Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

This.

I think it’s not so much that the inclusion of women will “reign in” those men specifically but actually the type of men to have and maintain mixed gender friendships are more likely to be a different type of person to begin with.

I'd be fine with it. Having women there might be a positive thing in my opinion!
If they're his friends and he wants to invite them I wouldn't dream of interfering.

OP, if he's going to cheat on you he will do it. Either with his friends, or some rando he meets at a club or with a stripper. That's what you're really worried about isn't it? Else why would it be an issue.
Your fiancé sounds sweet for checking the guest list in. My hsband and I wouldn't have even thought about checking in the list of our own stag and hen dos with each other.

I think all you can do though is say I hope none of the blokes think it’s strange, and have a good night

Won’t someone think of the poor blokes who will need to socialise with some women.

I don't think 2 and 3 are something for you to worry about. That's on those people what they want to do. Have you asked your fiancé about why he wants them there if he isn't even in touch with them on regular basis?

Personally I have been on a dozen plus stag dos over the years and only a couple had women on them. I have to confess that on each occasion women were present they carried themselves with a certain 'we are special' queen bee kind of way which rubbed a few up the wrong way. I don't think their presence changed the dynamic very much or toned down behaviour which seemed to disappoint them as they were ones trying to push the boundaries and be 'wild'.

I don’t get the whole stag/hen thing at all, but once they become mixed sex then it’s even odder to me.

I understand that originally it was a last night of freedom thing and “what goes on on stag stays on stag” etc. but if it’s just a group of friends I’d want to be invited too!! Rarely it’s the same night and hardly ever the night before the wedding these days so if it’s a get together with men and women why wouldn’t both bride and groom go? I’d want to be considered one of his closest friends as well as his fiancée. My XH and I just went to the pub together the night before we got married.

I think that mixed stags/hens are great. It’s a good excuse for all friends - both sexes - to get together. Old friends, too.

I probably wouldn’t go to one if I hadn’t been invited to the wedding, but that’s beside the point.

I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now

This is key. He doesn’t see them and has t seen them for years? Yeah, it’s weird.

This, very much this. Apologies if my comment gave a different impression. It's the sort of friend group/ type of event planned thing, rather than women making the men behave!

OP you're going to get floods of replies from people who haven't RTFT but the issue isn't just their sex. It's that he hasn't seen them in a while, they're not invited to the wedding but are coming to the stag?
How odd.
Are all the other stags invited to the wedding? If so, it would be extremely rude to invite these women, they'll feel left out.

Does he have other 'old friends' in the same category as these women who hasn't invited to the stag?

I wonder whether any of the other stags have a thing for one of the women?

Ah I see what you mean!

Just in ref to you not understanding the point of stag/hens and particularly mixed sex ones….. for me, my hen was an opportunity to have the raucous, long form kind of socialising that I wouldn’t get to do at the actual wedding because of being spread more thinly around spending time with ALL the guests/family obligations etc as well as the fact the wedding itself is more formal and structured. I didn’t feel I had enough time to properly chat or dance with my friendship group at the wedding itself and I was really glad to have had the opportunity for a lot of fun with all of those friends before the wedding. maybe that’s what other hen/stags are about too? Having fun with people they care about.

honestly if my DH-to-be was making such a fuss and such drama about a weekend,

I am not sure I would want to go through with the actual wedding. What's the actual marriage going to be like!

Point 2 is none of your business. the rest sounds controlling but women do seem to dress it up as 'well I wouldn't be controlling if he didn't give me a reason too' but it's still controlling

2 and 3 are nothing to do with you though.
1 is the only relevant point. If it's as you describe then yes it does sound a bit weird to randomly invite these 2 women if he hasn't seen them for years and they aren't coming to the wedding, just as it would be weird for him to invite a random guy who doesn't know the others and whom he hasn't seen for years.

How does he know the women? Do they know each other and the other men?

If they were all part of a wider friend group, (e.g. from school/uni/hobby) and it's just that he hasn't happened to see the women recently but they all still consider them part of the "group", and they would feel left out to be the only ones not invited then it makes sense to invite them. If the women are just 2 random people he knows and who don't know the other men then it's a bit odd and tbh I wouldn't want to come in that scenario.

No worries, I explained it very badly initially! Can I still claim baby brain when youngest is 11 months?

I don’t know why he even asked you. Mine was half men and half women … the dynamic is up to them to sort or worry about, not you.

You only need to type in “Stag do strip club” into the search bar of Mumsnet …..

Here are some examples. So yes, it seems a lot men that go on stag dos need reigning in.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/4876772-partner-visited-strip-club-whilst-im-pregnant

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/5092860-partner-had-a-lap-dance-on-a-stag-do-32-weeks-pregnant

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4853809-to-be-fuming-about-parters-behaviour-at-stag-do

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5090509-stag-do

I was maid of honour for my best friend. I arranged the stag. They all had a great time. There’s nothing wrong with this.

It's his stag do so who he invites is entirely up to him, surely?

If you don't trust him enough to socialise with women then you shouldn't be getting married.

I went to a stag do of one of the blokes I worked with. I didn't know his wife to be and had never even met her until the wedding. I stood in the line to say congratulations to the happy couple and she sneered in my face and said very loudly "Oh I see the stripper gram has arrived".

I thought it was really sad that a bride... on what's meant to be the happiest day of her life... was so full of anger, jealousy and hate towards me, a guest of her husbands at their wedding, that she had to be so spiteful.

I told her she looked lovely - which she did once she'd stopped scowling - and moved down the line.

I didn't stay long as I clearly wasn't welcome. And I may have forgotten to leave the gift I'd brought for them.

OP... if you can't trust your husband to be to have female friends at his Stag do, you shouldn't be marrying him. If you're planning to monitor his interaction with every female under 40 you're going to have a very short marriage!

They are not dogs, women don't have to stay with them or even marry them, it is a choice

I don’t disagree. Simply just responding to the “seriously, what kind of men do you hang out with?” comment.

I might not ‘hang out’ with these types of men, and hopefully the OP doesn’t either. But a lot of women on Mumsnet certainly do. Evidently.