My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

This is such a sad thread to read

You need to leave, he doesn’t see you as a partner. Life is too short for that and I’m speaking from experience. Thought me ex h was bad but this trumps him

@Sandywoes Really? You have to pay 50% of all the Bills, even although he earns a lot more than you? You absolutely don't you know. You both should be contributing to the bills on a pro-rata basis. So if he earns twice what you do ( from your full time job) he should be paying into the family bills pot 2/3 of the total and you should be only paying 1/3 of the total needed. That also includes clothes etc and other expenses for the children. That way you should both have some 'spare' cash to spend on things purely for yourselves

If he doesn't see that and instead is being angry you left your PT job he isn't exactly a Prince among men is he? Does he pull his weight with 50% of the housework - like cleaning, cooking, and 50% of the work involved with the children. You need to sit down and discuss this with him calmly. What ages are the kids?

I am worried you are even questioning your partner's behaviour. It's completely out of order. I am also worried you have a tendency to put up with shit behaviour. Personally I would have quit long time before someone would even try to swear at me. It seems to me you are a people pleaser. Please do consider counselling to get out of this soul destroying behaviour. It would be money well spent, in my opinion. I hope it helps

You are absolutely an abused woman.
Please call Womens aid for advice.
This is a truly horrible man.
Please help yourself by approaching domestic abuse services.

Your DP sounds horrendous. You were absolutely not being unreasonable to leave your PT job. However, it is a shame it was you who felt the need to leave and the 2 guys who shouted at you weren't dealt with instead.

Your DP should be more concerned that you received such appalling and scary treatment at work, rather than how it makes him look. Quite frankly, he is doing a pretty good job of making himself look bad.

The issue around the PT job sounds like just the tip of the iceberg to be honest. Is this really the sort of man you want to be with? Someone who doesn't care if 2 men scream at you at work and is only worried about how he looks and how much money he gets to keep! Honestly, he sounds quite abusive (just not the obvious physical type)

Your partner is an abusive dick!

He's happy for you to work yourself into the ground whilst he swans off ! Nope you need to leave - with your FT job plus CMS / benefits you will be so much better off (and not as tired)

He's annoyed you quitting a part time job makes him look bad because he is financially abusing you, you need to leave him and let your full time employers know what's going on.

You work for the public sector, they should have someone you can talk to. Get legal advice from a solicitor. Phone Women's Aid. Make sure you have equal claim on that house.

There's no way he splits 50/50 housework, household admin and looking after your children if he's swanning off again on a lads holiday.

Running yourself into the ground for this man is not good for the children either, they need their mum to be healthy and happy.

1. your ‘partner’ is the one being unreasonable about the job, not you. He should be supporting you.
2. If you don’t share finances you should both be contributing to the household in proportion to your incomes. If he earns a lot more than you, then he should pay in more than you to cover the family expenses, especially when you’re already working full time - you shouldn’t have to take on extra work on top of a ft job whilst he has plenty of money to spare. That is incredibly selfish of him.

Urgh, he sounds horrible. Paying in proportional to your salaries when you have a family is normal. So you’re having to have a full time job and a part time one to equal out the payments? What a horrible man (yes I’ve said it twice).

Exactly.

He’s a massive arsehole. LTB.
Hugs to you. That sounds shit

Ditch him. He's financially abusive.

Dump that wanker. He doesn't have your back in any way at all. He's using you financially; from this he doesn't appear to give a shit about you emotionally. You deserve better than that. Sometimes better is being skint in a rented house and being in charge of your own life. Better does not always mean financially stable and easy (and you don't have the luxury of that anyway,as you live with a financial abuser).

With all kindness-I think you are realising it now or will soon realise that you are in an abusive situation. Thank goodness you posted on mumsnet so others can open your eyes, you are luckier than most. You've tried asking him to be fair about finances, he doesn't give a hoot about you and how much you work. You being abused like this gives him more money to 'go away with the boys' while you stay in financial constraint, domestic drudgery and are probably exhausted.

Your next step is, of course, to leave him. You'll either do this soon or you'll kick the can down the road, put up with it for a few more years and leave then but in a worse position. However, you'll need to leave.

You will probably convince yourself you can't afford to leave. You can. You sound like a resourceful woman who already has a job and can turn her hand to another one if she needs to.

You will split the equity in the house, you will apply for Universal Credit and get 85% of your rent payments paid on the new house you'll rent with your children. You will only be responsible for half the childcare costs. He will be paying you maintenance. You will have all the child benefit too. He will also be having the children half the time so you can work more if you like. You'll invest the lump sum from your house and build yourself a nest egg or, decide to work less hours.

You can build a new, brighter future

This. You probably feel that you don’t have the energy to leave him, OP, but I think you’ll have much more energy and lust for life when you aren’t being financially abused by this man who doesn’t care about you. Do it for your children and yourself.

Have you tried one of those entitlement/benefits calculators to see how much better off you’d be alone? It may mean renting but it sounds like you’d be much better off…especially emotionally. And he’d have to pay maintenance for your kids. And it sounds like it’s not one of those jobs where he can manipulate his earnings to pay less.

This is definitely financial abuse OP and it makes me so sad for you.

Why should you be penalised fot having to take time off to have and care for DC when their his DC too. Without your support working around child care needs he wouldn't have been able to devote as much time and energy progressing in his job. He wants kids and the benefit of you taking on their needs and childcare and working around them but you're not allowed to benefit from the result of taking the load so he can focus on work. He's a selfish arsehole and a user.

My heart so goes out to you. Wish I could give you a proper hug.

I read this below and thought WTAF! (I hope these fucking bastard arseholes are going to be disciplined!)

2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing.

I cannot believe you experienced that and your partner is worried about HIMSELF??!

And then read the rest of the thread about what you're enduring with your partner. It is financial abuse. Please go see Women's aid. Life could be so different from you.

This thread has actually given me tears in my eyes.

Lots of ways to manage finances, but this seems really unfair

I'm guessing it was his idea

Your p doesn’t care about you at all. What a hideous human he is!
You need a separate bank account and to not pay into the house. Is the house in both names? If not, I wouldn’t be paying ‘his’ mortgage.

What needs to happen for you to be able to leave this controlling and abusive man, @Sandywoes ?

Yes, this is both financial abuse and coercive control!

Please speak to Women's Aid and consider doing the Freedom Programme.

But above all else, start putting your needs first and work on getting out.

NB: what would he do if you simply stopped contributing more than the equivalent proportion of your wages?

Fucksake. Ask him why you should be penalised for having borne his children.

“Penalised?” Wow. DH earns more than 6x my salary. We both work FT, and if he expected me to work a PT job to make up some of the difference, I would be livid. My time in my FT job takes up just as much time as his time in his FT job. Part of the reason I’m behind is that he’s progressed with his career without taking parental leave, without sorting out school runs and childcare, not missing out on any business trips abroad, not missing out on any overnight conferences, etc. I was picking up those loose ends and making my career fit around the kids. If I wasn’t around and he was a single dad, there is no way he’d be where he is in his career today.

Maybe because the partners higher income made a larger mortgage possible. OP is trying to fund, 50/50, a lifestyle affordable to someone who earns much more.

The issue is not the OP's income, it's the fact that her partner is a financially abusive arsehole.

Oh dear

You really do have a DP problem

None of that is fair