My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

If you are PARTNERS then you pool your income and divide it equally so both has equal spending money.

The way you are doing it you are just housemates.

This, with bells on. OP your life partner is an arsehole

I paid 50% of everything during mat leave 2 as my now ex DP made such a meal of things and made me feel so uncomfortable the first time around. I left him, and you should do the same as this is not someone who loves you, as others have said it’s the motherhood tax.

There's one incident and one incident......she was treated appalling by her coworkers. This is not on!!
Have some compassion.

I was so pissed off when responding about your abusive and tight-fisted bell end of a partner, I forgot to add:

Well done for leaving that PT unsociable hours job. You should had never had to get that job in the first place,
Make sure you put in a complaint about those two horrible male colleagues who verbally abused you.
And don’t go back!
As it was a public sector role, they should sort this out properly. Go to HR.
If you really want/need to go back, go off sick to preserve and sort out your MH, not for any other reason. Especially not so your children’s Father can continue to financially abuse you!
If it isn’t already, ensure your salary is paid into a bank account in your name only.
If you don’t have a savings a/c, open one ASAP and start saving as much or as little as you can each month. Even if it’s only £10 initially.

Don’t leave your home until it’s sold. Married or not, you’ve paid 50% so far.
If I was you, I’d continue to pay 50% of the mortgage payments up until the house is sold.

Stop paying 50% towards everything else. If you know exactly how much the fucker earns, you could pay proportionally towards other remaining household expenses based on your FT income. There’s no point doing that re. every household expense, such as food, as from today you need to stop buying food, toiletries, etc for him and only buy what you and your two boys need.
Charge him proportionally to his larger FT income, for food that you have bought and cooked for your joint DC. Do the same re. Council Tax and the utility bills.
Do you pay towards a Sky, Netflix subscription? If so, stop paying. You don’t need to use it, and I guess you don’t have the time to watch much TV anyway.
Clean the areas of the house that you and the boys need to use so there is a basic level of hygiene, and let the rest go to shit. If the mess, dirt or overgrown garden, etc bothers him, he can deal with it or pay someone to sort it.
Basically, treat him like a housemate until you don’t have to have him living with you anymore.

When you’re no longer living under the same roof and sharing household expenses, make sure you make a claim for Child Maintenance.

Regardless, of whether you think you are on a low FT income or not, go online to check if you would be entitled to Universal Credit on your current FT income. You’ll obviously have to guestimate your future outgoings once you get rid of the freeloader and are officially living as a single parent.

You can do it! I can’t wait to see you back on here within the next few years with a positive update telling us all that you’re finally rid of him, you’re no longer exhausted, you and your boys are a lot happier and that you’re living your best life. All the best x

She can't get benefit with INVESTMENT

Still not ok. Please tell your family or a friend it can really help have some support. He shouldn't want you to work full time plus another part time job when you can afford as a family not to do that. Someone who genuinely loves you won't want to see you struggle like this when it's fully within their power to end your struggles. He should want to put more into the pot. There's not many people that could happily cause their partner who they're supposed to love to struggle this way when they can afford multiple cars for themself.

If you seperated you might qualify for things like CB and the 85% childcare back from UC .

Hi OP, I think what you’re experiencing sounds like modern slavery - you are being made to work long and exhausting hours to fund someone else’s lavish lifestyle. It all sounds a bit “Andrew Tate”. As well as being entitled to your half of the house, I would argue you are also entitled to a large amount of financial compensation for having your savings and much of your income taken from you.
Your P does not value you as much as he values himself, and is abusing you. Forget about the second job. Speak to a solicitor. Consider speaking to the police. Ps many of AT’s victims don’t see that he has done anything wrong.

Sadly this is why males and some females should not work together, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. If you can't take criticism then it's not the job for you and you did the right decision in quiting.

This sounds like coercive control and an offence since 2017.

Statements as: ‘I’ve asked him….
and ‘The situation I find myself in…’

PP advise contacting Womens Aid. This situation will get worse and is already affecting your physical and mental health.

I think that this is a form of financial abuse. If I were you I would look at other ways that he is manipulating / abusing you. Any man worth his salt would be horrified that 2 men chose to bully you at work and would never have supported you in your decision to leave. But then any man worth his salt would have stepped up so that you wouldn't have to work two jobs. Get some help and dump this loser.

It is not often that one of these posts upset me but yours had me near to tears. I have rarely heard of anything more unfair. You need to get your ducks in a row and then get out.

If you don’t like the job leave. But no error justifies people swearing at you. Or acting aggressively for that matter. People make mistakes. Tell them how to avoid making the mistake. Move on. It’s a shame to let people get away with behaving in such a manner and I wouldn’t have left with a formal complaint about their behaviour to HR. As for your DP, if he can’t support you over this, what’s the point of him?

I’m so sorry you’re had to go through this, work stress is awful.
Can I ask why if your husband earns a lot more than you why you are splitting bills 50/50?

This seems grossly unfair to me. You have children together, he should be contributing more financially. It’s terrible you have to work 2 jobs, he should be contributing more financially.

Please only take on another job is you enjoy it, otherwise I’d look at your finances together as you are getting the raw end of the deal right now.

Sorry you were abused at work. Well done for not putting up with it. I'm glad you like your FT job.

Sorry but your "d"p is financially abusing you. This is not acceptable. You should not be working two jobs to keep up with him financially. I earnt more than my husband for a long time and we just pooled our money so in effect I paid more of the mortgage etc but he had equal access to the spending money.

This is your take on the whole thread? Ignoring the twat of a partner being financially abusive, and then letting off the men who were also twats to her in the work place? no one male or female should put up with that at work.

I served in the military for many years, no man ever shouted at me or swore, or was aggressive. Men and women worked find together.

He sounds like a horrible, controlling person. I think you know you need to ditch him.

Hi op,

your do is being a douch. You didn’t enjoy it, were confronted aggressively to the point two managers came and check on you. Plus all he wanted was that you stay for extra cash which would have reflected badly on you both…I suspect he wanted the money and wasn’t so concern about how it looks for him…or you.

hope he does a better job at supporting you at other times because he really didn’t come through this time around! Don’t ever share the same place of work again, you won’t have to face this situation again.

pfff…

🌺

That says a lot isn’t it?

men and women don’t work fine together. Mature men and mature women work well together. Otherwise it is playground or highschool all over 🫣

So he thinks quitting your job because you've been verbally abused would reflect badly on him but you going off with stress and claiming sick pay won't, he's a twat I'm so sorry this happened 💐

You guys don’t sound married, it sounds like you’re housemates! With the whole 50/50 split regardless of income and his disregard for you: working over full time hours; having another job on top; not backing you after being sworn at by colleagues at the 2nd job. His reaction just sounds like he’s checked out of the marriage and any type of support. It’s very cold.

I can't believe you missed out on a friends hen do because he's a selfish prick. You're allowed a gym membership, why would you give everything up while he lives high life. You would be better off single.

This is really sad. He’s a knob.

I wish more women would gauge a partner’s attitude to finances before having kids with them. He sounds like a total prick.

All money should be family money.

Er, no. It's why some men shouldn't work with women...and should learn some good manners before opening their mouths. Good men don't harass their colleagues.

What kind of world do you live in.

@Sandywoes , “woe” really is the right word for it!

I am really sorry you find yourself in this position.

Your partner sounds awful and like he doesn’t care about you half as much as he should. You are worth a LOT more than his treatment of you suggests.

If I were you, I would be putting my foot down about finances and about his cruel response to your situation at work. If you’re a team your finances should be proportionate to earnings. I honestly cannot believe you had to use savings to get by over your maternity leave and now you have no savings at all. I am disgusted. What a pathetic excuse for a man.