My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

Absolutely and my response post he should have been wanting to have a word with the 2 bullies! Xx

Reading about your finances is heartbreaking. It's one thing for a family to be skint when they are in it together, but for you the mother of his children to be skint while your partner has plenty of money is just awful. Try to leave him. At least if you are skint alone he won't be rubbing your nose in it. He can find out if his money makes him happy.

@Sandywoes Your partner is indeed 'dear': he is costing you. If one partner brings home more than the other when both work full time, the fair solution is not to split things 50:50, but to work out a budget to which each contributes pro rata. Anything else is exploitation, not a partnership.

Work out the ratio between what you each earn, and apply that. (So if A gets eg £600pw and B gets eg £400, then A pays 60% of joint household/family costs and B pays 40%. That is 'fair' and a partnership.)

Tell him you will keep the PT job but give up the full time job

I've not replied to a post before but I feel like I could've written your post ten years ago when I was with my ex. We split finances the same so I was always stuck and he had all the freedom. Turns out it was financial abuse and I was in an abusive marriage. I really hope you're not, but his behaviour even on this one issue is really unfair and shitty x

You should be paying 70/30 he earns more that you and he's an unsupportive prick.

Well, first of all, the way your male colleagues behaved was atrocious - it was bullying and there are laws about that now. You might want to look into whether you could take them to a tribunal for that.

The way your husband has behaved is also atrocious and is also bullying and he should be told. I appreciate that's difficult but he has not been supportive - actually, he's been a little shit and he should be ashamed. He sounds horrible and you need to be thinking if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so intolerant and unkind.

@Sandywoes "I've tried asking for finances to be split that way but he said why should he be penalised for earning more"

And why should you be penalised for having his children and losing earnings on mat leave?

If you've posted about your relationship before and people were already telling you that you were being financially abused, do you still have to ask if you're being unreasonable feeling upset by his complete lack of regard for you?

If you're posting again for further support, I do hope you're feeling it from the responses to this thread. I also hope you find a way to ditch this arsehole. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Right, I can't read any more of this cos my blood is about to boil over. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? How dare he treat you like this. The fact that you are enabling him to do this to you isn't showing you in a good light either.Stop being a doormat!! You need to concentrate on finding yourself a good solicitor and give him something more thought provoking on how to spend his spare cash. Hard faced twat!

Well I dunno what to say really.

He insists you pay 50% of expenses leaving you with no money while he splash’s out on new cars. He gets angry when you quit a job because you were verbally abused.

Bit of a dick isn’t he?

You don’t “have” to at all. This is a slightly bizarre and financially controlling arrangement. You’ve either agreed to it or chosen to do it, or he’s forced it on you like a prisoner. It’s not really a partnership arrangement, particularly when one partner is struggling to meet their 50% obligations.

This x

This man is a disgusting selfish excuse for a father. He should be so ashamed of himself he should be on fire. He's a user and a scammer as well.

I've had to come back.

@Sandywoes , you say he is more concerned about how your leaving the PT job would 'reflect on him' than your own well being and mental health. (Not surprising given how he's financially abusing you at home.)

I would bluntly tell him that you're going to tell people at that PT job how finances are split at home and why you're there killing yourself working a second job. I would tell them you're going to make it super clear that he forces you to split everything 50/50, even though he makes way more than you do, and that he even made you burn through your savings after giving birth to HIS children and taking maternity leave to look after HIS children, rather than pay his fair share. Tell him you wonder how that will reflect upon him amongst his co-workers and employer as that news travels through his workplace.

Share it. Widely.

THen leave the arsehole. ANd pursue CMS from Day 1 of the announced separation.

I really feel for you.

It's such a shame he doesn't consider your struggle to keep up with him financially. I couldn't watch my partner go to a 2nd job in the evening, just to make up the money. Especially when you have so much else to do and he earns a good salary. It's not right. You're doing your best.

Bloody hell, of course it’s not unreasonable to leave a job where you are verbally abused. It’s not unreasonable to jack it in if you just don’t like it. Unless your husband played some role in getting the job for you then I don’t see how it would affect him?

Your family finances, however, are outrageous. You should each be contributing fairly, in this instance, when he earns so much more than you, that isn’t 50/50. It should be in proportion to your income.

If there’s enough money for (another) car, then there’s almost certainly enough family money for you not to have to do a second PT job. You seriously need to consider whether or not to stay with someone who treats you this poorly.

OP, you posted two days ago, but I’m still thinking about you, I’m really upset for you and the situation you are in. I hope you are starting to see that the situation you have been put in by your other half is abhorrent. Please speak to your good family and friends, hopefully they can be supportive of you and help you find the best way forward. You have the support of sooooooooo many people here on Mumsnet 💐

He doesn't want to be penalised for earning more, but is happy to penalise you for earning less. You having to pay 50% during maternity leave and him owning multiple vehicles while you struggle, wow! You can't change him but you can start your exit plan.

What?? So he earns 'a lot more' than you but still only pays 50% towards your joint life which forces you to work 2 jobs in order to just scrape enough up to pay the same?? And you're in a committed relationship with this selfish prick...including having kids together??

Absolutely. This is such a terrible way to treat you OP. This is only the setup in financially abusive relationships no one else will be living like this amongst your friends and family and school mums. This isn't ok.

Making you take on a second job just so you get to keep some personal money sounds awfully like coercive control/financial abuse to me.
If he is earning E.g £70,000 and you are only on £30,000, his contribution should be 70% of bills - minimum!
I’m going to guess he doesn’t do more than 50% of childcare in the home, or chores, either?

This isn't love, it's an arrangement which massively benefits your OH.

You are me 10yrs ago, but I can tell you making the break isn't half as scary as you'd imagine. You have benefits available to help, especially when kids are younger. It's gets so much easier as they grow, not to mention that little more flexibility to look at promotion as you have more time. By the way, benefits and maintenance are taken into account for mortgages, so don't worry.

The best thing I did was to break away...I can tell you, you won't look back! All the best doing what's right for you.

Pretty sure OP has posted before and must know she's in a financially abusive relationship. Hopefully she'll find the strength to leave him one day and not raise her children to think this is healthy or normal or how loving partners should treat each other.

I think you should quit your partner as well as the job.