Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

in my experience it has nothing to do with attracting boys

It may not be, but it will attract men.
Maybe, maybe not boys, but fully grown men. She is 15. Her mother knows that she will be leered at by men who should know better.
At 15, it probably has not crossed her mind that someone else's Grandpa will be getting very excited about how she looks.

Surely you are not so naive?

I disagree. You can have one day of confrontation and then resolution and then move on. My teens would not ruin a family holiday over this. We have always had boundaries. This hasn’t ruined our relationship but made us closer and respect each other. Of course it’s not too late to say no.

Creepy men must just love this new wave of feminism. Teens, wear skimpy bikinis; it means you have body confidence and are soooo empowered!! Depressing as hell. Esp when mums support them all the way with it.

As someone who had their parents make comments about their too ‘sexy’ body age 15 and completely unaware until that moment ( and mortified after), THANK YOU for this comment !!!

No, the whole point of parenting is to teach our kids so they don’t have to find out the hard way. The hard way in this case is DD posting pics on SM then being bullied and shamed by the boys at school. Teenage boys can be incredibly cruel to teenage girls when they don’t get what they want. With the whole toxic Andrew Tate red pill nonsense it’s getting worse in some quarters. This could have a profound impact on her life at the time she is growing up and doing her exams, so OP you need to check out her SM immediately. This could very easily affect her life long after the holiday.

"YWBU as soon as your talked about your daughter’s “modesty” like some saudi prince. Made me feel a bit of sick."

This is very unfair.

Thank goodness there are at least some sound, sensible povs on here... but well done those of you who've probably made the poor OP feel ten times worse than she did when she first posted.

As for people telling the OP to "go parent! Oh your poor DD, why are you discussing her vagina on MN?" etc... the OP clearly is trying to be a good parent - it's not always easy, let's be honest - and as the thread's entirely anonymous, that point's irrelevant.

Exactly, wonder who's really behind this 'trend'. Go feminism 🤦‍♀️

Yes. The OP is definitely not the one on this thread who is parenting poorly.

Surely you are not so naïve?
Of course I am not naïve but the type of man who will leer at a 15 year old will leer at her regardless of how skimpy her bikini is fgs. What do you suggest locking her up? Cover ourselves from head to toe because there are perverts on the beaches.

At 15, it probably has not crossed her mind that someone else's Grandpa will be getting very excited about how she looks.
Seriously? Grandad should be able to control his urges and not be leering after young 15 year old girls - surely that's the issue in that scenario

It's not about saying no
It's too late for no.
The decision has been made, they are on holiday, getting upset about it and going on about it all holiday or worse forcing her to miss iut will ruin the relationship

It is not too late for no. That's ridiculous. It's not a tattoo. This is changeable.
There will be shops. If no shops, then there are consequences. She does not swim, and she wears shorts around the pool. 15 year olds do not get to give a fait acompli.

It's not about feminism it's about her being sneaky and leaving the bikinis at home. Give her a t-shirt and tell her to stick that on if she wants to use the pool then take her shopping later. She needs to learn to read the room.

Lots of posters can’t seem to envision anything but an angry over my dead body type rant.
It wouldn’t ruin the holiday. She’s been told no. That’s end of it. Buy new swimwear or wear shorts and t shirt. Talk.
You talk about topical stuff and things you see in front of you. A holiday is an ideal time for decent conversations with a teen. Fast fashion/sweat shop labour, ‘love island influence’, ‘asking for it’ defences and rape conviction statistics. She’s 15 and needs her mum to guide her.

Surely you are not so naïve?
Of course I am not naïve but the type of man who will leer at a 15 year old will leer at her regardless of how skimpy her bikini is fgs. What do you suggest locking her up? Cover ourselves from head to toe because there are perverts on the beaches.

At 15, it probably has not crossed her mind that someone else's Grandpa will be getting very excited about how she looks.
Seriously? Grandad should be able to control his urges and not be leering after young 15 year old girls - surely that's the issue in that scenario

But until we change the world...
You are catastrophising because you know you have no argument.

Surely child and skimpy clothing shouldn’t go together?

My DD is 13 and I have taught teens for nearly 26 years. As a feminist, the over sexualisation and porn-cenctric clothing makes me weep. Feminism is an ideology, I don’t see anything feminist or empowering about showing off part of the vulva. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable to see it, just sad these young women feel this is a desirable fashion.

OP, I agree with you. I would not like DD wearing that bikini.

Whilst on occasion, MN posters can be amazing with support and advice, often many love nothing more than giving a sanctimonious scolding to the OP and many seem to think that anything goes with our teen DCs these days.

Listen to the sensible advice, ignore the rest, and trust your instincts. Hopefully your DD will listen to you but even if she’s annoyed now, in future years she’ll appreciate you setting firm boundaries, which all children need.

. What do you suggest locking her up? Cover ourselves from head to toe because there are perverts on the beaches

I think there is a compromise to be found between Love Island and Saudi repression. I also agree that most teens wil grow out of this stage and possibly find a happy medium, but a little guidance does not go amiss.

sadly she will likely be ruining holiday for entire family

moping around, tearful and tapping away relentlessly on her phone.

What I find very disturbing is the women on here who think it is OK for a child to be dressed in a porn inspired bikini.
When women cannot see the issue, we are doomed.

You are catastrophising because you know you have no argument.
Eh? You were the one catastrophising over leering grandads.

because you know you have no argument.
In your opinion.
My argument is I do not like these skimpy bikini's I wish young girls didn't wear them but shaming and embarrassing a young teenage girl on holiday is clearly not the best way of addressing it. Focus on the deceit rather than the size of the bikini

I remember my teen friends, who were lucky enough to go on overseas holidays in the 90s going topless on the beaches in France.

Gosh...I feel for you OP. Next step is the girl gets upset that men are staring, leering, commenting etc. as she is "A CHILD"...can't connect being almost naked with attracting the worst sort of male attention..
I think they do it for that attention though.

You have to hope that they are the parent of much older children who never tried to wear this sort of thing as it wasn't fashionable when their daughters were 14/15/16 or the parents of pre-schoolers who haven't reached that stage yet.

I don't see anyone thinking it is ok, but there are differences of opinion on how to address it with the teen.

but a little guidance does not go amiss.
That is not what the mum did though she embarrassed her

I know. Ditto being ‘empowered’ by pole or lap dancing or sex work is work bs etc. And here we are overwhelmed by exploitative men starting up Only Fans and young women sold a line about easy money for being cam girls. Technology has regressed and undermined women’s rights incredibly. But it’s how some women who are so called feminists buying into it and cheering this on that I don’t get.