Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

@Dulra - it's tough to raise a resilient, strong, confident daughter. It's probably a good idea though to think about "who benefits?". Active swimwear or beachwear v something else entirely?
The way the models pose in those Shein bikini adverts is telling in itself. Something for her to consider. How is it being marketed?
The Roxy website is quite different.

I just can’t get down with the modern idea that feminism means having your arse out in public.

Surely wearing such porn influenced outfits is following the patriarchy, not feminism?

I’ve been to quite a few feminist conferences and never once has a feminist walked around with their arse out.

I hate them but I was on the beaches overseas last week and the majority of women I saw were wearing them and they were not all teen girls. Many mums, and older women wearing them. It is on trend for whatever reason so I don't think this girl was in any way in the minority. I assume she also covered up going to and from the beach so part of me can't see the difference to all those women that chose to sunbathe topless as many of my friends did back in the 90s on their family holidays.

I just can’t get down with the modern idea that feminism means having your arse out in public.
Who has said it is? It is about wearing what you want and not feeling you can't because you are female. We are all individuals so what I choose to wear will no doubt be very different to what you do. Surely it is the choice and freedom to choose that is the point not the garment (or lack of)

No I would not be happy for my 15 year old to be wearing that micro bikini - I have a current 15 year old that is happy in swim leggings down to knees and rash tops so not an issue I have.

I think I'd try again later with a calm - these aren't appropriate for this occasion- it's made Granddad so uncomfortable he no longer happy to sit by the pool - I'm annoyed because I spent money and time buying you appropriate swim wear for this trip. This is a holiday everyone been looking forward to and your behavior is upsetting us. Then leave - maybe suggest a shopping trip when she had time to digest that.

It's different because times are different. Smartphones and social media make a difference. Being topless is freeing, wearing something which emphasises the sexuality of the body is quite different. Is the difference between dance exercise and pole dancing.

That's a really hard one to tackle. If they are really inappropriate, you just have to be firm. Not sure where you are staying but is there a shop in the hotel with swimwear or are you in or near a town where you can buy something else? What is the reason for her rejecting the ones you bought together? Is she wanting an all over tan or something?

Had a look at Roxy and I’m really not understanding all the comments implying Op is forcing her to cover and only old people wear Roxy. The girl chose it with her mum.

This sort of style is appropriate for a 15yr old child on a family holiday. It’s not shaming her or knocking her body confidence to say wear that not the micro style. There’s always a mid ground.

OP I’m sorry - you’ve had batshit feedback on this thread. It’s absolutely ok to put boundaries around clothing in place with your DD.

I have a very similar situation: one 20yr old, tiny size 4/6, equally tiny cup size, wears these and then her very curvy (size 6, 30E) 13yr old sister wants to wear the same. It’s not appropriate and it’s horrifying watching grown men lear.

we’ve reached an unhappy compromise in “regular” string bikinis.

Sat by the hotel pool the last two weeks there were plenty of vulvas flashed by young girls wearing micro bikinis. Some of them
likely children. It’s poor parenting

It’s scary that she’s growing up and it’s normal to feel worried about this but you must have done something right to raise a confident, feminist daughter!

Maybe I'm doing feminism wrong but I've never equated self confidence and being a strong woman with getting my tits out. If anything, that phase was filled with insecurity and low self esteem.

Pervy men must fucking love this brand of feminism.

"Nearly see" = "Not seeing".

This. I spoke to a staff member at a community food/ health project. He said they can get the boys interested in healthy eating by talking about how it will make them healthy and fit. But all the girls care about is being thin and won’t engage with the healthy eating message.

Isn't it easier for you to control your urge to support businesses pushing objectifying fashion on children than to switch off the biological response of 50% of the population?

Why do you hope that?

Feminism aside, she’s underage and on a family holiday. It’s inappropriate and as her mum you are allowed to tell her to cover up a bit more.

she can wear that stuff when she’s older and on holiday with her mates.

Pervy men must fucking love this brand of feminism

This.

Depressing how many women on this thread equate female confidence with getting your arse out.

Women have really had a number done on them.

Isn't it easier for you to control your urge to support businesses pushing objectifying fashion on children

????? Where have I said I support businesses pushing objectifying fashion on children?

Compliment the bikinis but ask her, out of respect for the comfort of more elderly folk, to cover up in their company and when relaxing in full sun (protection for the long term health of her skin.)
Encourage her to wear her choice bikinis when swimming of course.

Help her purchase a cover up garment or sarong that she likes and teach her how to tie a boho sarong.

There will be eating opportunities in restaurants that require that she cover up her butt and wear footwear.
.
It's just common protocol and good manners in front of others.

I agree with this. I think the best approach is trying to explain to her about other people's perceptions and that she's only 15. Women have the right to display their bodies in any way they like, but we have to be real that displaying flesh in certain ways is a sign of sexual availability. At age 15, you don't want to be displaying sexual availability* - especially not in front of your 85 year old grandad 😳. She will cringe about this when she's older, but best to minimise the cringe by covering up now!

Can you get her a kaftan or something like that to wear over the top as a compromise?

*having been 15 with quite a high libido, I totally get that she probably does want to, but it's not appropriate as she's underage and around her family.

You may not like looking at them, but some pedos out there do sadly. Shame on the mum to try to protect the daughter, huh...

That's exactly what you're doing. This is not about wearing what you want, it's about businesses exploiting children for profit.

This is bullshit though when we’re talking about a 15 yr old whose choices will be influenced by what she consumes on the internet. I will feel less uneasy about a 15 year old girl in a tiny bikini when it also becomes the norm for 15 yr old boys to wear skimpy speedos with their bollocks on show by the side of the pool.

Society promotes a beauty standard that allows men to be suitability covered up and dressed for the poolside whereas there is a different standard for women that promotes the tiniest string bikinis that are unsupportive, uncomfortable and unsuitable for an active day in the pool. You only have to look at children’s clothing to see that there is a clear difference in the approach to girls and boys’ clothing. A grown woman can unpick all of that and make a choice to wear a skimpy bikini but a 15 yr old can’t and requires parental guidance.

Not my experience at all. I have three girls and I am a volunteer coach for a girls team sport. Girls are more involved than ever in team sport that was considered male in my day. We are a club with over 600 under 18 girls involved, this same club had to combine with another club when I was young because they couldn't get a women's team together. Girls in my experience are more into sport and fitness than being thin. I am in Ireland so maybe different in the UK

I always find it fascinating to hear people argue that young women wearing revealing clothing is empowering and definitely their choice, not at all influenced by the desires of men.

But women who choose to cover themselves are victims of the patriarchy, always.

^^ This
Although I would struggle not to look at a cat, and would fail completely if a dog was there

Grandad should just read his book / snooze / whatever and let DD get on with enjoying her hol