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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

388 replies

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:23

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
pitterpatterrain · 31/08/2024 11:48

thedevilinablackdress · 28/08/2024 09:41

When DH earned more than me, he put more into the joint account. Now it's reversed. A decent partner wouldn't see you working an extra job on top of full time, just so you could be 50/50.

Edited

This

misscris · 31/08/2024 11:55

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

Why are you splitting the bills 50/50? If you want/need to keep separate accounts, then you should be sharing the bills proportionately to your incomes. For example if he earns 300 to your 200, he should be contributing half as much again as you do. As soon as we were married, we opened a joint account and both our salaries went into that, the household bills were paid from it and we both kept separate (small) accounts for personal spending, like buying each other’s birthday presents from. When we had children and I stayed home to look after them, I contributed nothing except my time - my husband’s salary had to cover everything. It was tough for a few years, but once they were both at school, I was able to work part-time and we could take a holiday with my earnings.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/08/2024 12:03

so are household tasks, childcare and cooking all split 50/50 as well as the finances?

husbandcookingtonight · 31/08/2024 12:55

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:45

I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more.

Show quote history

But you are being penalised on two fronts...you are working more and earning less and it's not your fault that your wages aren't the same as his.
He sounds like such a cruel man quite happy to see the women he supposedly loves working to the bone and having no respite what a tosser

misscris · 31/08/2024 16:41

Anyotherdude · 30/08/2024 12:36

Making you take on a second job just so you get to keep some personal money sounds awfully like coercive control/financial abuse to me.
If he is earning E.g £70,000 and you are only on £30,000, his contribution should be 70% of bills - minimum!
I’m going to guess he doesn’t do more than 50% of childcare in the home, or chores, either?

I’m guessing he does the bare minimum of child care. Possibly “watching” his children in the evening while she goes to her second job. OK, I worked evenings when my children were young, but I was a SAHM and my earnings gave us the chance of a camping holiday - not a “long weekend abroad” as OPs partner seems to be doing.

tuvamoodyson · 31/08/2024 16:47

Immemorialelms · 28/08/2024 09:59

BWAHAHA
HE HAS NO MONEY it would ALL be split in the event of a divorce especially if you can evidence the payment of bills and your contribution to childcare.
You need to take this financially abusive arse to the cleaners.

Who owns the house?

Also why didn't you say when he says "why should I be penalised for earning more" - fine you do all the children and I will work FT!!

They’re not married.

Maninpeace · 31/08/2024 20:39

Anyone or any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, because someone or multiple people make you feel uncomfortable is not a situation you need to be in. You did right to jack it in and he should support you.

jrc1071 · 31/08/2024 20:50

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

why are you paying 50% of the bills when you make less? ¨

this shoudl be based on earnings. If your DP earns 70% of the total family income (based on 2 FT jobs... do NOT count your PT)... he should pay 70% of the expenses.

BC the way it is happening now, he gets more money to spend on himself and you get next to nothing until you are working 150%. Not appropriate.

BTW who does the bulk of the childcare??? Is THAT split evenly 50 50???

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 31/08/2024 20:57

It's bullying in the workplace and they should have told your manager to speak to you not attacked you. Your partner should have asked if hr had got involved and backed you up not made you feel worse. At the end of the day a large portion of that extra income will be going on tax etc and it's not worth it if it's creating unnecessary stress for you.

Makingchocolatecake · 31/08/2024 22:52

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:34

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

Surely if you earn 70:30, you split the bills 70:30 (or whatever the ratio is)

ellyeth · 01/09/2024 00:35

It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure anyway - having a full time job and another part time job.

I think your partner is totally out of order being angry with you. He should be angry with the men who bullied you, and should be supporting you - and he should be paying more for bills if he is earning more. Presumably, he has extra cash to spare, while you have to do another job on top of your full time one. That is disgusting. There are some bloody horrible men out there.

BlueInk1234 · 01/09/2024 01:35

Oh this sounds awful! I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m more sorry that you are with this guy. Why are you staying with him? He sounds more like a room mate than a partner

Abab11 · 01/09/2024 03:19

Why on earth are you paying 50% of the expenses when he earns a lot more than you?! I completely disagree with that idea! You both bring in what you can, you work FT, surely that’s enough and he accepts that in marriage you are a team!
And that’s unfair that he hasn’t been more supportive over your decision to leave the PT job, I’d have expected him to be supportive of you and to comfort you! Sounds controlling and a bit of a bully!

CollsR · 01/09/2024 11:49

Wow! You are not being unreasonable. Good you quit. Don’t find a new job. Find a new financial arrangement.

Take some time to work out how to get your point across. Then give him notice you need a serious talk when kids are in bed & lay it out.

Some simple points to say to him:
*Why should you be penalised by missing out on important time with kids because he wants to live a materialistic life?
*If you want to stay together & he insists on splitting things 50/50 then you needs to downsize your whole life to one that’s affordable for you. If he wants a different life, and can afford it for the family, why shouldn’t he pay?
*Have a look at Dave Ramsay financial advice for couples (even if you are unmarried).

Goodluck! Time to end this madness. Over 9 years of this silly rule is more than enough!!!!!!

Lampzade · 01/09/2024 12:26

There are some really shit men out there.
Dh gets on my nerves sometimes but he would never expect me to pay 50% of all bills when he earns more than I do.
In fact, he wouldn’t want me to do an extra part time job

AmIEnough · 02/09/2024 08:56

justanothermumsy · 28/08/2024 10:24

With all kindness-I think you are realising it now or will soon realise that you are in an abusive situation. Thank goodness you posted on mumsnet so others can open your eyes, you are luckier than most. You've tried asking him to be fair about finances, he doesn't give a hoot about you and how much you work. You being abused like this gives him more money to 'go away with the boys' while you stay in financial constraint, domestic drudgery and are probably exhausted.

Your next step is, of course, to leave him. You'll either do this soon or you'll kick the can down the road, put up with it for a few more years and leave then but in a worse position. However, you'll need to leave.

You will probably convince yourself you can't afford to leave. You can. You sound like a resourceful woman who already has a job and can turn her hand to another one if she needs to.

You will split the equity in the house, you will apply for Universal Credit and get 85% of your rent payments paid on the new house you'll rent with your children. You will only be responsible for half the childcare costs. He will be paying you maintenance. You will have all the child benefit too. He will also be having the children half the time so you can work more if you like. You'll invest the lump sum from your house and build yourself a nest egg or, decide to work less hours.

You can build a new, brighter future

Absolutely beautifully put! OP pleased read this, take note and look after yourself and your beautiful children. I wish you all the best.

LinaLouLa · 02/09/2024 11:21

Sandywoes · 28/08/2024 09:45

I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more.

Show quote history

But you are being penalised (more) for earning less!

AllGoodNamesRGone · 02/09/2024 13:09

CatsandtheBear · 28/08/2024 09:39

Yes it was his only job.

I guess my point is that a spouse should care about the other person's mental health and OP's husband is only kicking up a fuss due to appearances vs it affecting him financially (which seems so selfish and coldhearted).

I know a lot of people who have moved jobs and left jobs due to hating it or mental health. It's a part of life and something to navigate as a team.

I really don't think OP's husband has any right to be angry and it says a lot he is okay with her being sworn at and berated by colleagues.

Also, this is yet another example on MN of women paying 50/50 despite wage discrepancies and running themselves into the ground.

Imo all things paid should be a proportionate percentage to wages so each have the same spending/saving money

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely this.
In our house bills are worked out proportionately so we both have the same spends left when all is paid. My husband earns 25k more than me but we work the same hours. Household chores and childcare 50/50.
It should be a partnership.

butterfly0404 · 02/09/2024 13:15

I'm so angry on your behalf OP, I literally have no other words than leave the fucking awful, financially abusive prick you've been unfortunate enough to find yourself with. Do it sooner rather than later as this will just get worse x

Dreamlight · 02/09/2024 13:31

Why don't you both pay 50% of your take home pay into the joint account, that way you are both paying an equal percentage, but it doesn't affect you disproportionately.

Pawhunter · 02/09/2024 13:46

If I was you I would of said...
hey, whoe there buster, who the he'll you think your talking to. Don't ever talk to me that way. Don't let anyone step all over you like that. I know it sounds a little excessive but if you stand your ground, knowing what happened was a mistake on your part, even if it was a minor mistake. They will unknowingly respect you. Once they start treating people like like that they will do it again and again. I've worked quite a few jobs and somehow I always made my way to the top. I've always treated people with respect. They look for me for help and advice at the work place. Sometimes people get an ego in a place of control or power. You can always apply this to other parts of life as well. I had an older friend and mentor that would always say...I was looking for a job when I found this one, lol. There are plenty of other places to work. That situation is in the past, get up and keep going. Wish you the best of luck.

NikNak321 · 02/09/2024 13:56

OP I have read all your responses and the problem is far bigger than your original post. This man is a selfish s**t. No person who loved their partner & kids (more than themselves) would watch them try and rear children and work a 7 day week in terms of hours; when they could equal the playing field and lighten their load. And who is suffering the most in this scenario. The kids!! Instead of their mum being avail to them (and it's possible) she's working a second job and dad's off on a lads jolly. No doubt he wanted the fab house that he could easily afford on this 50:50 set up; but was actually out of your affordability based on 50:50 payments all along. How nice for him.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row and leaving his ass. Everything is on his terms and he lavishes himself while you struggle and toil away. A cynical person might believe he keeps you in this difficult financial position to keep you from ditching him 🤷😥

Nothanks17 · 02/09/2024 14:25

If your DP earns a lot more why are you paying 50% of the outgoings? Surely it should either be proportionate OR in a way where you both have the same left after bills?

Beckknowsbest85 · 02/09/2024 15:38

Zanatdy · 28/08/2024 09:42

I know someone who works full time for one government dept and part time for another. Finished main job at 4. Walks to other building and starts part time job at 4.30. As they are different pay rolls it’s ok, I don’t think they ask if you’re employed elsewhere and as long as you do your job ok then it’s fine. His second job finishes at 9, so he’s home for 9.30pm and in bed for 11 ready to get up early for his full time job. Some people don’t have much choice but to have 2 jobs and he’s doing well in both. His partner doesn’t see him much but that’s life I guess.

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In the UK when you have a second job you have to sign a waiver to confirm you are happy to not have legal limit between working days. Some tax implications aswell.

misscris · 02/09/2024 15:39

AllGoodNamesRGone · 02/09/2024 13:09

Absolutely this.
In our house bills are worked out proportionately so we both have the same spends left when all is paid. My husband earns 25k more than me but we work the same hours. Household chores and childcare 50/50.
It should be a partnership.

Show quote history

All our salaries are paid into a joint account. All the household bills are paid from this - mortgage, utility bills, insurances, food, car expenses, clothes; if there was anything left when the children were little and I didn’t work except for a part-time evening job, we might have a few days away camping. Now that we are retired, we still have the joint account plus a couple of savings accounts in our sole names (those are really just so we can leave the funds in them directly to our grandchildren without having to pass through the survivor’s estate).