My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

I don't understand why he thinks you leaving a job that was making you unhappy makes him look worse than the mother of his children being forced to work 2 jobs

This. He's not consulting you on the 50:50, so unless you're afraid of him you can with equal right unilaterally cut back on your payments. Have your salary paid into a separate account and present him with a backdated bill for childcare services provided during your mat leave and PT years - then deduct that from payments to the joint account. (Hell, I bet he isn't doing 50:50 on childcare and housework now, so bill him for the excess you do.) You'll need to get out of this travesty of a relationship, but it would be good to rebuild some of your savings if you can do so without endangering yourself.

Please make an official complaint about the treatment you received, do you work in the NHS?
It is so not acceptable and you wouldn't want it to happen to someone else. This is bullying and it cannot be tolerated

What the hell are you on about?

Speak to your family

See a solicitor

Check benefits

Leave him

Op please consider leaving, you're worth so much more than this.

What a nasty filcher he is. He knows he's got you over a barrel. No wedding ring and working your socks off while he has 3 cars and a van.

LTB!

Not just a cocklodger but a condescending cocklodger to boot.
Hes worried what people think in his work if his overworked wife has to leave an extra job because she’s exhausted and being treated like dirt? I bet he’s an absolute treat to work with.
He is not finding your lifestyle.
You are funding his.
The vehicles and the boys trip? Vile.
I agree with every PP who says you would be better off in every way without him. Watching you go out to a PT job exhausted while he is buying another car is not love.
His only concern is clearly for himself.
It is great you have your own career. Read the threads on here on how to prepare for your future and get out.
You are going to make yourself ill and that’s not good for you and your children.

OP - I hope you realise that’s not normal. You are being financially abused.

Yes, definitely, that's why I said can she leave now or does she need to sort things out.

I wish people wouldn’t bandy this about so easily demonstrating they don’t understand financial abuse. She isn’t being financially abused as she has to pay her way in an unmarried relationship.

Yes, that was my point 😂

*"I wish people wouldn't bandy this about so easily demonstrating they don't understand financial abuse. She isn't being financially abused as she has to pay her way in an unmarried relationship"
*
Do you not think that bearing his children and raising them during her Mat leave was 'paying her way' enough? Was it necessary for her to run her savings and mental health into the ground whilst DPs career and lifestyle thrived without consequence?

I’ve read all OP’s posts so far. Mouth open upon reading OP’s second post!

This is disgusting behaviour!
This is financial abuse.
You should both be contributing to the household proportionally to the income you each bring in.
Situations like this make me so angry. These type of basic real life maths calculations are what children need to be taught in schools!

My heart aches for you feeling that you had to work whilst on Maternity Leave. This would have been enough for you to LTB back then.

50/50 is only fair when you are both earning a similar income and both doing a fair share of household tasks and childcare!

I currently work PT, school hours and the main carer. I’ve also worked FT and likely to increase my working hours to FT again once our youngest DC starts secondary school in a couple or years. My partner owns and runs businesses. We’ve never discussed our financial input in percentages, he just pays most of the bills and I also pay some as I earn a lot less. Our combined income affords the whole household the same level of lifestyle. No one goes without or is penny pinching because the other has more disposable income.

You don’t have to put up with this. Force a sale of the house and get out ASAP. You’re a hard worker, so you’ll manage financially on your own just fine. You’ll be happier and at peace.

Is he exhausted!?
Immediately stop doing all the free labour that you are providing him.
He doesn’t like you, and that should be enough for you to develop an ick towards him.
If he wants shopping bought for him, his clothes washed, food prepared, sex, etc - tell him to do it himself or to pay someone else to provide those services for him. You’re on strike!
Charge him for childcare over and above the 50% of any childcare that he already does. I’m guessing he does not do 50% of childcare outside of his working hours.

If he still doesn’t get it, shame him to family and friends.

Teach your children to be the opposite of their Father.

Thank fuck you continued to work and did not marry him. Marrying the wrong person is not a flex 💐

When I lived with my ex, he worked out the monthly cost of mortgage, utility bills, food etc and split it in half and we paid half each. I only realised by reading this that he earned about £5K more than me at the time, the cheeky git. Glad he is an ex!

Being in a proper partnership means relying on each other.

If there's a huge financial imbalance it's not a proper partnership

She's paying more than her way whilst having his children.

How is him being considerably better off not abusive?

This is not how you treat someone you're supposed to love

Dear OP.

Please tell us why you stay with this man.

Do you even love him any more. Are you afraid of him. Are you afraid of change. Scared of what? Does he ever make you feel loved and cared for. What you describe is not love nor care, from him. Did someone in your upbringing drill into you the old chestnut of, "you've made your bed so you must lie in it", or some such bullshit. A lot of women put up with a lot of shit for that one. Are you just just really, really, fucking stubborn and won't stop trying? There's a point at which we have to stop trying to polish that turd. You're going to make yourself ill trying, both physically and mentally. Nobody can keep up what you're going through. It's too much.

I can’t work out how you can tolerate this for as long as you have. I'm pretty sure I recognise your story from previous posts and it's been a while because I've not been on MN for a long time. I had to pull away because it was affecting me, to read experiences such as your own. I could feel the suffering, angst and desperation. It made me angry and I wish to find these abusive men and do unspeakable things to them but obviously I couldn't do that. so I had to stop coming here for a while. No matter how long one stays away the stories don't change.

I often hear MRAs speak of how women pick and choose what bits of equality they like (usually some shit about women not wanting to empty bins, drill for oil or wear a military uniform and shoot foreigners for a living) but I really feel that's bullshit and it really what men do. Want equality love? Okay, sweetheart, you can pay half the bills then. My manly "half" of the equation will be over here earning more while you bear the kids, look after them and keep the household clean and running. Honey, you're neglecting me. Surely you can find time to suck my dick inbetween your two jobs, running the house and childcare. By the way, I will be fucking someone else (in between boys trips and my extravagant spending on myself) because you're too exhausted to even move at the end of the day. You've got to put up with it darling cos it's your own fault. Well, you asked for equality.

Not all men are scumbags but near enough all scumbags are men.

Sorry, let my emotions run away a bit there because I hate women being shit on like this.

He doesn’t really care about how he looks to other people, otherwise he would be embarrassed that the Mother of his children has to get a PT job on top of already working a FT job!

He only cares about the fact that OP will be earning less, which will mean that he may have to pay more to cover the difference. He was most probably counting on OP’s PT salary to offset the cost of his new car!
Awful man. I would expose him to all and sundry, so he can find some shame.

With your update on your financial arrangements it's safe to say your DH is an utter dick.

Did he do half the childcare while you were on mat leave? If no... then why would he have expected you to pay half the expenses?

I hope he does half the childcare and chores now.