To stop dating this man for this?

[Actuallyaperson]

Went on 7 really good dates with a guy. We had a really nice time and great chemistry.

Over the weekend was slept together for the first time and it was great. Admittedly, we did spend a lot of the weekend in bed, as two consenting grown-ups might do. I was definitely a very enthusiastic and consenting participant and had a good time.

The first text he sent me yesterday afternoon, however, was sex related. Not asking how my day was or what I was up to. No niceties. Just sex. We did chat about other stuff after that but it put me off.

I’ve just had another message from him this morning. No “good morning”, no formalities. Just talking about how he couldn’t wait to have sex with me again.

I was supposed to see him tonight for dinner but am short on time. We had talked about whether I might go to his place first, but I had made it clear it might not be possible.

When I reiterated today that it may just be dinner, he sent a list (A LIST!!!) of scheduling options so we could make the timing work to have sex before/after dinner.

I again reiterated that I really thought I’d only have time for dinner and he then proceeded to challenge me on why i couldn’t make the time, and why the suggestions in his “schedules” didn’t work.

Credit to him when I gave him another firm and pretty blunt “no”, he did apologise and said he was happy to wait for another time and just dinner would be lovely.

But now I really don’t want to see him for dinner either. It’s really put me off. I feel like I was a human being up to the point at which I slept with him, but now I’m just there for sex.

AIBU and over sensitive? Do I give him another chance?

How could anyone of average intelligence not realise that his first two texts of the day in the 48 hours after he first had sex with the woman he’s dating were only about sex, and that when it emerged their next date might be dinner- only, start trying to shoehorn sex into her tight schedule, providing her with a list of scheduling options that make sex possible in his eyes, and when she reiterates that it may not be possible, start challenging her on why his options don’t work?

I’m as enthusiastic about good sex as the next person, but this is a bit reductive and sounds tin-eared.

That would give me the ick too OP, and once you get that “ick” it never goes away and it’s usually downhill from there (at least for me). Nothing more off putting and icky than a guy you just me pressuring you for sex.

"Tin-eared" - exactly @DesigningWoman !

Ick.
Sex pest in the making.

I again reiterated that I really thought I’d only have time for dinner and he then proceeded to challenge me on why i couldn’t make the time, and why the suggestions in his “schedules” didn’t work.

You are not being over sensitive. This ^ is this massive glaring red flag. You've said no and he has continued with trying pester and not take no for an answer. It doesn't matter what your reason is, this is not acceptable behaviour, nor is it the behaviour of a mature man.

I'm not surprised that you've got the ick

I’d better tell my husband this news - he’s put me in the wrong category!

I’ve had a few very long successful relationships that lasted many years were we slept together on the first date and I believe they too put me in the ‘wrong category’. I need to call them and let them know.

Jokes apart, a guy who thinks you’re not ‘relationship material’ yet HE is after sleeping together on a first date is a misogynist with more red flags than a Putin convention and needs to be avoided at all cost.

I must also be in wrong category as has never made a difference if I sleep with them on first date or not. Always been in very long term relationships.

I could see this happening in some of my relationships where we were at it like rabbits and would have moved things round to sleep together at every opportunity and conversations were very sex focused.

But it bothers you so talk to him about how it has made you feel. I think a bit quick to bin him really, but you have to be comfortable.

Never made any difference to the length or quality of my relationships either. I actively wanted to have sex very early on to check compatibility. Nothing worse than falling for someone and discovering weeks or months in that you’re totally sexually incompatible.

SEVEN dates is soon????

I never had 7 dates with anyone without having sex, more like 3 or 4

happily married for 24 years now so it clearly didn’t put hubby off

he then proceeded to challenge me on why i couldn’t make the time, and why the suggestions in his “schedules” didn’t work.

It's this part more than anything that would completely put me off. And I don't know why you're crediting him for backing off at the second "no," because it shouldn't take a second one.

But now I really don’t want to see him for dinner either. It’s really put me off. I feel like I was a human being up to the point at which I slept with him, but now I’m just there for sex.

Don't second guess yourself. Your reading of him is that he sees you as a sex object, and it's probably correct as you are the one who's spent time with him. If you do meet him for dinner, what are the chances that he is going to push for sex and you have to say no a third time? If you think it's more than 0% then he isn't a good one.

Blech this would turn me off. But I dated someone who talked about sex all the time so I have ptsd when it comes down to things like this

I'd like to think I would have replied to the first Morell's straight into the sex text with 'who this' ?

It might seem shallow and I'm all for good sex but it really, really has to come in an interesting package for me.

Maybe one conversation but I'd just really not want to have to police him in this way. Pity. But there it is .

I actively wanted to have sex very early on to check compatibility. Nothing worse than falling for someone and discovering weeks or months in that you’re totally sexually incompatible.

This seems like a very odd approach to me. In my experience, couples become sexually compatible when they learn more about each other, and what the other person likes. It's not the sort if thing you can just decide after sleeping with someone for the first time!

Yes it's definitely tin eared, perfect description.

If you really don't want to go, that's absolutely fine, the scheduling was a lot in particular.

I just feel a lot goes awry via text. If all was well beforehand and he did apologise I might be inclined to see what happens in person, no expectations. Especially no expectations of sex.

Only because you've spent a fair amount of time together.

Before meeting DP, I got quite big on trying to bring dating into the real world and away from texting as much as possible and found it made understanding people's motives a lot easier, even when matches didn't work out in the end.

Ugh

Personally I'd move on. I don't see the point in having a conversation about it to tell him how it makes you feel. All that does is give him the blueprints for how to tell you what you want to hear. He is who he is.

This. But to suggest taking longer to get to know someone, and be wooed properly is not to be encouraged, it would seem.

Not unreasonable to be put off, I would be too.

Sex is important but one of the biggest indicators to me on if someone sees me as something more than that is by how they act when sex isn’t on the cards - such as if they still want to go for dinners etc on the days when we’re going home separately afterwards.

I remember once being out shopping, guy I was dating was at work but messaged to say he was leaving and if I was finished he’d come pick me up from the shopping centre (completely out of his way after a 12 hour work day) to save me getting a train, which he did and just dropped me home. Nothing in it for him at all. I find the little acts of service really important, and maybe you are similar?

But the difference is you were both in agreement at all times.

She told him Tuesdays date would be dinner only and he tried to change the time to have sex before or after, she said no then he sent a whole list of times and tried to force the sex into it and when she said no again, he began to challenge her about it.

That's where the problem is and the ick, he appears not to be able to understand the word no.

OP should be patronised and told "good luck in the dating field" because she has recognised a potential red flag where a man can't accept the word no.

He's acting as if he is entitled to sex now that you've done it. This would give me the ick too.

lol, the classic dating paradox. Both parties enjoy sex, and probably want sex, but the guy has to pretend he is indifferent about sex at all times so as not to seem like he is just there for sex.

On the plus side, at least you both enjoyed it. Clearly he did!

It's not patronising to suggest the majority of people will be excited about sex if they've been on several dates with someone, spent a weekend in bed. I would expect more of the same so soon in, not a sudden lack of enthusiasm. Personally I would lose interest if my date started suggesting dinner only and would wonder about lack of interest, as many others would.

She said dinner only because of other commitments.

Why is it acceptable for him to challenge it but not for her to say no?

Would you really enjoy sex if you had to badger your date into bed?

No I wouldn't, like I said I'd lose interest pretty quickly. I'd probably suggest takeaway and bed, plenty of time for both then.

When I reiterated today that it may just be dinner, he sent a list (A LIST!!!) of scheduling options so we could make the timing work to have sex before/after dinner.

^

OMG

Just no