My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

You really don’t.

He sounded bad enough in the OP, he should be defending you not thinking it will reflect badly on him. If 2 men made me cry my DH would be furious with them not me.
Having you work a full time job and a part time job whilst you have children is awful too. It sounds like he could easily contribute more money so you are not having to work so many hours. You must be exhausted and have little time for your children or yourself.

So true. This guy sounds like a totally entitled a-hole. What an absolute charmer to make the mother of his children exhaust herself mentally and physically so he can hang on to 'his' pocket money.
Yuck yuck yuck. Dig deep for that inner strength op. You will find a better life.

I'm a man and I use the dadsnet bit of this and this just popped up.
First of all I would like to say that the two blokes who shouted at you need a really good talking too, if I was your partner that would be what would cause problems at work, I would have never let anyone speak to my ex wife like that, she worked in a pharmacy and I did the deliveries, so one day when someone was having a go at her, she was looking at me shaking her head as she knew I was getting worked up, she then said to them when it's sorted she would get the driver (me) to deliver it, which I kindly did.
She came home the next day and asked what I have said to him as he came in and was extremely apologetic to her, I said nothing he must have had a change of heart, she said she knew I had because he was always grumpy and never like that, which he stayed like after.
I just told him that I was her husband and how dare he speak to a woman like that especially my wife, he tried to deny it but I told him I was standing behind him and he was lucky she didn't want any problems at work.
Sorry for the long message but I want you to see how your partner should have been, I don't mean him confronting them, I mean supporting you and then as he has been promoted he must be doing good there so he could take matters further with the management. Which he should still do, otherwise they could do it again to another woman who may be unable to deal with it at all. Let me know the company, I'll pay it a visit.

To me he seems to want to live the high life. He's using you as a cash cow.

My husband and I split our bills fairly as his income is twice mine he pays the lions share So he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3 if we go out to eat we take turns or we share or depending upon who has more in their bank at that time/can afford it etc. Money has never been a contention in our marriage as I gave up years of my career for our kids So he got promoted therefore earned more.

Your "partner" I say that loosely as he doesnt act as one is all about him and doesnt seem to see you lost out to have your children.

Personally if i was you, when he goes away on his next lads holiday pack up his belongings and put them in storage tgen change the locks. Get everything in place ready for his one way ticket out of that door.

You'll find youll get plenty of moneyvout of him then! And as a mother you will have a right of residency in the family home. But check all your rights with CAB or womens aid first. Make sure you dot your i's and cross your t's.

Good luck

How does it reflect on him? I don't understand? Surely he should be more worried about the the notion that your fine with being spoken to like shit by stupid men and how that might actually reflect on him??? Oh ffs "Down with men"!!!!.

Do you share the children, op - are they yours and his? Have you ever spoken about marriage, either before or after having children? If so, did he tell you "we don't need to get married to show how much we love each other", "marriage is just a piece of paper" etc? If so, he's protecting his wealth and his own interests at the expense of your wellbeing and comfort. You had to get an additional part time job for extra money because he makes you pay 50/50 for everything, knowing you cannot afford it, while he squirrels money away for himself to go on boys only breaks. I'm so, so sorry you're in this vulnerable position. He's an absolute tosspot and has you right where he wants you.

In relation to the work incident, if he was any kind of a decent man, he would be encouraging you to make a formal complaint while supporting your decision, and telling you he'll re-ratio the mortgage and bills more fairly in future to enable you to have a similar standard of living to him.

Jesus wept. I cry that so many women find themselves in shit relationships like this and think that's all they're worth.

Your paying 50% during maternity leave and while your work was reduced so you could look after the kids is exploitation of your reproductive labour. He earns more not because he has worked harder. You have taken hits to your career due to bearing him children.

I would say hormones are irrelevant. You were treated badly and suffered symptoms of anxiety as a result.

Based on personal experience, the best thing you can do is nip it in the bud before it becomes GAD.

How your husband feels is for him.to manage. He needs to work on how to deal with what is outside his control.

How you feeling is for you to manage, which is what you have done.

how you're feeling

OP
I am so sorry you find yourself in this sulituation.
I know it seems insurmountable but your “partner” is simply taking the absolute pi55.

please take care of yourself and make steps to get away from this relationship - he may not physically abuse you but make no mistake this is abuse.

you and your children would be much better off without him - and don’t forget you’d claim child support from him if you weren’t together so you may well be better off - you certainly can’t be worse off.

this sort of situation makes me so angry and so sad in equal proportions - we women are so used to just shutting up and putting up and that needn’t be the case

take care OP. I really want to give you a hug.

Eff that. This and the fact that he berated you for leaving a job that you only have to do because of this stupid rule, one where you got verbally abused at, means he is absolute trash.

I know it’s far scarier, but if you are the type of person to be able to advocate for yourself and realise that the guys at work were completely wrong and you wouldn’t let yourself be treated like that, then you need to look again at this situation with fresh eyes and realise you won’t allow him to treat you like this either.

Working 52 hours a week, plus doing childcare and general house stuff so he can basically put your wages into his savings? You’d never let a friend be treated like this by her partner so be your own friend and tell yourself what you’d tell her.

What a horrible person! Even if he was right about splitting things 50/50 because he ‘deserves it’ (he’s not!), as if he couldn’t have paid for you to go on the hen do anyway when he has so much spare cash and you otherwise couldn’t go.