To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

[powerwashingqueen]

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them.

He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money.

I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires.

I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21.

I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more.

AIBU to be pissed off about this?

I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

Yes really @BettyBardMacDonald, it's true and probably not the best approach.

Hang on a minute, most of the advice here is outraged that @powerwashingqueen is in a relationship with a man with less money than she has who wants to live off her in old age and she should leave the cock-lodging freeloader.

However, if it turns out that some money lands in his lap, the tables are turned, she's awaiting an upgrade at his expense and he cries fannylodger and leaves her for dust then he is an absolute scoundrel!

Yes, this would be more of a consideration to me than the lack of a pension.

@RawBloomers When I first moved in with him, it was 50/50 for all expenses. At that point, I paid half of all bills and half his mortgage cost as rent. Maintenance of the property initially was paid by him.

When we decided to buy a house together, I matched his deposit from the sale of his flat, from my savings, so we paid the same. It was the same time as him trying to up his hours but not managing, so we bought together and did the proportionate payment to support him.

It doesn’t sound like she’s waiting for an “upgrade at his expense” but I’m sure she’d like him to pay an equal or proportionate contribution if he did get his hands on “his half “of 750K.

I was merely pointing out that given she’s not married he could just up and leave as soon as he’s able to financially support himself.

Why would she be called a “fanny lodger” when she’s working full time and been financially supporting him all these years while still pulling her weight doing 50/50 in the house ? That would be awful if he did that!

And yeah, if he’d been subsidising her for years then she got an inheritance and said “see ya old man” I’d frown at that too.

Some people don't plan for the future or thing about money much. He isn't necessarily doing anything malicious. Not talking about it was normal for you both until now. My spouse used to be bad with money and I had a similar moment earlier in our marriage, along the lines of "How could we have never talked about this? How could we be so dumb!?"

WE worked it out. I really don't think it's nice to talk, think or expect an inheritance, but frankly he probably has that coming his way which will help.

That’s fair enough… unless you are expecting to retire 5 years before you get state pension and have your partner support you financially.

And then go on to do likewise, them paying for you from their own pension for the rest of your life.

Well that's fine as you won't be expecting someone else to pay your living expenses while you retire at 62, will you?

You are his pension plan OP.

I'm in a very similar situation and it's just come to light for me. Only been together 2.5 years and bouncing around the idea of living together.

He's 58 with no property and no pension, relying on an inheritance to fund his pension. Worked self employed for most of his life. His parent is 95 and still going strong and no care currently needed but I suspect it will be needed soon.

His current situation shows some very poor planning but with some life issues thrown in including divorce.

I've paid into a pension since 21 and have two properties. Some expected inheritance but hopefully many years away.

His plan is to work for as long as possible and get his inheritance then invest/flip houses.

For me the plan is a little flakey and makes me uncomfortable. All it takes is a parent needing care or an accident or I'll health. I don't want to work until im 67 and doubt he would be able to. And I want a good retirement. It could all work out really well...or could all fall on its arse.

I have some thinking and talking through to do with him if the relationship is to continue.

Will also look at his NI contributions.

I’ve been with my dh 14 years and am struggling to see how this has never come up. Not quite the same but I recall being really shocked very early on when dh admitted he didn’t have contents insurance for the house which was full of fancy tech. I was considering my options at that point!

anyway I’d be seriously considering leaving. Or at least confront him about your feelings and see what he says.

I cannot for the life of me understand why a woman would want a much older man unless he had plenty for himself and her,

An old man and subsidising him? You’ve not been paying attention.to how age gaps mostly work.

@keepingsanity

It's more than a little flaky. Your concern is justified.

Supporting someone while they are training or looking for work is completely different to them just deciding to do nothing though. For 5 years!

I can understand your anxiety about this and you feel thrown by it all.

Where on earth did he think he could retire at 62 come from? Historically men could retire at 65 and women 60 but that changed years and years ago.

Firstly you need to see his state pension projection and find that old pension. Secondly he needs to increase his hours and contribute more.

Lastly, although not guaranteed his share of inheritance could generate pension age income as the half share as it currently stands would do so.

You can have a SIPP , especially if you are self employed.

That’s not the most reassuring answer.

How happy with the financial side of things would you be if it wasn’t for the pension?

You were going 50/50 with him when you first moved in (including paying off his mortgage as rent - i.e. building the equity you then had to match from savings when you bought together). Was he earning less than you then? I do get this at the beginning of a relationship - you’re testing whether to commit. It’s fair enough, though the paying the mortgage as rent is a practice fraught with unfairness that generally favours the owning partner.

But how much of his agreement to buy with you and share finances was down to him seeing that he would be better off financially rather than wanting to have an equitable life with you? Do you think he’d be happy to fund you now if you suddenly weren’t able to work at all?

He doesn’t do more than half the housework despite you working longer hours to subsidise your life together. Could he? Or are his health issues debilitating enough that housework or paid work, it’s still too much? Is that something you’re happy with? How much has he ever sacrificed to improve your quality of life of help you towards your goals?

Being realistic, you may now intend on working until you are 67 but that's still a long way off and your health may let you down enough to force you into retiring earlier than expected. I sincerely hope that this doesn't happen but it can and it does to some people.
He is looking to you to look after him in old age, you haven't said if you love him enough to do this, it's a big ask and you may well end up feeling resentful.
Think very carefully about your next steps and talk to him about how you feel and make it clear that you are not his Mother.

The absolute irresponsibility!

The 'baby' of the family has continued being babied and expects that to go on. Oh, they'll look after me. They'll leave me an inheritance. She'll look after me. HELLO?

Another vote for the 'nurse with a purse' scenario here.

And the lack of financial adulting and forward planning leaves me gobsmacked. Thinking he could retire and presumably get pension at 62?!

Don't let any man do that to you again.

Good job on spotlighting his pension stuff.

You've found your fire, well done. Do not let that heat die down, because he'll be hoping it will and it will all go back to normal.

And you're going to have to stand over him and push him to track down every possible workplace pension he's ever had. And to speak to a pensions & financial advisor.

https://www.gov.uk/contact-pension-service

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/pensions-and-retirement/pension-wise

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/pensions/state-pension/

He’s really done a number on you.

He had you paying half the bills plus half of his mortgage when you lived in his place.

Then made sure you paid the same deposit as him for the place you bought together (despite you previously paying half of his mortgage for however long - so you’ve essentially partially funded his deposit).

Then he’s worked it so that you’re now paying 70% of everything, plus doing 50% of housework, while he sits off scratching his arse and working part time.

And finally, he expected you to fund his retirement.

Financially he’s done extremely well out of you, I can see why he thought that would continue.

I really hope he’s in for a rude awakening. He’s taken you for a total mug.

I meant that he needs to start right now to increase his earnings so he can pay more per month and/or into retirement investments. It would be up to the OP as to which she'd rather he do. Or both.

I would never be in that situation because I had a sponger once and I'm not going through that again.If a man doesn't fund his own life I'm not interested.

I’d be way more concerned about owning a house together and not being married. Having to pay inheritance tax if one of you passes away could absolutely shaft the other one and undo all your careful planning for retirement.

A lot of women "do nothing" for more than 5 years.
If DH is ready to take on cooking,cleaning, organizing family time and generally being more available than OP I would see no problem in supporting. If you can afford it, life is much easier with one person at home

Do you pay inheritance tax on a co-owned property? When both parties live there?