My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

The finances have always been that way (9+) years. I'd posted about that before, it doesn't feel fair but this is unfortunately the position I find myself in. We've always paid 50% in to joint expenses, even when I was on mat leave (2 DC) and working PT to fit around nursery/school times. I have no savings now. Its linked I guess to the situation but I hadn't included it because last time I asked I got berated by people saying I've out myself in this position being unmarried. I've accepted that now and I'm just trying to get myself in a better financial position so that gives me more options in the future.

Eh? It should be proportional to your income eg 70/30, 60/40 etc.

Your DP isn't showing himself in a great light here between that and his attitude.

I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more.

Tell him you can't afford 50/50. What does he do with his spare cash?

Have you considered leaving him op?

He is both horrible and financially abusive.

What joy does he bring to your life?

I would be doing some research in to the finances and logistics of leaving if I were you.

This

the fact you say you have to cover 50%;of the bills which meant you took another job and still onky make it, not because the money isn’t there but because he keeps it for himself

that isn’t apartnership

You're in a relationship with a shit. Your focus needs to be getting out of the relationship. Do get yourself another job, save as much as you can, reduce your expenses wherever possible and get as much advice on what you are entitled to as possible.

I'm so sorry, what an arsehole.

Wow. This isn't a partnership OP. Your OH sounds like a twat. I'm sorry your in this position :(

You are being financially abused by this arsehole.

Who does he think he is?

Wow he’s an arsehole. So he doesn’t want to be penalised but he was quite happy for you to be financially penalised by having children and going on mat leave?

Totally agree

I've tried, believe me I've tried. He does plenty! He's got lots of disposable income. He's worked hard for that I absolutely understand but it does hurt. He's going away with the boys again soon for a long weekend abroad. I couldn't even afford to go on my friends hen do at a heavily discounted rate because someone else dropped out.

So what happens to the rest of his money?

This is financial abuse.

OMG, why would he want someone he loves living the way you "have" to?

I'm sorry, but you'll be much happier without him, for numerous reasons.

... because you're a family and he's part of it and that's what decent partners do. What does he do at home, I'd lay odds he doesn't pull his weight there either.

He has a tiny point in that the culture of public service employment is probably to take sick leave while an incident is investigated. You have now been penalised for someone else’s behaviour.

However he doesn’t have your back which you already know.

Suggestion to consider- get your wage paid into your own account. Start paying into the joint account proportionally to your income.

See what he does about it.

Before you do that though, I’d check in with women’s aid or similar and work out what you’d be entitled to living alone. It may be your best option.

Sounds as though he’ll go for fifty fifty. What’s the housing situation? Joint names?

Effectively he’s getting his own way because he’s a bully. You’re afraid to challenge him.

This is not fair. You have kids. The childcare he pays 50% for enables him to earn more money than it enables you to earn.

It would be much fairer to contribute to joint costs pro rata to income.

Maternity and other childcare issues caused to slow down on promotion prospects and savings. He didn’t seem to think THAT should be paid 50%, to produce HIS children!

Is your name in the house deeds?

So he doesn’t want to be penalised but he was quite happy for you to be financially penalised by having children and going on mat leave?

//

This with bells on

OP I agree with others that this is sounding like financial abuse

Why do you have to pay 50/50.
I pay half of what DH pays into our house because I earn half of what Dh earns.
Can't you both pay percentage?

I do all the child Care through the week when DH is at work then I go to night duty.

So he’s refusing to take you on the family holiday because you can’t afford to pay 50% despite working two jobs?

What a little shit. Look seriously into how you’d manage if you split. You said you aren’t married - are you at least on the deeds to the house? I have a sinking feeling that you probably aren’t but are still paying 50% of the mortgage….

Did you pay equal amounts when on maternity leave?

@Sandywoes 50/50 for finance is a good approach for new relationships but once you have kids then that isn't sustainable and a balanced approach is needed so you both have equal amounts left over.

You need to stand up to your DP and tell him either you're a team/family unit and finances are shared or you're not a family and he can leave.

He sounds VERY controlling with money! Having to work 2 jobs just to keep up with your half of the payments is crazy!