To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

[powerwashingqueen]

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them.

He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money.

I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21.

I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

Usually it's because they have children and the woman is sacrificing earning potential to look after them. If there are no kids involved there's no reason for one partner to work extra while the other one doesn't work at all, which is what's being suggested here. I also don't think he's going to that fun or attractive sitting round at home doing nothing for 16 years while OP works

When woman is lower earner everyone is asking why they are not having shared finances and expecting man to fork out.

I think 9/10 times when I’ve seen that in Mumsnet the lower earner woman contributes 80% of the housework AND childcare, so they are both contributing equally really in the grand scheme of things, even if the woman is contributing less financially .

That doesn’t apply here.

They may exist but I honestly haven’t come across any threads where the woman is working part time, doing 50% of the housework and no kids and people are saying it’s unreasonable for her partner to want her to contribute more.

But I have seen many threads of people not supporting the OP who complains about her partner wanting her to get a job if her children are in secondary school with no SEN.

How is he filling this 5 year gap?

Exactly

I'm assuming he thinks you'll fund him fully until his SRP starts (age 68?)

I'd get out now

Oh my god - this is absolutely jawdroppingly presumptuous from him. He just assumed he didn’t need to save a penny because you’d be working to fund him?! I’d genuinely leave him and I don’t say that lightly. He’s a sponger.

So he is living off you now (as he pays 30% and you pay 70% but you both have the same spending money. And he intends that you fund his retirement!? Honestly I'd really consider if he's worth it and if he is behaving fairly. Only you will know, but I'd consider leaving, he is making a mug of you in my view

If there are no kids involved there's no reason for one partner to work extra while the other one doesn't work at all.

Why not?
I supported my partner when he was getting qualifications, looking for a job etc.
I would 100% love to have not tired and stressed partner waiting for me at home.
Bloke can tidy up a bit, have some time to plan activities for us etc.

I get that it may not be everyones cup of tea but I do have a lot of energy and like having fun. Would like that partner can have energy and headspace to play around with me :)

Are you married to him OP? If not, make sure you never do marry him. He’d become entitled to half of everything, including your pension.

The posters suggesting if the sexes were changed then we'd be saying different... where can I find a man of 36 who'll subsidise me working part time, be happy I do. less than my fair share domestically and support my retirement who would find me remotely attractive??😁

He won't get pension credit! That's based on household income. OPs earnings will presumably take them over the limit as it's less than 17k income for a couple to qualify.

I'll have one of him too!

Get him to show you exactly what he has. What has he got in his state pension? Is he sure there is nothing else?

I agree his plans aren't fair op. I am in a similar situation although our ages gap isn't as high as yours.

My H has long wanted not to work and was planning to give up when our mortgage is paid off (he'll be 55). He was hoping he could just live off my salary and was very disappointed to be told that he has to bring in half the bills somehow. Either from a pension or a PT job. Obviously bills will be much lower without a mortgage but no way am I working FT while he sits at home! Plus the fact that it means I wouldn't be able to retire at 55 as what would we be living on?

Definitely have a serious conversation about money.

Have a relationship without living together, then he can fend for himself.

I don’t think I know anyone with a private pension? Do you mean a workplace pension OP?

I'm as shit as your DP is OP when it comes to my pension, justa bog standard state pension + a bit of Serps as I never opted out; even worse I'm a singleton and norra DP in sight.

Pension saving just wasn't on my radar is the most succint way I can explain it. I do think it's a bit super-wierd, after years of being in a relationship, to suddenly think - "I say darling, what's your pension 'pot' looking like" and then be disappointed with the response.

Hi everyone. Thank you for your messages.

We’ve talked and I’ve asked him to show me some info tomorrow based on what you’ve said.

He think he has a very small pension from a workplace scheme from about 30 years ago. I’ve told him to find it. He’s also going to do the NI contributions thing to show me.

He thought he could retire at 62, so that’s where that age came from. I’ve said it’s wrong and told him to confirm state pension age for himself and that he will have to work at least until then, if not longer.

He admitted to opting out of workplace pension. He said at the time, he needed the money there and then, and he thought he wouldn’t be around to claim a pension due to his health issues.

I’m going to be really honest here. This has thrown me and I do feel deceived as he made out everything was sorted. I knew we wouldn’t be rolling in cash but I didn’t expect this. It’s making me question the whole relationship and the imbalance.

I'm not surprised you feel deceived. Does he see that it looks like he just wants you to support him?

A house worth 750k could provide a fairly decent annuity, it would be a pretty good pension alternative. Issues - with a brother likely to take at least some of it and the possibility of care home fees for at least 1 parent, chances are he won’t get even half of it. But even 200k would provide an annuity of over 1000/month. And that’s presumably added to his state pension. Parents in their 80s may well live another 15 - 20 years, though. So it might not be money when he (and OP) need it. And it’s an inheritance he isn’t guaranteed to get at all, so there’s definite risk there.

I kind of understand the alarmist posts, but I don’t think this is necessarily him using you financially. You made a decision to split your finances so you have equal spending power when he had health problems. That’s not unreasonable* for a long term committed couple. And if that’s how you’re splitting money, if he had been paying into a pension it would have meant he’d have been contributing less to the bills and you would have been contributing more. The difference would have been that there would be a bigger pot of pension funds for you to look forward to than you currently have. And his lack of pot means there is less available than you were anticipating. I think that’s a matter of you not sitting down together and planning - which is a both of you problem, not just him. It is typical for couples not look at their pension plans as a couple (I’m not saying no one does it, but research into financial planning shows that more people don’t than do especially when there are age differences).

The question about him retiring at 62, though, and thinking it’s fine because you’ll still be working to fund it, that does seem unreasonable. I hope your discussion this evening comes up with an equitable plan that reassures you and gets you both on the same page in a way you’re both comfortable with.

*(Though I do wonder whether he subsidized you at all when you first got together and his earning power was higher and your was lower? At that point did he insist on 50/50 and have more spending money for himself or was he generous to you?)

I have seen a lot of women on mn who contribute less financially and there is definitely a different attitude. Ops dp does work part time due to medical issues- I don’t think women would get the attitude op dp is getting.

Not that I think there’s an excuse for either men or women not to pull their weight. But there is definitely a double standard

He saw you coming love! You've got yourself a cocklodger!

Why would he think he could get his state pension at 62? Even before they started increasing it, it was 65 for men.

Oh dear. I'm 62 tomorrow and my bog standard state pension doesn't start for another 5 years (sigh).

Jeez - no idea how your mid-50s partner got the idea he could retire at 62 and can't fathom how someone could be in a relationship for 15 years without discussing, even lightly, each other's pension, etc provision.

Really?

What I’m saying is in vast majority of those cases the women are doing childcare and majority of housework so it’s comparing apples and oranges really.

I haven’t seen many involving this specific scenario - even where women have health issues leading to them working less there are still usually kids involved and they’re doing vast majority of housework.