To out-dessert my MIL

[MrsPassiveAggressive]

I’ve had an ongoing battle with my MIL over the years who doesn’t like to be upstaged, or for anyone else to get a compliment over anything.

We invite each other over for meals, and every time she undermines me. Every time she brings something that she has made, usually dessert, even when we say no need to bring anything. In the past she used to rock up with a main dish, now it’s the whole dessert with Tip Top and fruit.

The other thing is, my MIL is a dreadful cook. The reason why she is this, is because she puts no thought or love into anything. Because we once ate one of her dessert's, she now brings that every freaking time. It’s a cake. I measured it, and I kid you not, it was 1.5 cm thick.

Last time she came, she barely walked through the door and she told me there wasn’t enough to go round (other people there) and she had not made it for me, so,I wasn’t having any. She also brought other things, like nibbles, and said they weren’t for me. This is just f*cking rude. This is my house, and I’m the one doing all the work for the meal. When dessert came, my DC, being polite, had both this and the desert I’d made, and the other guests, DH’s siblings and BF’s had hers as they are too shit scared to upset her, but it’s ok to upset me, right?

Also, not trying to blow my own trumpet, but I’m a really good cook and baker. I’m asked to make cakes and desserts for other people. When I have guests over I spend a lot of time making an amazing dessert. One I made a while ago took me 4 hours to make, and it got loads of compliments.

The other thing is, if I went to my MIL’s house for lunch or dinner and I turned up with an unasked for dessert, she’d have a hissy fit. I’m just sick of her undermining me in my own home (tried in other areas of my life such as with DGC, but she failed) and others keeping quiet to keep the peace, happily letting me be upset.

I tried to say “oh thanks, we’ll have this tomorrow after dinner” but she got up and basically started serving it up. My DH knows this annoys me, so ate mine, and when she offered me the leftovers I said no thanks, I don’t want it. Before she gets here my DC tell me, oh FGS, she better not bring that cake again.

I know this is unbelievably petty, but this is the only person on the planet who brings the PA 12- year old out in me. I don’t like how I act around her, she brings out the worst in me.

So, AIBU to take her cake, and channel Nigella meets Hummingbird Bakery, and pull out a Bake Off show stopper of her cake just to put her back in her bloody box?

FYI she never takes any food to either of her DD’s houses.

If any crows are involved, they will never forgive her. It will be a lifetime of dive bombing, and they will tell their children who will tell their children. OP needs to send the MIL into the garden after the cake to make a big hoo-ha, just so the birds clock her face as "the enemy".

What a cow!
I honestly think I'd be so pissed off with her shitty attitude that I'd end up in a Mexican stand off, shoving the cake back in her hands while saying, 'We. Don't. Need. This.' I wouldn't give a shiny shite about being gracious or polite by this point.

Wine glasses tip very easily, or there's this...

You need to channel Bree Vanderkamp and politely and assertively stop her in her tracks.

"Oh, how delightful, I wouldn't want everyone to be over-full so I'm taking this cake and putting it in a tin for a different day," before she has chance to argue.

Or Mrs Frazzle, if that's more your style.
"Uhuh Barbara, we do NOT bring things we do not want to share to other people's houses. Nope- catch a bubble- you can choose, either share this with everyone or take it back to the car, what's your choice? Good choice Barbara!"

Perhaps bake exactly the same 1.5cm cake your DMIL makes and say yours was so good, I had to bake one for you!

Don't take wine or anything else. Just take the carbon copy of the crap cake.

maybe then she'll realise this is what she's doing to you.

Sometimes people don't understand unless the shoe is literally put on the other foot for them.

Then the penny drops.

When she rolls in with her cake I'd say "oh it's your signature cake again, how lovely, I'm going to make one for you next time I come to visit!"

And then do.

With tip top and fruit.

Just yuck is all I can say. Yuck yuck yuck. It all sounds grim.

I'd be inclined instead to get out a shop bought cake from Tescos, like one of those victoria sponges and then make loud noises about how delicious it is. Or perhaps just get it out of the box and put it on a plate and pretend you baked it - when it's abundantly obvious that you haven't.

I'd give up on baking with her completely. Go the other way. She obviously fears your Nigella within you and is feeling competitive/undermined.

Let her have her cake and eat it. And you have yours.

She's a rude bitch! Can't get over her saying there's none for you!

You should say brightly, "oh no problem you have yours, Maureen, the rest of us can have mine so you don't go short" and produce a masterpiece, and give her none of it.

But really I'd knock the dinners on the head.

@MrsPassiveAggressive

One I made a while ago took me 4 hours to make, and it got loads of compliments.

Any chance of the recipe? This sounds amazing.
(I realise I'm missing the point of the thread but I love a show-stopping pudding)

This reminds me of the thread where the OP threw a cake into the garden and put a whole on the roof of the shed..... or something like that.... it was hilarious!! 😂

Can you make a really fancy, elaborate version of the 1.5cm cake. Keep doing it until she runs out of cakes to make!

I would also take a really fancy cake to her house and if she was a strop, say you thought that was the etiquette as she brings cakes to yours.

If host tells you not to bring food you can still bring "something" that is not food that you will force host to serve that minute.

Packed sweets DIL loves
Something for children
Drink
Flowers
Plant
Nice spice or oil person can cook with
A treat for a dog

Or just fucking notging if you were told by an adult not to bring it and you have frequent visits.

😂😂😂

Here comes the cake again
Walking through the door like a tragedy
Falling on the table like a disappointment
I want to eat a Croquembouche
I want to make a Sachertorte
Want to dive into a custard fool
Oh no, MIL is that you?

I love this!
Also I read on here once about repeating things back to people so if you repeated back ‘this isn’t for you’ and then asked why what would happen?

That would really annoy me OP!

In your shoes, I think next time arrangements where being made I'd gush about a new desert recipe I couldn't wait to try. Talk about it any chance In the run up and even through out the night.

If she still shows up with hers hopefully everyone else will see what a twatish thing she does and feel awkward enough to say something.

Why do you put yourself through taking it in turns to do dinner for each other? It clearly isn’t enjoyable.

Don’t put yourself and others through it. Eat out or just stop it completely.

Buy four really cheap meringues and a carton of Elmlea. Proudly serve.

I’m not sure which is my favourite idea - frisbee cake or cushion cake.

Can your husband not just tell her to stop bringing cake? It's such a weird thing for her to do. She obviously feels very threatened by you. How often do you have her over?

Much as I love all the other suggestions, especially the frisbee idea, OP I think you need to play her at her own game, but without her realising...

MIL "I brought my cake"
You "Oh how marvellous, I knew I could rely on you bringing your lovely cake again. You always do, so I didn't bother making a dessert this time." (pretty much guaranteed to make her not bring it next time just to be awkward)
or
You "Lovely, well up to your usual standard I see."

MIL "You can't have any."
You (smiling absentmindedly, looking elsewhere and wandering off) "Good."
or
You "Fine, it would be a shame to spoil my diet by eating any of your lovely cake."

But what you really have to do is this. You need to cook the most enormous gargantuan repast you can manage:

Starter - Soup and a cornucopia of artisan bread rolls (that always fills people up).
Main - a huge casserole with dumplings like tennis balls, or a Desperate Dan cow pie, served in a giant Yorkshire pudding with coconut-sized jacket potatoes and every root vegetable known to man.
Drink - Merlot, Budweiser or cider.

Then (and only when everyone has had seconds, are full to bursting and groaning with intestinal discomfort), that's when you bring out the cake.

🙂

Two options in my book: sensible. And most satisfying.

Sensible: get DH to speak to her. Tell her you are both so grateful for the effort she goes to with the cake but you'd kindly ask her not to bring anything any more unless asked directly as the food you are making is being wasted, and you've also gone to a lot of effort. If she continues to bring cake it will either go in the bin or she will be asked not to come any more.

Most satisfying: play her at her own passive aggressive game. Take the cake and wreck it - accidental wine spillage, drop it, get it sopping wet. Say sweetly 'oh no MIL, I am so sorry. You went to SO much effort and it is wasted. We will have to eat my dessert instead, never mind.' With a clear look that tells her it was no accident- with no one else around who can back her up that you had that look on your face. If she says these snacks aren't for you - tinkly laugh, 'that's just as well as you'll need them because none of the food I've made is for you!' Tinkly laugh and then state you were only joking - with a look that clearly says you weren't. When MIL bleats to the others you can genuinely say you have no idea why MIL would be upset, you apologised profusely for the accident with the cake, and then you made a joke - of course you wouldn't be so rude as to tell someone they weren't allowed to have any of the food, who would do something that rude! Etc.

I'd recommend option 1 but love to see option 2 in action!

Absolutely make the cake! Reminds me of mine, who told me all the wedding gifts were for me (like dh isn’t going to use bath towels?) so the art piece they gave was only for dh. Wanted to say ‘Don’t worry I won’t look at it!’ Nut cases.

Oh fucking hell. I just wet myself laughing.

Next time, when people ask if you want them to bring anything, ask them all to bring a dessert.

I would take the showstopper to dinner at her house and say we'll you bring desert to us all the time I thought we will start doing the same. Then say how you think she will enjoy this much more.

I'd be annoyed with her "spraying her scent" in this way. She doesn't want to contribute to the occasion with nibbles/wine/flowers. No, each time she's saying "whatever OP provides won't be right for MY family, so I have to take a chicken and some Bessie's to make sure they're fed right". FFS!

I wouldn't get into a bake off with her but instead, next time I visited I'd take a bag of paper plates and plastic cutlery. As dinner is served I would silently lay them next to each place setting and encourage everyone to eat their meal from/with both sets. Take them everytime you visit, no matter what anyone says - your only helping out, right?!