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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

230 replies

powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:04

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them.

He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money.

I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21.

I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

OP posts:
BigGapMum · 20/08/2024 18:32

Finances aside how do you see your future? I have a couple of retired friends who had married older men i.e. with a comparable age gap to yours and they have both spent many years effectively being a nurse/carer to a sick old man, instead of a having normal married relationship. They have both wasted the best years of their early old age on caring duties and are now getting older themselves. One friend's husband died last year and it's finally given her a new lease of life, but the other one is still trapped as a carer and finding it harder as she herself gets older. It's not a life that I would have wanted for myself, and that's without subsidising him, like you are.

Reallybadidea · 20/08/2024 18:33

Why is he working part time? Presumably if he was working full time he'd be able to contribute more than 30%

Original poster
powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:33

I am more of a planner and he's always been more of a 'see what happens' kind of thinker. I work long hours in a difficult role and I'm proud of the job I do. He just sees work as a means to an end.

He's said he'd look at retirement at around 62. I'm likely looking at 67 for official retirement, though there's a possibility of early retirement in my job. We based the mortgage on it being fully paid by the time he reached 60 so it gave us some wriggle room, though it meant to monthly cost was higher.

OP posts:
Original poster
powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:36

Housework and admin is roughly 50/50.

He started working part time due to some health issues. These are controlled but he struggled when he tried to up his hours. That's when we split expenses proportionately instead of half and half.

OP posts:
Miley1967 · 20/08/2024 18:39

If he is on course to get a full state pension that will be well over 1k a month by the time he retires, so if he can live on that he should be fine if house is paid off etc. just let him know you won't be subsidizing him though or will be using your private pension to retire early, an option that he will not have.

Playonplayoff · 20/08/2024 18:41

He won't get his state (only) pension until 67. What is he going to live off then if he retires at 62?
And you plan on working 20 years past this to subsidize him?

OP I know these is your real life, but I really want to know how this one turns out!

Original poster
powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:42

I'm going to go talk to him. Will update later tonight, but any other advice or thoughts would be good in the meantime.

OP posts:
sleekcat · 20/08/2024 18:47

It's strange that you've never had a conversation about this before, but now it is what it is. He can't retire at 62 though as that is even less fair given that he wouldn't be contributing anything for several more years. You need to discuss what is going to happen - he could set up a private pension for now until he's 67 and it should pay out at least a couple of thousand a year for him to contribute on top of state pension. Or he could work part time into his 70s - where I work we have people aged 75 still working 9-12 hours a week and that would enable him to have more money and contribute. It's only 2 days and they can manage it and still have 5 days free. Or he could contribute towards the household from his state pension and you will just have more disposable income than him.

Carrotsandgrapes · 20/08/2024 18:49

It's not unusual for couples to have unequal finances, but I think the issue here isn't so much funding his retirement, but a) his complete lack of planning, b) his assumption he'll just live off you while you work, then live off your pension c) his expectation that you'll work for the next 15 years. If you've got a decent pot, maybe you would want to retire early/go part time. d) that he wants to retire at 62, despite having no pension pot.

I just find all that really unattractive.

This lack of self sufficiency, and reliance on you is going to become a problem as you move into the next stage of life. None of this bodes well.

If you retire at 67, he'll be early 80s! By that point, he'll be slowing down a bit at best. At worst, he could need a lot of physical and practical support.

Time to have a proper think about what you want, and then a proper conversation.

Cheesecakecookie · 20/08/2024 18:51

I suppose one question is what does he intend to live off when he retires at 62 ?

And later since he will only have state pension (IF he has state pension - he will need to check) how will he maintain his lifestyle ?

Just be clear you won’t be subsidising him.

unsync · 20/08/2024 18:51

How can he retire at 62 if State Pension won't start until he's 67? Is he expecting you to cover those five years? Do you know whether he actually has 35 years of full NI? Of not, does he intend to buy the missing years or does he expect you to fund that too?

It sounds like he's expecting a combination of you and inheritance funding his retirement. If he's expecting inheritance, what happens if his parents require care? They will be self funding, so he might end up with very little in that scenario.

jelliebelly · 20/08/2024 18:52

He needs to start saving now and he won’t be able to retire until at least 67 when his state pension kicks in. If you go online there is a HMRC calculator that tells you how much state pension you are entitled to - a patchy employment history could mean gaps in contributions which will lower the amount he is entitled to. You need to seriously consider what your future looks like!

GreatMistakes · 20/08/2024 18:53

So his retirement planning his parents money or yours?

Why are you paying 70% of bills?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/08/2024 18:58

I know on Mumsnet everyone has a handsome and 100% secure private pension that they have been paying into since they were 18, but in reality most people don't. This is especially true if they are older and have worked a variety of jobs, bearing in mind it is only quite recently that the government decided everyone should pay into an individual pension in addition to their nation insurance.

I can't imagine being shocked and angry that someone doesn't have a private pension, but if I did feel that way I would not leave it 15 years to ask.

olderbutwiser · 20/08/2024 19:00

Given his patchy work history it's probably worth checking he has actually paid enough to qualify for a full state pension.

Borninabarn32 · 20/08/2024 19:01

Jesus. So he does half the housework, but pays a 3rd of the bills and works part time while you work full time. So he's got it pretty cushty atm anyway.

But his plan is to retire early and live entirely off you from 62 to 67 until his state pension kicks in. So that you can continue working much longer than him to be able to financially support him. And then provide him with care.

Frankly, he has a banging retirement plan, you!

shuffleofftobuffalo · 20/08/2024 19:02

Gosh he has made a lot of unilateral decisions about your future together hasn't he.

He's going to retire well below state pension age, so there's 5 yrs before he's due anything state pension wise so won't bring anything in for that time.

You are going to support him.

Once he gets to pension age he may or may not get the full state pension - those 5 yrs could make all the difference (do check his NI record as suggested above).

Once he gets his state pension I'll bet you money he will expect to keep it all for himself as you've been supporting the household 100% in the meantime so the money isn't really needed is it....

I'd run OP, it doesn't bode well.

HideousKinky · 20/08/2024 19:07

powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:33

I am more of a planner and he's always been more of a 'see what happens' kind of thinker. I work long hours in a difficult role and I'm proud of the job I do. He just sees work as a means to an end.

He's said he'd look at retirement at around 62. I'm likely looking at 67 for official retirement, though there's a possibility of early retirement in my job. We based the mortgage on it being fully paid by the time he reached 60 so it gave us some wriggle room, though it meant to monthly cost was higher.

He's said he'd look at retirement at around 62

The hell he will! This is the first thing you should knock on the head - his sense of entitlement to being funded by you for 5 years until he gets the state pension (IF he gets it?) You should begin by insisting he works to 67

MapleTreeValley · 20/08/2024 19:11

I can't believe he's planning to retire early with no pension and just expects you to support him! I am literally open mouthed reading this. What a fucking cheek!

Gardendiary · 20/08/2024 19:12

Yikes! The planning to retire at 62 with no pension is ringing more alarm bells than anything, what does he think he is going to live on?

RadioBamboo · 20/08/2024 19:15

powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 18:11

His working history is a bit odd- he's done stints of self-employment and some flexible hours arrangements following some health issues. He's currently contracted but part-time. I'm assuming that means he'd get state pension?

It's worth noting that both his parents are still alive and healthy, in their 80s. They have a house worth somewhere around 750k. Maybe he's expecting money from that as inheritance?

The inheritance sounds like a perfectly feasible retirement plan to me (mine is not dissimilar!).

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 19:17

He could earn an income teaching other men how to cocklodge like he does.

aCatCalledFawkes · 20/08/2024 19:18

I know so many people who haven't paid in to a private pension, mainly due to the jobs they do in sectors that didn't really offer those perks - until recently. I have a healthy pot but I have worked in both the charity and private sectors who offer these as benefits and even then I have still worked with people who won't take up these benefits and will opt out.

Your partner has to get real, if he's not got a private pension at the very least he needs a full state pension to fall back on when he is 67. 62 is so entitled.

SpiritAdder · 20/08/2024 19:18

youre well within your rights to be bitterly disappointed in his lack of preparation for retirement, but I can’t help but wonder why it has taken 15yrs for you two to discuss finances and the long term future?

outdamnedspots · 20/08/2024 19:20

You've funded 70% of his lifestyle for 15 years and it looks like he wants you to carry on!!