To out-dessert my MIL

[MrsPassiveAggressive]

I’ve had an ongoing battle with my MIL over the years who doesn’t like to be upstaged, or for anyone else to get a compliment over anything.

We invite each other over for meals, and every time she undermines me. Every time she brings something that she has made, usually dessert, even when we say no need to bring anything. In the past she used to rock up with a main dish, now it’s the whole dessert with Tip Top and fruit.

The other thing is, my MIL is a dreadful cook. The reason why she is this, is because she puts no thought or love into anything. Because we once ate one of her dessert's, she now brings that every freaking time. It’s a cake. I measured it, and I kid you not, it was 1.5 cm thick.

Last time she came, she barely walked through the door and she told me there wasn’t enough to go round (other people there) and she had not made it for me, so,I wasn’t having any. She also brought other things, like nibbles, and said they weren’t for me. This is just f*cking rude. This is my house, and I’m the one doing all the work for the meal. When dessert came, my DC, being polite, had both this and the desert I’d made, and the other guests, DH’s siblings and BF’s had hers as they are too shit scared to upset her, but it’s ok to upset me, right?

Also, not trying to blow my own trumpet, but I’m a really good cook and baker. I’m asked to make cakes and desserts for other people. When I have guests over I spend a lot of time making an amazing dessert. One I made a while ago took me 4 hours to make, and it got loads of compliments.

The other thing is, if I went to my MIL’s house for lunch or dinner and I turned up with an unasked for dessert, she’d have a hissy fit. I’m just sick of her undermining me in my own home (tried in other areas of my life such as with DGC, but she failed) and others keeping quiet to keep the peace, happily letting me be upset.

I tried to say “oh thanks, we’ll have this tomorrow after dinner” but she got up and basically started serving it up. My DH knows this annoys me, so ate mine, and when she offered me the leftovers I said no thanks, I don’t want it. Before she gets here my DC tell me, oh FGS, she better not bring that cake again.

I know this is unbelievably petty, but this is the only person on the planet who brings the PA 12- year old out in me. I don’t like how I act around her, she brings out the worst in me.

So, AIBU to take her cake, and channel Nigella meets Hummingbird Bakery, and pull out a Bake Off show stopper of her cake just to put her back in her bloody box?

FYI she never takes any food to either of her DD’s houses.

Here's an idea, tell her that both she and her cakes aren't welcome any longer.

And play the end part of the 1812 overture!

She has obvioysly really annoyed you and the not for you stuff is rude.

But it is just a cake. Did you really measure it?

Her poor kids being too scared to have a bit of the nicer cake too.

If you're alone with her cake, maybe sprinkle some salt on it to see how far people will play along pretending it is nice.

I will disagree with most of the PP and say don't sink to her level and essentially green light her behaviour by doing it back.

I would message a few days before her next visit (ideally in the family group chat if you have one) saying that you have all the catering sorted so please don't bring anything. You need to do this far enough in advance that she can't claim to have already made it. When/if she shows up with something refuse to serve it, if she tries then say no and stop her and remind her of the message. Take the moral high ground but be firm.

Yes, this is how I feel.
I’ve gone to a lot of effort, and feel I’ve wasted my time.
TBH I don’t want to eat in their house, or DH’s siblings either, and I don’t want them here. I’d rather meet in a restaurant and everyone’s happy.

Pop it in the freezer to 'save for later' - by dessert time it will be half frozen and everyone can enjoy yours instead!

When she arrives with nibbles and cake, I'd leave the nibbles unopened and the cake on the side and hand back when she leaves. If she jumps up and starts serving the cake I'd say 'Oh Marjorie, I already made dessert for everyone. We'll have that tomorrow OR please take that with you, we have plenty' I'd say this in front of the guests.

Personally, I wouldn't be inviting her at all!

To answer your question- YES, please outbake her, a croquembouche is subtle and understated. Please report back afterwards. 😆

I know a MIL who was like this (she's dead now). It was an 'in joke' in the family that she expected enormous praise so we all tried to outdo each other and had to keep a straight face at everybody else's effort to flatter her. Although that sounds mean, she didn't ever notice. But it was rude of her. She'd breeze in and would need temperature controlled conditions to store her dish, never mind the many other dishes that the host would be dealing with at the same time. The whole table would be expected to express gratitude to the person who had done the least, unasked! I used to feel very resentful on behalf of the host.

I'd love for you to pull all the stops out and upstage her poor efforts!

Another thought, does she have a pet? If she brings a dessert, I'd hind either some of her pets hairs, or her own hair within in, then point them out loudly in front of the guests.

Just console yourself with knowing that one day, in [insert your preferred number of years here], she’ll be gone and the whole family will laugh at the memory of Grandma’s Manky Cake.

That is if she hasn’t killed you all with said cake first.

But it’s pretty clear that she’s not bringing something in appreciation of OPs efforts/hosting - she’s doing it as some weird sort of power play. I would also never turn up for dinner empty handed, I usually offer to bring pudding but if the host says no thanks I’ll get them some wine/flowers/chocolate etc instead. I wouldn’t dream of making and bringing a pudding if the host had told me not to.

Stop inviting her? Surely that's easier than trying to out-petty a petty arsehole? Because you know if you do the thing with the cake then you'll just be the mean, rude DIL who doesn't appreciate all the effort she goes to to bring you dessert. Poor old MIL, no one likes her cake and her nasty DIL embarrassed her on purpose and now has turned all the kids and grandkids against her! Waaaah waaah etc.

You're not going to get the scales to fall from her eyes with cake.

Id just stop making desserts. When the family complain make it your DH's problem to sort out; either he stops her bringing her dessert or that's all they get every time.

All a bit pathetic isn't it? If you know MIL brings a dessert, just let her, is it so difficult just to let her crack on?
Surely 'rising above' is the better way to be?

When invited for a meal at someone’s house I always ask if I can bring anything. They always say no. If I then took a dessert, that would be unbelievably rude.

Of course I never go empty handed, and take wine and flowers/ chocolates/ nice candle.

Can you message her before the next one - MIL, please don’t bring a dessert as DH is going to a lot of effort to make one so it might hurt his feelings if you upstage him with your fabulous cake!

Then you make the dessert as poor DHs didn’t go to plan/ran out of time/didn’t have the ingredients

Why can't DH tell her not to bring anything ?

Genius!

Surely 'rising above' is the better way to be?

Absolutely, and if you rise above 1.5cm, you win

Thing is, if you give her an inch, she’ll then start bringing other dishes. She’s done it in the past. I used to make a roast, with homemade massive Yorkshire puddings and she’d bring a chicken, and Auntie Bessie’s YP’s and we’d all be sitting there with an 8-hour slow roasted lamb shank, and a bit of chicken.

I just remembered that I have done this before. She used to make another cake and bring it all the time. It wasn’t even a dessert, more like a fruit loaf, and insisted we eat it. One day I just thought fuck it, and I got a really fancy version of it, soaked fruit, alcohol infused, beautiful frosting etc. It was amazing. Since no one wanted to upset her, they all ate both and she sat there really upset.

That cake has never been made since. There was a lull in this, and she’s started up again.

Could you and your family / guests take part in a completely anonymous vote as to whose is the best dessert, “ It’s just a bit of fun MIL, no need to flounce. Or slam the door.”

Or maybe you could Absent mindedly leave the back door open and hope that a random cough cough squirrel sorts it out for you. “ It must have thought there were nuts in there MIL, that’s why it’s dug that huge hole in the middle.”

When she brings her cake, say thank you, the birds will love it, and frisby the fucker into the garden.

Snatch it out of her hands, say, “Ooh, that’ll be lovely for the trifle!” Then crush it into pieces and dump it into a bowl.

I’d be pissed off too. It’s rude. Why can’t your DH tell her not to bring it?

We currently take it in turns to eat in each others houses. When I go to hers, I take wine and a small token of appreciation. I eat it, and say thanks very much, that was nice.

Why can’t I be shown the same respect?