My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

I don't think i could come back from this. Ask him why he finds it so difficult to be supportive of you, and why he wants you to go back to a job where two men intimidated you and verbally assaulted you?
Ask him what the fuck his problem is. Then dump him.

Why? That seems really unfair. Surely it should be proportional?

I think you need to be telling your partner what you are contributing financially to the joint outgoings and it won't be 50/50. Work out what percentage your income is of his. Like 70/30? 60/40? Then that's the percentage you pay of joint bills. And you don't get another part time job, it's too much. Don't succumb to the financial abuse now you've realised he hasn't got your back emotionally or financially. He should be ashamed of himself. Tell your family and friends about this so they are on your side and support you when he starts moaning.

I knew this would be the situation before I saw this post. This is nothing short of financial abuse and your husband is a horrible selfish person. Sorry but this is not how you treat someone you say you love and want a committed relationship with.

I can’t believe you have to get an extra job just to be able to keep up with 50% if the bills while he keeps his extra money for himself.

I don’t like how people jump to LTB so quickly on mumsnet but in this case my advice is to start working on an exit plan. Start saving and putting money away if you can and leave this idiot. I’m so infuriated right now.

OP, I'm so sorry to read about your situation, but glad to hear that you have good people and close family around you.

Please tell them what is going on. You really need some real life support.

This is NOT a relationship. He really goes on trips with his boys while you continue to work 2 jobs to meet up and can’t get a break? Wow

WTAF? You are working 2 jobs because he won't subsidise his own family?

Bin this piece of crap.

Bottom line is your DP is not a family man and does not respect you as an equal. That he can watch you do 12 hours on top of a f/t job when he's growing savings is plain mean. He does not need 3 cars and a van and it 100% shows you his priority is not you and the DC.

This is awful, he treats you horribly.

It's financial abuse.

No bank would have approved you a mortgage in your own right where your repayments are 50% of your income.

They wouldn't because you wouldn't be able to afford it comfortably. A 1/3 is the recommended max. He's definitely paying less than third of his income.

It's abusive and sadly it won't change. I would leave if I were you.

Exactly this! In a marriage/ partnership he would not want to see you struggle a d if anything would help you financially.
As everyone else has pointed out he is selfish
Any decent man would tell you to work what you can if you want and raise the kids and take care of yourself not expect you to dog yourself into the ground.
Please please pluck up the courage and find someone who respects you and finds you worthy of him
All the best

WTF am I reading?

Your partner is a dick.

And his rationale for you have to blow through your savings on maternity leave to have and care for HIS children?

Wow

That's just one way of doing a partnership/marriage, although I think it falls short of being truly either.You could do percentages. Or you could combine incomes, pay the bills and have the rest in a joint pot. That's not 'penalising him', that's just having a family together.

Absolutely not right you had to get a second job when he has spare money for trips with his friends. This is not what a family unit is about married or not. Sometimes you have to match male selfishness with selfishness. What would happen if you spent money on yourself and there wasn't enough for food and things. Would he cover the shortfall so the kids could eat?

Does he do 50 per cent of the parenting? I bet he doesn't.
Leave him.
Sell your home.
Go and live with your parents.
Make sure he has the kids 50 per cent of the time.
You deserve better than this using, abusing piece of crap.

Having read this thread, OP 💐

Could have been more supportive? Concerned for money??? Have you read all of the op's posts? you write as though this is quite normal.
He's living the life of riley!!! It's HER that is "concerned" about money working f/t then having to work p/t so she can contribute 50/50. Whilst he earns a lot more than her and is on his way to his own personal car showroom!
He seems to have shown no concern for her and her wellbeing.
Why on earth would she help him use her appalling experience in anyway shape or form!

I've come back just to reiterate how disgusting he is.

Your "DP" sounds like a narcissist. Has he done anything like this before? Sounds like financial abuse too. Sorry you are going through this.

So he thinks he shouldn't be penalised for earning more but is quite happy to see you penalised for physically bearing children? Does he think he earns more than you because he's a better person? Does he think everyone who earns more than him is more deserving? He's a selfish pig and not treating you with the kindness and respect you should expect from someone who loves you.

Please leave this horrible, horrible man. No one who loves you would see you working yourself to the bone in this mismatched way, or expect you to stay in a job that you hate. My DH earns far less than me but he is free to spend whatever he wants from OUR shared pot. I would never want him to go without or be financially stressed. I feel so sad for you. I don’t usually say this, but honestly, just LTB x

Your financial situation is not normal or fair. He expects you to scrimp and struggle whilst he has loads of expendable income? That is awful. Would you ever do that? No, I bet you wouldn’t. So why would you allow yourself to be treated that way? You're supposed to be a team. I would say it’s almost on the verge of financial control.

Please phone women's aid, this is awful.

Poor play from DH, why wasn't he furious on your behalf for being bullied by 2 men?! Xx