My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

You call this man your partner, but he doesn't seem all that interested in being in a partnership with you. He sounds very much out for himself.

DP earns a lot less than me, part of that is down to the type of work we each do, and part of it is down to the fact she's taken time out of work for maternity leave etc.

We don't have "my money" and " her money". It's all "ours". But even when we didn't keep finances separate, she paid a much lower percentage of the monthly bills etc than me.

Please leave this horrible man.

I bet this is overwhelming, but it is supportive.

I think he has failed to contribute equally to your household. He has contributed nothing to the pregnancy and birthing of your dc.

Hormones aren't the problem here, OP; your DH's appalling behaviour is.
YANBU.

This really isn’t OK - you are a couple and your money should be shared, and you should have equal spending money.

The fact you have to work extra hours because he isn’t paying his fair share is a huge red flag.

Can you change this system?

Why aren't you married? Does he not want to get married?

Sorry to say this, but as he only cares about himself, and wants to “have his cake and eat it”, I wouldn’t be surprised if the “boys weekends” involve “”socialising”” with other women

It’s also really not helpful that you aren’t married.

Would he marry you? This would help in the event of a divorce (which you should get if you can possibly afford to)

You should consider letting your husband read this thread. He is behaving like an absolute swine and he needs telling so.

As far as the job goes, you were right to leave. You shouldn’t need to look for a replacement job either.

I'm so sorry op. Your partner sounds like an abusive dick. You must be exhausted. Have you considered leaving? Financially and emotionally, it sounds like you would be much better off.

Your partner is a twat and I hope you are planning on leaving him in near future. It disgusts me how he is not willing to take care of his family and expect everything to be 50/50.

You are being financially abused. You work two jobs as your partner is refusing to pay a bigger share of bills due to his higher paying job. This is NOT normal.

Is it really worth staying in this ‘relationship’. What do you get out of it? You are less than a flatmate.

He also does not give a fuck about you being abused by his colleagues.

You need to see a solicitor asap and see what your financial options are.

Your husband sounds financially abusive.

This is financial abuse.

Gosh OP. Sorry but he sounds financially abusive. That isn’t fair or right in a partnership.

My DH currently earns a lot more than me and we don’t split anything 50/50. All our money goes into one pot.

I have earned more than him in the past and that’s what we did.

Work out what percentage of him income he contributes, then adjust your contributions to a similar percentage and pocket the rest. When he complains tell him you shouldnt be penalised for being on a lower salary.

Obviously you probably won't do this because this selfish and abusive man has got you downtrodden.

He is not your partner - partners share and support.

I read your posts and honestly want to cry for you @Sandywoes . This man is treating you awfully. I know it’s hard but you really need to stand up to this man and demand a fairer financial set up, or leave him. What he is doing is abuse of you.

He knows full well that you have taken a huge hit to your career and earning potential by having his children. He is happy for you to be penalised for this…….. yet he shouldn’t be penalised for earning more than you wtf?!

This man sounds like a sexist pig. Who thinks you are just there to facilitate his life.

He's not a partner in the sense that your a team. I would dump him he's financially abusive. You had to pay 50/50 even when you where on maternity leave. He's a pig.

Does he do at least half of the housework, cooking, dropping children at childcare/school, home admin etc? Since he works less hours than you?

Or does he think that because he earns more money than you (even though he doesn’t share it with you) that you should do all the work at home too?

Not everything has to be 50/50, people contribute according to their means. I mean, did he birth 50% of your babies?

He’s an absolute disgrace for making you go into debt during mat leave. Then again you’re mad for letting him anywhere near you after that, I am astonished you had a second kid with this tightwad.

Work it out proportionally and don't pay a penny more

@Sandywoes I'm really sorry you experienced this. It wasn't okay and your partner should have supported you.

This is a much bigger problem. You should be paying a % not 50% each. This is not a fair relationship. Please have that hard conversation with him and see what he is doing to you is absolutely not okay. You are the mother of his kids and are not only working full time but having to work in excess because of his selfishness.

Edited to add I agree with others you are being financially abused.

I don't understand this. What's the point in being married if your DH is watching you exhaust yourself just because of some arbitrary 50/50 rule. He should be a support to you, not a source of stress

If he insists on 50/50 then he has to downsize to your level where you can comfortably pay your way on one income. Though really, it should be split according to proportion of income or, better yet, all money pooled and shared equally.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this but he's just had a new (to him, not brand new) car delivered. I knew nothing about this. He already has 2 cars and a van.

Wow. Do you want the situation to continue ?