To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

[powerwashingqueen]

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them.

He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money.

I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21.

I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

Still think op is being foolish to stay.

Absolutely this.

Ah… those health issues that meant he couldn’t possibly work full time, suddenly not so bad after all?

Just seen OPs update and yes this stood out to me too. I was wondering about his capacity to work all along actually but I didn’t want to be accused of ableism. I strongly suspected he could work full-time if he really had to. I am ND and suffer from chronic pain but as a single woman , I work full-time. Because I have too. I also have a freelance side career as well.

It’s sad that he was willing to lean so heavily on OP all this time when that wasn’t the only option.

Hopefully he will stick to his word and shape up by Christmas then @powerwashingqueen

Hope you’re ok @powerwashingqueen - do come back and update us at Christmas.

The issue will be what if he doesn’t get a full time job by Christmas? If he thinks you won’t follow through on leaving him then how hard will he try?

You can buy extra years for your state pension if you’re short. Government Gateway explains how to do this. He should look in to this but should pay for it from only his money, not yours. I think you can top up going back six years also, if you only have partially full NICs in some years. I’m not sure how many years back you can buy but Money Saving Expert and/or Govt Gateway should say.

Enough of this 30/70, 40/60 split. You should both contribute 50:50 to household bills etc then if he has less day to day spending money, so be it. He’s been cross subsidized by you for years, now it’s his turn to pay you back.

I’d honestly be very watchful, because if he won’t get a full time job by Christmas he may think you’re not serious, and may well then quit working in his early 60s anyway, thinking you might never leave.

Remember how young you are. This doesn’t have to be your future.

You’ve seen a lot of women on here who are unmarried, dont have kids, are 10 years older than their partner and pay only 30% of the bills and wants to retire 5 years early and get majority support on here? I highly doubt it.

How does he imagine he is going to be able to retire at 62 if he has no private or workplace pension? He won't qualify for the state pension for several years after that.

Oh yeah, you'll be working, so you can pay for everything...

Personally I'd want mortgage and bills to be 50:50. It would be different if he was earning less to support the family, e.g. caring for children. If you are going to be paying more into the mortgage long-term, you could change the home ownership to reflect that you own a larger share.

That might sound very mercenary, but such a high proportion of relationships break up. If you do separate he will be better off from having been in the relationship, and you will be worse off! It seems very uneven.

He doesn't need to look for a new job, thankfully- he's good at what he does, so he's always being asked to take on more. It means he's got good leverage.

The health issues are linked to stress, which is why he reduced his hours previously. His set up now on the reduced hours is also much less stressful than before, WFH at a time that suits him rather than in-office 8-5.

I am quietly keeping an eye, and plan to keep doing so. Some of your posts on here make me feel like I should just leave now, but then when I'm not on here, my brain says to give him a bit of a chance to prove he can make a change.

I wouldn't leave him based on the comments of internet strangers. Sounds like he's got his head out of the sand and is making more of an effort.

OP, it is only the Internet and you ARE the boss of you.
We will never know how this plays out.
What I will tell you this is, when you are nearly 60 and looking back, you WILL look at this this VASTLY differently to how you do today.
Just as I am.
Get some counselling.
You deserve it.
You are too kind and too understanding.
He is WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
Please believe me.
He may well care for you and like you, but he is absolutely focused on you being his retirement plan.
You are SO young, early 40's is NOTHING.
You so deserve better than this.
Don't rush into anything, take your time and really think about this.

Hi OP, I've read all of your posts but not everyone else's comments. I want to add my scenario as an additional thing to think about.

My husband and I both worked full time. Both contributing to pensions, though I'd contributed a lot more during my career and my pot was way bigger than his.

At age 54, husband got cancer. He had two recurrences over the following few years and in 2023 I had to give up work to be his carer, as he had so many appointments and his mobility and strength decreased. He was claiming PIP and I got carers allowance and, believe me, they're difficult to live on. Definitely nothing left over to save or add to the pension pots.

What I'm getting at is there are no guarantees your partner will be able to work full time for the next 10-15 years. There's no guarantees he won't get an illness that requires you to stop working to care for him. Being so much older there's a chance he might need extra support from you before you reach state retirement age. Don't base all your future planning on the assumption you'll be working until 67.

It just gets worse. So all this time he could have been working full time and contributing more but instead he's chosen not to. I honestly think he's taken you for a ride OP and if you had not brought this up he would have carried on as he was.

This.

My husband was older than me. He retired from his teaching position at 60, with the intention of setting up a business.

Unfortunately, he became unwell. The business never really started...but by then he'd spent a lot of money on stock (which we eventually gave away...I even found some after he died).

At the age of 57 I went down to a 4 day week, to make it easier to organise medical appointments for DH, thus losing 20% of my income. I asked to go down to a 3 day week the next year. Refused.

Reluctantly, I took early retirement at 58. I should have had a very comfortable retirement. Instead, I retired on 18k a yr. I inherited a bit of my husband's pension - about 4k.

At the moment, I pick up a bit of supply work when I can. I've had to turn down work because of medical issues, some caused by being a carer. No sick pay for supply teachers, of course!

I'm not going to starve, but this wasn't my plan. I thought I'd work full time until I was 60 and then retire with a good pension. Now at the age of 64 I'm doing bits of supply in between medical matters and wondering whether I'll get my state pension at 66.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.
This situation unfortunately isn't unusual, and we can't predict what is around the corner.
I was widowed when I was 56 and I had originally intended on finishing work at age 55 but I don't know what made me change my mind whilst my husband was still alive but thank goodness I did otherwise I would have been in a very tricky situation. I'm 65 and still working and it's definitely not the future I'd planned but feel grateful that I'm able to carry on and work until next year, many people are unable to.
I know a lot of friends who make arrangements for holidays 3,4, sometimes 5 years in advance and I always shiver at the thought that they may not come off.
To avoid further doubt why don't you look on Gov.uk to see if you've paid enough NI contributions in order to get your full pension at 66. It may be 1 less thing to worry about.

Thank you, I'll do that.

I'm sorry that you were widowed so young.

This thread popped up at the bottom of another and it says you were looking to see if things had improved by Christmas?

Speaking as a retired pensions consultant, he does have a private pension - you.

Get out now OP while you still have your capital intact.

Tbh I’m a bit surprised you’re only finding this out now. You’ve been together 15 years, bought a house and never once talked about finances/retirement plans? 😵‍💫

Hope you’re ok @powerwashingqueen

Grifter like this never advertise their long term self serving plan.

Fortunately it has come to light.
He is so way ahead of this kind woman.

Retirement is miserable if you have very little money.
It can be challenging too.
She has wisely prepared for hers but to cover two people will be nothing as comfortable and will no doubt involve huge sacrifice from her.

I fear she is going to bitterly regret not extracting herself from this grifter when the reality of what she will be expected to provide becomes her reality.

All those years of work to end up paying for a man who worked part time.

Unbelievable.

Make him get a state pension forecast. He might not even get full state pension. Inheritance might get left to somebody else or eaten up with care costs.

Workplace and private one abd the same thing. No he doesn't.

OP, please would you come back and update us, as I'm sure many who took the time to offer their thoughts and opinions would like to know how this has progressed?

A suggestion for you op.

Sell the house. Split the proceeds 50/50. You buy a house in your name only. He can pay you rent/costs out of his equity sum.

@powerwashingqueen

' Christmas was your marker '

and we are now in the New Year

how are you / how are things ?