’m just there for sex.

AIBU and over sensitive? Do I give him another chance?

This would probably completely put me off and I would decline to see him again - but that is because I was constantly meeting men just looking for (at least it seemed that way to me) for sex.

However it may just have been a long time for him and he had a great time in general including the sex.

I suggest you have a conversation and tell him that his behaviour is making you think he is only after sex which is not what you are after at all. You want more.

His reaction to that and how he behaves afterwards will tell you if he wants to try a serious relationship with you or just wants a sex partner and then you can act accordingly.

…I dunno .. when I first had sex with my (now) husband of 20 years, all I could think about was when we would next have sex .. I talked about it with him all the time (early days of texting as well!), he liked that I was sexually very open, and was happy to talk about what I wanted. If it was a choice between eating, and sex, it would be the latter.
It was amazing sex, with someone I was falling in love with .. maybe I was a bit obsessed 😂😂

All these years on, still fancy him .. and tell him.. but these days, dinner would win !

@DeCaray

LOL!

This makes women reasonable for a man’s behaviour. Men don’t put women in the “sex only” category because a woman has sex with them “too soon”.

They know from the start whether this is a woman that they would be interested in potentially long term or not. Waiting to have sex won’t change a man’s mind, but it can, happily, lead to them seeing themselves out.

@Actuallyaperson So not only does he misread you completely but he doesn't have basic manners? You must be disappointed to find out now.
Challenging you as why you can't make it work is a little worrying.
At this stage, DO NOT explain anything anymore, if you tell him what to do he probably will. No, you need to see him 'in the wild' not teach him to play a better game.
Have dinner somewhere neutral. He sounds quite unconstructed so you'll know before pudding if he's worth your time or not and if not, no doubts, no regrets.

THIS!

What I loved about my DH is that even after we had already slept together we kept going out for dinners, house parties, bars, restaurants, visit places etc and sex was just something that happened in the end of the night. For me this man being all about sex would be a massive turn off and I widnf see him again as I would feel bored.

Touché! Although you're way of thinking is in the minority amongst the general population

I agree with taking longer to get to know somebody but not for the fairly misogynistic reason the other person has stated.

A man who is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman long term (and who is not a misogynist) will not be put off by having sex with a woman “early”.

Conversely a man who has no interest in a woman beyond getting her into bed is not going to change his mind because she made him wait longer for sex. The benefit of the latter is that he will likely see himself out / she can see what he is after and get rid before she is too emotionally invested.

It's really not a woman's responsibility to educate grown-up men, much better to believe them when they tell you who they are.

There is some clear water between “indifference” and “trying to push the topic after being told ‘no’”

Be transparent with him, most men struggle to read between the lines. Tell him you want more than sex and the fact he has only wanted to talk about sex since you had it is incredibly unattractive to you.

Actually,I'm in awe of the fact that you managed to have 7 dates with him before having sex! This is the reason I have given up on men. I got so sick of every single one of them expecting sex on the first or second date.

They gave a valid reason. Would you attempt to browbeat somebody if they gave a reason for why, on that particular day they would only have time for dinner? Do you not see value in their company outside of the bedroom?

Go for dinner and tell him how you feel. His response will tell you whether or not to see him again.

No it absolutely isn't.

Your are spectacularly missing the point.

Not once have I shamed or attempted to shame you for having lots of sex

However you are being mysoginistic by insisting the OP is abnormal for not wanting sex for 1 night. That's a typical bloke response who thinks they are that amazing thst no woman should ever say no to them

The issue as I've repeatedly said his him demanding she fits sex in, despite her saying No.

It's worrying you can't understand the rules of consent to be honest and that you think sex has to be a priority even if one partner says No and that sex should be happening regardless.

It's almost like you've been groomed and abused at some point in your life because you have no understanding of it

Some people just view relationships as more than just sex?

Evidently you are not one of them but you are brushing aside some disturbingly coercive behaviour from him and suggesting she is the issue for

• Wanting messages that start with a basic greeting / niceties before jumping into sex talk
• Having prior commitments and not being able to change
• Not responding positively to him trying to push past a no.

It was just one day she said would be dinner only. You are co-signing some coercive behaviour and dismissing fair criticism of his behaviour as “people not liking sex”.

Very odd.

Yuck.

I see why you are a bit meh about this (a list? Lol), but I would give him another chance. You like him, you had great sex - he’s probably cunt-struck and didn’t realise how he was coming across. Give him another chance and take it from there.

This is why it's good to wait

Where are you getting this data from?

You accused me of being a man because you don't like my point of view. Now you're accusing me of being an abuse victim because you can't see from my point of view. I can't see from the other point of view either but haven't called anyone anything. People think differently and this man isn't attempting to rape the OP, just trying to think of ideas over the obstacles OP has put in the way of having fun together that doesn't involve chatting over a table with food. Their priorities are different and that's OK. As you cann see other women on here have said the same as me so I'm clearly not the only woman with this perspective. I've said a few times she needs to find someone more on her wavelength and him vice versa.

From living in the real world

But as you can see lots of people’s real world experience is the opposite.

So where is your data saying it’s a majority that would welcome a man reducing all their communications to sex talk and trying to push past her “no”?

Can you hear yourself?

Why does a man think he has the right to overcome any obstacles that a woman chooses to put in his way?

Having sex before doesn't mean it gives automatic consent for any sexual activity after

What would you tell your daughter who come home and said "I've told my new boyfriend no to sex because he keeps pressuring me into it, what should I do?"

What would you tell your son who said "My new girlfriend had sex with me all weekend and when I text and asked for sex she said no, so I've given her a list and pressured her to change the plans to have sex and she keeps saying No, how can I get round it?"

You're over exaggerating, he was excited after their last sex filled encounter so started the conversation with sexual remarks, then tried thinking of ways they could have more sex when they see each other? Sounds like normal last and excitement to me. I've been guilty of those things and from past conversations with female friends when they're dating someone they like they definitely have to. What's your data?