Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

You need to be really careful with the way you talk about your daughter. Comments like what you’re verging on are the reason I’ve struggled throughout my life with bulimia. My mum would do the same.

Well, it's difficult for mums of daughters in this world where everything they do is to gratify men, on both sides of the modesty debate. I have had meltdowns too. I don't think the OP deserves a kicking.

You're right, @DrBlackbird , there's a definite regression. This isn't about a healthy body image. This is about male satisfaction.

Yes, especially the mums encouraging their daughters 😒

Op hasn’t said what she said or how she said it. Lots of people have assumed she’s yelled over my dead body or body shamed her.
Op could have taken her to one side and said where is that bikini from? Shein. Wear one of the bikinis we bought for the holiday. I’ve not packed them. Well you aren’t wearing that it’s not suitable.

op what does her father, your partner, think of the situation?

i don’t think OP said anything

she just spent the entire day tapping away on mumsnet within minutes of her daughter emerging

and then ends the day tearful about the thread
i suspect she spoilt the day for the entire family with her mood and focus on her phone

ED are a whole other matter, and as you know are extremely complex. You're not going to create a problem by setting boundaries with clothing. You're helping a teenage girl to navigate a very tricky situation, where female images and the female body have become distorted through male control.

Women do see the issue.
But what's the solution?

Ruin her confidence?
Insist she covers up - which might mean she never ventures out - causing endless arguments?

Let it slide and hope it's a phase she grows out of?

Is part of the issue it's not 'cool' to go on holiday with 3 generations when your mid teens?
Is she an only child with 4 really old farts and 2 middle age farts.

I think the bikinis are just part of a bigger issue. And Op needs to tread carefully and talk with her DD or she won't want to holiday next year. And 16 is still quite young to be left home alone

Why are people saying Roxy is for older people? Its a surf brand

"I don't see anyone thinking it is ok, but there are differences of opinion on how to address it with the teen."

This thread's been running for many, many hours, and there have been quite a few people thinking it's okay for the OP's DD to wear the bikini.

I think the poor OP's given up and gone by now.

I have a DS too and while he too is a bit obsessed with going to the gym, it's mostly about staying fit, healthy and sporty. He is wearing comfy loose clothing and does not have friends getting fillers or Baby Botox. The difference is so vast, and depressing.

I’m not being dense. Women choosing to wear barely there bikinis and women choosing to wear burqas to protect their “modesty” (a male invented concept which is conveniently only applied to women) are BOTH a product of patriarchy and the hypersexualisation of women’s bodies.

I wouldn’t want my DD to wear either.

Language is important. I’d suggest looking into the etymology before calling someone dense for objecting to a word.

Ruin her confidence?
Insist she covers up - which might mean she never ventures out - causing endless arguments?

My last comment, honestly, but suggesting my DD cover up hasn't ruined her confidence or stopped her from venturing out. I am not at all sure confidence shoud be equated with stripping, anyway. This is how we have ended up with porn culture and the idea that any woman refusing to succumb to it s not confident.

Ffs, it's clearly not appropriate for the occasion! It's not about 'shaming' her, it's about having respect and an understanding of what clothing is suitable when and with whom. How is that destroying someone's confidence?

As for the 'curvy' debate, I'd describe myself as curvy as I have an hourglass figure. It's only in recent times it's been used as a euphemism for fat.

You're doing a pretty poor job of parenting if telling your daughter she can't wear a porn-style bikini is ruining her confidence! I used to try and get away with things too when I was a teen, I'm assuming most of us did. It hardly ruined my confidence to be told I was showing too much boob or bum, that's actually what parents are there for. Its normal to try and push boundaries and normal to not always get what you want 🤦‍♀️

It is a mine field these days. Of course we don’t want to make comments that lead our DDs to be ashamed of their bodies or to be fearful of walking the streets. Neither do we want them to buy in to our pornified culture or be at risk of male violence.

Feels like mothers are fire fighting all these issues that are harmful and undermine girls and young women. Issues created by men resulting in an increasingly hostile and hypersexualised world to women and young girls.

Op posted a few times at beginning and then only at end of day with a glass of wine.
Whether she posted or not the issue was still there.
Parenting older teens is hard.

15 is literally still a child
It's not body shaming or anti feminist to realise there are certain clothes for certain situations- and bikinis that are tiny nipple covering triangles aren't appropriate for a child on holiday with their parents and grandparents.

These are all Ctrl+V's of things Mumsnet users have proudly stood up and said in this thread. Names removed as an over-generous courtesy, but if you recognise your own work and would like to contest the issue then I ask you, I implore you, I drop to both knees and fucking beg you to come and tell me all about it.

• So I just went on shien. I searched in the thong micro bra bikinis. Not a vagina or vulva or areola to be seen.

• Is her anus covered? Her vagina, her nipples? If yes then it isn't indecent exposure so let her crack on without comment.

•I know the fashion is skimpy these days but I’ve never seen anything that doesn’t at least cover the vulva and anal area.

•unless you can actually see gynaecological detail I’d leave her be. Arse cheeks is the norm,

I would ask the sane and reasonable folks - the vast majority of us - to consider some facts about the so-called "people" who are sat typing these kinds off comments about a young girl's developing body and how desperate they are to get a good long look at it.

Makes me fucking sick. Physically fucking sick.

It's alarming - I have 6th form girls talking about Baby Botox. Another teacher cross posted with me about non uniform days, and how there's a change in what the girls wear. Even in uniform, they're wearing those micro tube skirts. It's all very concerning.

Hopefully Op is having a nice day sightseeing and shopping (and buying a new bikini) one way for it to blow over is to avoid pool today.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly
She said this, true not sure what was actually said but whatever it was it clearly wasn't effective and exasperated the situation.

I am particularly sensitive about this because my dd14 wore a very skimpy bikini on holiday last week. She had bought them herself. My dd is very very self conscious, painfully so and I am working hard to help her build up her confidence and be more comfortable in her skin. she is a beautiful talented sporty young girl but can't see it. The very thought of embarrassing her or making her feel uncomfortable horrifies me. I didn't like what she wore but she did and she was happy and comfortable in the bikini. When it comes to stuff like this I am treading on eggshells with her so maybe I am viewing this posters daughter in the same way, but as parents we have to be so careful not to add to their confidence and self esteem issues. I want to raise a confident, proud, resilient daughter that is well able to deal with the crap the world will throw at her

My younger sister and mum always sunbathed topless so tbh I'd have been glad if they'd worn even a micro bikini! I found that pretty mortifying when I was a teenager. I wouldn't be keen on my teenage daughter wearing something like that either (she wouldn't anyway) but in a way, it's good that the OP's daughter has that body confidence. I kind of think you just have to ignore it, really. Pick your battles and all that. Is it worth wrecking the holiday over?

Honestly I would be taking her shopping and buying her something appropriate! The other triangles would be confiscated and binned!!
I wouldn’t let my daughter wear that whatever her size and shape tbf!
It’s not about feminism or body shaming … i would also be pretty pissed that after buying her 3 very pricey brands of bikinis she’s not even brought them! That’s so ungrateful!

I’d take her to a local market or shopping centre and buy her appropriate ones!