My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

Also, sorry I don't know how to edit,

He doesn't have your back, he should be going to find out what happened and making sure it's being dealt with accordingly.
Sometimes my husband doesn't have my back and it's something I struggle with.

However, before the men haters attack & tell me to leave him, he's a great dad and husband 💙

I expect you're staying 'because of the kids.'

You're accepting that your life isn't pleasant with this vile bully, but that you'll struggle through because of the kids.

Which is really kind of you, but here's the thing - it isn't good for the kids. They only have one relationship in their lives to role model from, to help forge their own relationships when they're adults. And the only one they know about is an abusive man and a wife who takes it.

Please do some thinking about leaving, the numbers may not be anywhere near as bad as you expect. It is obviously better for your mental health to leave, but you know that already, but it's also better long term for your children.

Can you talk to your FT job about the situation and ask if there's a possibility for more money? It's in their interests to have you not as tired/stressed from a different role that's nothing to do with them.

This is mot a partnership.
Your need to each put a % in proportionate to your individual income. You should not be working a second job so he can have more personal money.

My income is 5 times my husbands ... e erything goes in one pot. That is a true partnership.

OP said she did….used her savings

This isn't a partnership. I can't believe he made you pay half when you were on mat leave and had no money!

BWAHAHA
HE HAS NO MONEY it would ALL be split in the event of a divorce especially if you can evidence the payment of bills and your contribution to childcare.
You need to take this financially abusive arse to the cleaners.

Who owns the house?

Also why didn't you say when he says "why should I be penalised for earning more" - fine you do all the children and I will work FT!!

Your DP is an abusive dick, please leave.

Agree
i had several periods where I earned more than DP ….we always had separate accounts but I just paid for more bills…..then when we earned similar it would be just split

Unfortunately you have.

Are you at least on the deeds of the property ?

Speak to womens aid - this sounds a lot like financial abuse.

Why stay with someone who treats you with such disdain? He isn't showing you love and he isn't setting a good example for his children. What is the point of him?

Immemorialelms

Theyre not married so she can’t unfortunately.

OP isn't married.

Are you both jointky on the house deeds or renting

i cannot believe he worries about how things look for him but doesn’t about the fact you can’t go on a hen do

i have a school mum friend who will often come out with 10 and not be able to spend more yet we see her partner spends loads on himself and yes we judge him and dislike him for it

He sounds nasty. I couldn't imagine earning more than my partner and making them contribute so much of their income that they have nothing left over for themselves each month. Is there not a world in which you would be better off financially if you separate and claim some kind of income support?

I couldn't imagine staying with a DP like this OP. I would be starting to plan to leave, no true partner could see their partner struggle financially and berate them for leaving a 2nd job where coworkers treat them terribly when they're earning so much more money. You deserve better.

If he won't talk about it then what would happen if you just cut the amount you give to the joint account to the amount you should be paying? What would his reaction be? Is he violent?

They are not married. No finance to get in the event of a split. Of course, he will have to pay child maintenance, but it probably won’t even cover childcare.

I'm sorry I'm struggling to keep up.

We're not married but we own the house 50/50. We have a bit of equity so I'd come away with some money if I sold it but I don't think I'd earn enough for a mortgage on my own.

I don't earn a terrible salary, but my expenses are high in comparison. My monthly pay covers 50% of mortgage, bills, childcare (hefty), food, heating oil etc - anything joint. It then coves my car payment (approx £150/m - almost paid off I've been trying hard to) and running my car and my gym membership (a luxury I shouldn't probably have in my situation, I know, but good for my MH). When we took out the mortgage our total incomes are considered, but this of course disproportionately affects me because I earn less.

When I said he's going away with the boys I meant his friends :)

What on earth have i just read ?This is a shocking set up. You pay in PROPORTION to what you earn . And you have children with this man ?

Yet another story where there is a huge financial imbalance, your problem isn't your job it's your partner!

Maybe he should contribute more as he earns more?

So who is he paying to do his 50% of the childcare and housework while he is away, if he is so determined that everything should be split 50 50? Or does that only apply when it benefits him?

What an absolute shit of a man that watches his partner struggle when he has lots of disposable cash. Seriously why are you putting up with this,?! Some partnership.