Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

I don't understand these kinds of threads. Tell your daughter it's not appropriate to be wearing something that skimpy at her age (or really ever). She's not being a feminist almost baring her vagina to everyone. Why are parents so afraid to parent now 😑

It sounds like you need to explain to her about "feminism," although I confess I have no idea how to go about it.
I keep running into this dilemma of women thinking that feminism means they should be able to dress (or do anything) however they like, but then they are surprised, to say the least, when assaulted by men.

At least you'll be OK if you run out of dental floss.

I’m amazed by some of the posters on here.

Problem 1) The OPs daughter agreed to buy 3 bikinis with her mum, which she’s now refusing to wear. If she didn’t want to wear them, she should have said something at the time. As she didn’t, the daughter should pay, out of her allowance, for the unused swimwear.

2. Less is more. The OP’s daughter is perfectly right that her body is her own. In a perfect world, she should be able to wander around nude without consequences. However, we don’t live in a perfect world and clothing sends messages. If the OP’s daughter is comfortable with looking like a pornstar, and understands the implications of that choice, that’s cool. However, she’s presumably not on the pull for skanky men, aged 15, while on a family holiday with elderly relatives and - thus - she should wear something else.

As a separate point, Shein is exploitative fast fashion, poorly made, and swimwear with more coverage is just more practical for an active holiday.

It feels like a rebellion, to be honest. If it was my daughter, I’d have a chat about how I respect her desire to be sexy, but dressing up in dental floss isn’t as empowering and ‘feminist’ as she thinks.

YANBU and some of the responses you have got make you realise that so many young women go out wearing (or not wearing) clothes that do nothing for them because some parents are too afraid to say anything or think “their body their choice” or are just too lazy to actually do the job of parenting.

Swimwear is a big deal here in Aus and Roxy is seen as a brand of choice for lots of teens so not sure why people think it is a daggy brand. In any case I wouldn’t want to see my 15yo practically naked by the pool and if she doesn’t realise there is a time and a place she needs to learn.

Exactly this. I’d tell her she’s not wearing it without shorts on, end of.

No and she wouldn’t be wearing it. I’d either go a buy a more suitable one, tell her to wear shorts with it or stay inside .

See, in front of family I wouldn’t care. My parents and grandparents would happily go naked in their gardens, and on the beach if no one else was around. I grew up around naked people whenever the sun was out, so am very ‘meh’ about bodies. My issue would be in these days of smartphones and the Internet, who would be taking pictures of her wearing these bikinis on public beaches (as opposed to a private pool), and what will they do with said pictures?

Having said that, I would be talking to my DD if she wore this sort of thing, about the male gaze, and pornification of culture and women’s clothes. I’d be more like to suggest that when out, she wore shorts and a sturdier bikini, and when private, that she just forgo swimwear entirely if she doesn’t want to cover up. If she were with my family they’d almost certain be naked by the pool anyway!

I think this is a somewhat absurd take on what the op has said. There is no need for grandparents to see their young grand-daughter skimpily dressed. If anything the daughter should respect her mother more for telling her to dress appropriately in front of her grandparents. Save the revealing bikinis for a girls' holiday when she's 18!

I used to live in my great-grandparent’s house.
While I was snooping around in their wash house (an outdoor building), I found two old trunks.
One was empty and one contained a pair of black leather button-up shoes from the 1800s and a thick, woolen 1900s bathing suit. It was far too big for me and very heavy — it came just below your crotch on your thighs, very modern I guess, for its time, not like those bloomers with the dresses over them.
I can’t imagine wearing something like that, but I imagine it was quite risqué for its time, being a one-piece and all. But ugh - wool?
@FFSTeenagers these teensy bikinis will fade into history just as surely as my auntie’s wool bathing suit did, and your daughter will move onto something else that will upset you.
That’s our job as daughters. We can’t help it lol.
Why don’t you make it special and both buy new swimsuits and then go to lunch afterwards? Make it a girls day.
I loved those days with my mum - I’d give anything to have one more with her.

itsca multi generational family holiday. Aka a group.

Wild that you think children are least important in a family holiday.

This honestly looks more like a porn bikini. Fine if on holiday with friends, but not with your Dad or Grandad. That's just ick. I've worn something slightly risque when in Brazil although not quite this tiny. How do you even walk without a flap coming out 🤣

15 is a tricky age - but she is still technically a child. However, she’s on the verge of being an adult (whether you class that as 16 or 18) and I know from bitter experience that very strict / conservative parenting on the cusp of adulthood can encourage rebellion as soon as they can throw “I’m an adult I can do what I like” at you.

I haven’t had chance to read the full thread but I’ve read quite a bit.

Taking a slightly different stance, how is your relationship generally?

I would be inclined to have a quiet, private word with her tomorrow and just explain that as her mother, you naturally worry. There are things in life she won’t have experienced yet (hopefully) such as predatory men and whilst it’s her body, it is still the body of a child and therefore you have the obligation as a parent to protect her. Hopefully she will see your perspective and if she flies off the handle/has a strop, I’m sorry - that’s more evidence that she is a child.

Is there a compromise, are any of them half ‘acceptable’? Chance for a shopping trip to choose different bottoms / top or something else stylish but less (and sorry to use the word) tacky?

A family member of mine was desperate to be down with the kids, tolerant and feminist. Her daughter admonished her in later years for failing to parent her properly and allowing her to wear skimpy clothes! Regardless of what you do, someone will be annoyed, so it's probably best to try to protect your daughter in the long and short term by helping her choose one more bikini that you can both live with.

They are such hard years in some ways, but brief too (pardon the pun).

How she got money / card to buy online. Taking your card without permission - grounded on holiday for sure! And reimbursed for what she spent 100%.
15 not 18 so yeah grounded.
Buy cover ups or some cheaply shorts for her to wear and a tankini and bin the trash she purchases.

Awww @FFSTeenagers i totally hear you and agree with you!
its a huge consequence of our current fucked up world where ‘celebrities’ like the kardashians have massively influenced innocent kids into thinking it’s ok to be half naked anywhere

I don’t think it’s ok at all - esp not at her age with her family.
bin the shit you as her mother feel is inappropriate and tell her why.
she’ll be taking photos and selfies for her own socials and that could go anywhere

stay strong and keep parenting the way you know is best for your child and family - it’s not just about a few days in Holiday, it’s about self respect and respect for her family

good luck xx

If you persist in nagging her about it you will just alienate her and probably just mae her were them all the more. She is nearly an adult and the days are long gone when you could dictate what she wears.

There would be between zero and no chance a 15 yr old of ours would be wearing something like you have described. She’s pulled a swift one in replacing the ones you purchased, then assumed it was a fait accompli as these were the only swimsuits available for her to wear. I’d be removing the offending suits, ‘sorry love, you won’t be wearing these’. Harsh, yep but so’s life! If yr daughter won’t co-operate/work with you, give and take a bit, then you’re the parent. Good luck I suspect your daughter won’t be pleased!

What a massive pile on for no reason. YANBU OP

Agree. Since when did disobedient children get the last word?

In the world I live in, 15 is not ‘nearly an adult’ and we as parents are definitely still here to guide and put in firm boundaries. Ours are young adults now and we have a great and very close relationship. But we never stopped parenting when they were 15 and were fine to be the ‘bad guys’ when appropriate.

Saying it’s ok for a 15y child to wear this kind of bikini is opting for an easy life and poor parenting.

On MN, 15y olds are almost adults and being a guiding parent alienates your child. Ridiculous.

I am cringeing for you that you think you going to rocky horror (which is essentially a fancy dress musical experience)is the same as a 15y old wearing a sexualised bikini on a family holiday. Unless you are 14/15 yourself and then I will forgive you.

Absolutely agree with this post.

That is not the goal of feminism.

True feminism is about equality. Not about nakedness or sex.

If the goal is to be able to walk around naked, then it applies to men too. I'm fairly sure that all the people on this post saying OP is being unreasonable don't actually want to see everyone walking round but naked.